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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2021
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What car to buy
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Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
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moving forward in through the past. Learning how to express
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The hard work of things.
   Fri Jul 02, 2021 4:56 am

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The loneliness of it; but I have to keep going

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 31, 2018 4:28 am

If I have to have friends; I have to work with universe to bring the right ones! and that seems to be the problem!
Ive mentioned this lately; Ive been out playing disk golf! when I loose a disk in the shrubs of the deep thick forested park; I have to try to remember where its at! I go into the bushes and then I concentrate on the disk in my mind; and I feel the love for the disk; I center it in my thinking and focus on it! Then; I wait; I ask the universe for help with finding this disk; " Give me an answer universe" " thank you for that releasing answer universe" before I get the answer! I then watch and be aware of my thinking! And my bodies energy starts to move through the forest! I can close my eyes and Ill still find it; Im led up to it like a sled on dry land looking for some fallen snow!
If I can find a disk; why cant I find myself; and my truck and my house and my Asia soulmate Hawaiian wife! and be back into my music with purpose and writing with purpose!
I can write blogs all day long; but no short stories about ghosts or space ships! why!; resistance!
Im learning about resistance; I get mad at the universe for not speeding stuff up!
Ive been working on music; but it hasn't broken yet! the idea is; Im not needing to create music for any reason because Im free of any resistance with music creation; thats the goal; but when will it happen for me! Ive been working on it for a while! Also; next; is writing stories! Ive written 4 thousand blogs; literally; but I cant write anything with any real meaning associated with occupation or talent; nothing!
To much past pain associated with bad evil filth people/sociopaths!
Asian soulmate is my biggest challenge! I never wanted it to be! Its like a constant set of beliefs and memories and thoughts that have gained up war style against what I want! Im trying to get to the point of grieving or facing what ever the resistance is about that I go out and allow her to show up in my life!
this truly is crazy!
It hurts not having my wife in my life! I have to learn how to be free and confident in the outside world again! Im not sure what I need to do; I keep working with the universe and Ill continue and continue and continue until this thing breaks or it breaks me! Im a tank and I will never quit!
I have to feel safe and I have to feel good enough and be able to feel intimacy and have the right thoughts associated with it! and the right feelings to attract the same people into my life!
One problem is; I dont live around anything! I dont know anyone! I keep working with the universe on this! ive got to get stronger on it I guess!
Ive had a real problem attracting the wrong people; Im attracting people according to my hatred instead of my good parts of me! and I have to work on this! The people thing has real problems when dealing with the universe; I have such deep hatred from the CPTSD! And yet; I want to attract people for the world? I have to keep working with the universe on this! I was hoping the universe would help out! it has not! not in a personal intimacy way!
Ive the girls Ive attracted for sex; they were not safe! I never had sex with them! their reputations were bad enough; I would not let them get near me! that is not who I want in my bed! Im sick of this; I truly mean it!
along time ago; I was a butcher block manager at a big store chain! the job was demanding and the right person; one who liked working with meat and fish; would do a great job! I hated every minute of it; I had the job! I had the work ability; but I did not like the subject matter; and that is the story of my life!
How do I break out and get the right things I really want for my life and believe they are coming; that is what Im working on!
At times; I manifest things; Ill manifest a women; but she is the wrong women on the inside! Ill desire things; but theirs no money! and Ill try to manifest money but I have to believe I already have what Im manifesting! And so; it all goes round n round in circles! over n over n over! it gets frustrating after awhile!
Ive been told to go down the path of least resistance; where is that path! Or; I must learn how to allow the thing I want; allow it to come in! I have to learn how to do this; I was forced around bad bad scary people; sociopaths; and I had to deal with them close up against my will; as if I was under their control through threat of harm! and this; more then once! and I was under age! So; I learned to hate the human race!
I never wanted to get close to the human race ever again; However, now; I would like a wife; and Im truly F__K'd! What am I going to do; My nervous system is trained out of letting anyone get close to me!
I dont want the wrong people close to me; and Ive seen that Im still attracting the wrong people around me! or their showing up; Im learning to go in the other direction; still; life is short; what am I doing around the wrong people!
I have allot of repressed blocks to work through!
Ive mentioned in my blogs; Ive worked through an have no more resistance to art! that was blocked for 30 years! So; things are changing; now; I would like the same release for my future Asian wife; for my music and writing!
I have to keep working on it; it is painful; all of this; rageful and hate seekingly horrible; all of this pain!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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