Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
Archives
- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

The loss of my brothers

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Feb 18, 2016 5:38 pm

This is an interesting subject; not one ive covered fully!

When young, the whole of my tragic experience was the surmounting odds against me by the whole of a community; not just one jacked family system!

And in this whole were my 2 brothers!

When I was very young, like most children, they are taught to love their older brothers with all their heart! And I did! And thought the most of them! And looked up to them! And thought they were very smart! And would be engineers when they got older or Doctors or something! That is not what happened!
The problem; the house we lived in was evil! Yet, you could not see it from the outside! And when very young, Satan did not get into me! I did not see him! I was protected in a fantasy bond! I was a small child!



In reality, my brothers were being abused! They were being neglected as human beings! They were treated more like human specimens! I did not know this; and I did not know them! I saw them as characters from a book; a children's book! They were my older brothers and played out a role that I had no reason to question!

I never understood! Now I understand! They were abused miserably from the beginning! They had no real friends! And no potential was ever used for any gain! For they were neglected out of existence to the point of pathology! They never rebounded when being pulled into evil; its as if they had never been exposed to anything human or good! They were depleted!

I was different! I was born in a different neighborhood! I was exposed to a different class of people within that neighborhood! I was able to run around all day after school with school children of this neighborhood! For this reason; I had something to compare myself to! They did not!

I remember my middle brother, and spending time with him allot! But looking back on it! I never did! I thought I did! In reality, I spent moments with him; moments were 5 minutes here, 5 minutes their! I realize now; he was not my brother! He was separate! Meaning, he as being groomed to be a sociopath and had tendencies of an antisocial personality! I remember him throwing rocks at me and doing other stuff! I took it for granted that he was acting the older brother; but he was not! He was a stranger, and I did not know it!

I liked my brothers; they did not like me! And they never really knew me or anything about me! And never will! I lived with them for several years when young, then was separated! Later, it mattered not if we had to live together! It was such miserable conditions with my Grandmother; we were strangers! Not friends!

What I did not understand; these were not simply hurt people as I had been! These were not people! And they had a much different beginning up bringing then I did! They saw things I did not see!

I was not on their minds! They meant something to me; I meant nothing to them! I thought about them; they did not think about me nor care!

At a later date, I witnessed my older brother turning into a sociopath! And finally I witnessed it for the final time when he completely switched! And what a sad thing it was to watch! It was sad! But this was a stranger! And not a brother! And I never knew this until later!

At a later date, my brother treated me less then a dog, and viciously and with no remorse or conscious! Intact; I would use the word sadistic! He was a carbon copy of my mother and father; from my father he gained the condition of sociopath! From my mother; the sadistic side of the psychopath! He was a sadistic sociopath! And true to nature! Very ugly situation!

I was crucified by him! He was still my older brother and thought he loved me! He did not! He loved nothing and felt nothing! But I did not get it yet!

Finally after years of attempting to revisit him; I had no family, he was all I had and I was so very confused and mentally ill a desperate! Yet, he treated me horribly! I did not understand why I was being judged to death! I was his brother! What had I done wrong!

At the time my brother was treating me sadistically, I began the recovery process! And within the recovery process I discovered the nature of this family system and the other family systems in the neighborhood I grew up in! I realized my brother was a sadistic sociopath and it was not personal! And I thought; how could it not be personal! Yet, with enough studying, I began to understand! He never saw me as a human being; he saw me as an object to control and order around! He had no human value for me; As a brother; he had not been a brother for years and years! I did not know!

So, I understood his in human judgmentalism toward me! Make a mistake around him; and you were through! Meaning, he never talked to you again! In my case; if I did not act like an abject he could own! And I questioned him; I was through for good!

One Christmas I called and left a message telling him I was not coming over for Christmas; I was going to friends house this year! I never heard from him again!

I was invited one year to have Christmas with him! I assumed it would be with his family and his kids and wife! Not so! He would get drunk and have me over; but his family would all visit other relatives! He was using me because he was bored and had no one else to use! I could not believe what I was seeing! It was outrageous! My whole christmas experience was destroyed! And he had done this at Thanks giving and 4th of July; he was act like I was being invited over as a family member! In reality, no one was their! I was being invited over with a few others; half strangers; but no family system! And not much else!

One year I called him back and told him politely, I was not coming over that year, I was going to friends! I literally, never talked to him ever again! And this is because I was nothing but a low level object of a sociopath! Its incredible! So in human! Un believable!

My other brother; the oldest; he turned out half degenerate and pathological! His behavior began to change when he was in high school; he was acting strange with no conscious! No social responsibility! But he could not see it or question it! And something was wrong with his ability to communicate! He had been broken and was tamed by my mother as another of her pets! I could not seem to carry a conversation that made any real sense! He was " out there"! One might say!

Soon, I realized, I meant nothing to him! And he did not know me, I was a stranger to him! This is later! A few years back! He was still hooked to his mother as the other brother was! They were perfect strangers to me! I never knew this as a child! They did!

And so I was a stranger from the beginning and had no idea! Its worse then being hated; I was not known! And hated! I was Un lovable! Because No one cared that I existed!

However, in the reality of things! I missed nothing! For I am not one of them; and God is giving me the gift of successful thinking, and Im taking it! Im starting to dream again and manifest my reality; create my reality! Is it easy; not! All those negatives and limiting beliefs; they must be countered; and this is happening !

Being a martyr does not get me a house, a truck, women that are hot, or a girlfriend or a soulmate, or a music studio practice room, or an art career! Or teaching career, or writing or acting or composing! All martyrdom did for me was make me sick weak and Un useable! It prepared me to see God in heaven; where I did not want to go! I simply wanted back into my own life! And now; this is possible!

Its allot of scary work; when you visualize for your future, all the limiting beliefs and negatives you say about yourself; they come up; and you feel all alone and worthless; like your not good enough to have had a family or friends or anyone from a decent community help you; so; what do you do? You take it to God and ask for a new family of people that will help you and be your cheerleading squad! The idea of success thinking is; you counter all negative thoughts with countering positive solution! You tell yourself " I AM" statement! " I am worthy" " I am powerful" " I am approaching people and loving it" " I am attracted to women" " Women are attracted to me" " Im getting plenty of good sex and loving it" " Im receiving hundreds of girlfriends from every direction"! " I am approaching women and making them laugh"! " I am funny" " I am gratefully receiving money from every direction" " I am driving my new truck" " I am creating music in my new music studio"
" I am driving my new truck and new skis to the resort and skiing today and loving it"! " When I wake up in the morning, Im doing what I love and making millions of dollars doing it"! And so on....! and I visualize everything and write out the story of my future as if Ive already lived it! And many more things!

And I study success coaches on Youtube and many other things!

And this type of dream success thinking through first person visualization; I thought this was going to be taught to me when a kid so I could be successful; it was not! the opposite happened; I was one of those! those kids that get abused and hurt and destroyed and pounded on through negativity and rejection; then given away! And I never saw it coming! the people or monsters that did this to me were scumbags!

Now, I have the opportunity to set this right with Gods help, and get back my close connect to the right community and state and world! and get things right again before the monsters destroyed me and everything and everyone around me!

Im having no problem letting go of the monsters once I knew what they were!



and they must be countered with more positives! It's a demoralizing experience! It hurts, and its bitter! Yet, if I hang on and practice and get to the point that I can see my dreams and goals and visions clearly; now what I want! If I hang on and let them grow in my imagination; the Universe will match the vibration! God will bring the rest; only for those who truly believe and hang on to their dreams!

97 percent of those who dream; give up! They now work for the 3% that didn't

I am one of the 3 percent that did not give up! My wealth is waiting for me; its already created; all I have to do is go down my path and pic it up!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 3037 times

Who is online

Registered users: AmirElAchmed, Amythyst, AProphet, Baidu [Spider], Bing [Bot], birdsong87, Dwelt, gianga23, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, MSN [Bot], Wally58, youllgetoverit