I have only one goal; wake up in my imagination dealing with my first love; who; in my imagination is standing in front of me. This ability for me to face her up close represents facing all people and places and things up close; and those things that have hurt me or scared me or where I was abandon and thrown away and disconnected from everything to a point of poverty... brainwashing that causes poverty; where I dont trust anything in society.
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In my mind; I have a love hate relationship of judgment with why first love; my memories of her; but in reality; before this love hate relationship; Their was no such thing; just me loving her and her starting to trust me because of it. I then later introduced problems; and that was a violation against her place... I took advantage of it and used her and abused her emotionally; worse then that; I violated her space like a perpetrator looking to steal something; cold hearted; I guess I stopped trusting her. But in fact; I stopped trusting; I stopped trusting her because I saw her the same as the step father I was forced to live with. And that was the violation; I was acting out or projecting against her...
Before this; she was my friend; someone I wanted to love. But I started going through more psychological abuse where I was living; being thrown away and no one loved me; nothing. So; that gave me the right to abuse this person? I dont think so. And thats where Im having problems and this is why Im doing the work Im doing; so I can come back to normal again concerning relationships and not act out or project or act the victim on strangers that know nothing about me...
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The goal is; in my imagination; with my problems; I sit down with my first love and tell her whats going on with me. How I was abandon in my earlier life before I met her and I have massive problems and I dont know what to do or where to go... I tell her who I really am... Im scared to death to do this; even in my imagination; Im afraid I wont be accepted.. Ill be thrown away again.
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So; the goal is; to finally sit with her and talk to her face to face and learn to deal with a relationship face to face.. Ive never dealt with a relationship before face to face. nothing; Ive ran from them or stopped them before they got started; for good reason; the people I was dealing with were filth trash scum... worthless. But the world might not think that; they would fit in nicely in the world.
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God wants me to finish this relationship and Im seeing now just how hard this is going to be; and thats OK; thats fine. It will take along time for me to call out to this girl in my imagination and then walk to her and talk to her; its facing her and working things out...
I had many many bullies disrupt my ability to work things out... I always had to run away or leave in frustration or sorrow or anger...
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This is really tuff stuff; but; all I have to do is go into my imagination and continue to say; I love you_____! I love you; I love you; to her face; grabbing her hands; even being on my knees; over n over n over.
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So; I get allot of anger thoughts... And I see her as the enemy laughing at me or leaving me or making fun of me or abandoning me.. over n over n over; like a critical voice. When ever I see her in my mind regardless; I immediately walk up to her; grab her hands and tell her I love her and God loves her over n over n over regardless; and what this does; I will defeat the anger part; it will give up and Ill go back to getting the kind of relationship I wanted from her in the first place. Its about having enough courage to love someone because God said so; not because someone in the external world liked it or didnt like it. I want control of my own directions in relationships. This means; I dont walk away; First; I tell the person I love them/
In this girls case; I tell her I like her. And I want to go out with her or have her as a girlfriend; I never did that. And thats the whole problem of this situation; the inability to do so; and this has been the whole problem of my life. I refused to be in vulnerable positions where someone could use my life against me.
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Ive been around so many people that dont respect me; they are so F_cking stupid retards. I stay silent around them and do nothing... I let them pass and think what they want to think.
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They did this to Jesus; destroyed him; based on what? What did he do but speak out the truth; that was all... They were blood thirsty murderers; and Im suggesting nothing has changed...
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When I go to grab this girls hands in my imagination; I see several bullies from the past and present crowd in on me; take over my thoughts; protrude... And it is these monsters I have to work through; move them out of the way and keep my thoughts on this girl who I want to love... and their it is; the hope of it; the shame of not standing up for it. I never stood up for her; I coward out and abandon her; never thought I would even think of such a thing; but as Ive mentioned in other blogs a hundred times; the psychopaths got a hold of me and broken me again... And I was in feeble shape to deal with this girl anymore.
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So; Im going back up to her in my mind and re create a new relationship; this time based on honestly. I was not honest with her. I was honest with my feelings of expression at first but no verbal about who I really was.
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The other problem is; I did not like who that person became later in life; a few years after I was done associating with her; I saw another side of her I didnt like. But that was non of my business; my business was to love her and love her first and I didnt do that. And that is the major issue of this situation. I have to learn to do what God wants me to do; love someone unconditionally.
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Its not easy... My mind goes to so many other thoughts of anger and hatred and rage of different people and Im learning; when I dissociate and start that that hatred; I go back to her and tell her I love her over over n over... The goal is to establish a loving relationship with her in my imagination; not just grab her hands and tell her I love her; but at some point; really letting out my feelings and truth and opening up in front of her and that scares me to do so in front of anyone because I dont trust anyone anymore..
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So; I go hardened inside when I think about standing in front of her or anyone else and speaking how I feel.
Facing her... face to face and telling her how I feel. And I will get immediate attitudes about her that she is going to abandon me. But in reality; she never would have... that was not her.
My point is; Im trying to make these people out to be bad people to hate; so I can hate them and God is making me love them and force or push the practice of love down upon them over n over over in my imagination until I love her again and see her as an innocent person that just wanted to be loved; not a devil... And that is what this is all about... its truly facing my own demons... But she was not one of them. And thats the point; I have to stop making her out to be a demon when she was just an innocent girl... And thats all she was. I remember; I loved her for a reason with all my heart and if I had just continued to love her non of this would have ever happened.
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My mind diverts to many other failed relationships or maybe a girl I liked that had another guy like her and she went out with him and Im all tied up in knots over it and.......? And Im suppose to stop! Im not suppose to worry about any other relationships then this one with my first love within my imagination; this is the only one Im suppose to put effort for; to face this person and face myself with the only condition of; I have only one emotion I can use toward her; love.. and that is all.
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Its important to say again; that what ever sick useless defeated thoughts I get about other relationships or women who I cant see how I can or could ever had had a chance with; God has made it clear to switch out all those thoughts; go back to my first love and imagine Im grabbing her hands and telling I love her to her face; over n over n over n over n over. And that is all Im suppose to think about when it comes to people... and within my imagination..
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Im finding I dissociate allot when Im up close to her; I cant see her face; Im dissociating but I am telling her I love her as I hold her hands.. All good.
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I and getting triggered by very bad abuses stuff... flasch backs come back into my mind when doing this kind of imagination work.
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Connection is also what this is about; and its painful; I scream with rage..
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One important point; I am to bow down to this girl; take a subordinate position; not one of lofty judger... Where Im superior to her looking down on her spitting in her face; I am not suppose to do that. Instead I am to take the physical position of someone proposing marriage. Im not proposing marriage to her in my imagination; but it seems to be; Im suppose to use that desperate longing physical position of wanting to her with me... longing for her; on my knees begging her; holding her hands begging for her to be with me; not letting go of her; giving her compliments... Being in that humble position on my knees telling her I love her while I hold her hands. And their it is; I have to get back to this place; emotionally and physically.
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So; my work is to keep up with this relationship; keep it going until it is smoothed out as if it actually happened; I am to love this person completely; not applying hatred... What comes up is everything else that violated me and came into my space; it seems to show up...
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Im seeing many things...
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Im also seeing new time periods where Im victim and not functioning... So; more n more; things are showing up; Slowly... just got to keep loving this girl until my real feelings come out and I treat her right; I did not treat her right. I was ok at first; in the introduction stage and But could go no further.
Why couldn't I go any further with her; thats what this exercise is uncovering and it is uncovering it. Im starting to see the vast victimization of my personal space from before; from my whole life before. And now; anyone that tries to get close to me; I go into child mode and protect myself.
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So; its working; but I have allot of stuff that must come out. Im so de sensitized to reality from all of these violations; I could not allow any women get near me; I didnt even control it; my nervous system controlled it. No one gets near me....
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So; I have allot of work to do; to re learn how to be around; out side again. to have a life.
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The violations have to come up.. and I have to deal with them; one at a time I guess. I have to work with God on all of this stuff. I have many things blocked I think; small things where I was scared because my rights were taken or I was in situations where it was not safe for me and it should have been; like a home where intruders could come in through the front door and demand things... No boundaries around me protecting me; nothing; and nowhere to go accept up in my head... no other place. nothing safe... nothing...
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I will continue to get better.
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Im now asking the simple question I asked in the first place when I first met her; " Do I want to be friends with her?". Because thats what this is really about; its about getting back to a place where I like being around the person... Do I want to be friends with her...
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THe key to all of this is getting back to a point of asking the question of whether I want to be friends with someone; Do I want to be friends with them; thats why I spent time with them in the first place..
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My first love was my friend and it meant something to me. I meant something to her when I first met her. later after having so many problems; she meant everything to me; I meant nothing to her?????????????????
Ive seen this in women; its like they dont love anything... Anyway; im not suppose to worry about all women. Im suppose to worry about getting my relationships back and their based on friendship and I can see that. It will be awhile...
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So; anger and whats right verses friendships... thats where Im headed after the trauma goes down. Can I look at things as friendships... That is where this is headed.
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So; Ill have to keep working with God on this everyday until I feel safe again.