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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2019
A place exists
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Things are changing again
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Things are heating up; Im now backing down
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I have CPTSD
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Real changes are occurring
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Coming back into the present
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Im extremely frustrated
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Fining myself or facing myself
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Im beginning to understand
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Visualizing
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Starting from the beginning
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The trap house part 2
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The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
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Massive Mega paradigm shift
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First post recovery conversation
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Dating and Art
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movement
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childhood abandonment
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Being single
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Preview: PTSD; High School
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Fear
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Ive found some answers
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D.I.D; let me introduce myself
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PTSD; dealing with triggers.
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Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
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Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
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critical voice
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Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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The jumping off point!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Apr 04, 2018 8:29 pm

The jumping off point!
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The dissociative disorder is at a jump off point; this starts about ages 10 to 13! What do I do after 13; everything was shut off at age 13; in reality, It had been shut off at every age! However, at 13, Im shut down completely! a complete severing from reality! I end up in a glass jar of reality and horror and sorrow with no direction and the in ability to function! At the age of 13, Im in a glass wall surrounding me of dissociation; a strong locked glass box!
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Now; as an adult; Im shutting down because Im getting close to this 13 year old age period; and Im shutting down into dissociation; However, the goal is to stay awake and retrain this 13 year old with positive experiences; bringing him to 14; then more positive safe experiences to age 15, then to more positive protective experiences to the age of 16 and more positive experiences with safety; reigning into the age of 17, and more proactive positive experiences for this 18 year old and to 19 and 20 and 21 and so on! That is the goal! In order for this goal to succeed! I have to know where I start. Where do I start with a 13 year old; what do I literally do in the physical; reality! what am I doing here; now!
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Writing or music or art? I dont know! thats not it! these are things I do after I do the major life stuff during the day! the music and art and writing are done afterwards; this is stuff I do at night when Im home! Im missing stuff; Im missing something! What do I do beyond the jump off point! where does it continue where it was cut off when young; these are the things of growth Im asking source energy! Im asking source energy for plans!
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The insecurity is horrible; so, Ill ask source energy or guidance; " My guidance system is working fantastically"!
Im under great stress; feeling lost!
This is the jumping off point! a specific point in the past, that I grow through the people around me in to the desire of occupations; However, my emotional age is not developed enough; yet!
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I have to have more nurturing and care to make it to the next level!
The sharks are out today; everywhere! Im being attacked through 2 faced people and passive aggression from many different factors! Im attempting to have more " moving" personal power! the ability to have my own space and make my own decision!
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Direction; this is the hardest challenge! What am I suppose to do with my time! What is it! I haves to grow from this point and learn what it is that I naturally like to do; something I naturally like and want to start with!
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Their is a gap between where Im at and having he responsibility to self to do something; anything!
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I went to a meeting today; one was a disaster! However, I got up and went to another with not so many thugs!
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Im making a transition from being dissociate, to being a bit more awake! What am I suppose to do with my time! Im not sure! I have to keep working with source energy to find out!
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My nervous system has been waiting to grow and heal and wake up and its happening! However, Why am I waking up! for what?! Now what! what direction! A gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be!
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Where do I want to be; with a direction! A feeling of arrival at this specific place; a destination of starting point!
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This is a very delicate situation where; if around the wrong people, I can be decimated; destroyed! So, I have allot of work to do on self!
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Bandaid'ing effects or denial on this problem will not work! Have to live through this change! Im trying to understand what it is that Im suppose to work toward in order to arrive at the right place!
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Im finding; the child in me; wants to mow lawns! So, responsibility is showing up; this time period in childhood is showing up! What do I do?, Im not connected to anything or anyone! What is the connection?; this is what I have to work on; the connection!
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In the meantime of connection; this journey; I continue read " Think and grow rich" as much as possible and listen to Abraham Hicks and others and get in to my recovery process!
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Im on a verge of something else! Along with the journeyI am to be apart of, Im feeling move toward the arts as a middle ground starting point of distraction; Im not sure what it is about! Im seeing many things;; the problem is age and feeling safe; emotional age!
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My emotional age was sacked; hurt, destroyed, cut off! Im attempting to work with source energy to uncover the problems and work through this time period; or ask source energy; tell source energy to get me the help I need and those to work with me to uncover this situation that I may grow through it to the next level of maturity! the next level of maturity is a big one; I think its the sending off point from pre teen/childhood to teen/young adulthood! This is especially important for me! However, a gap resides between the anger throw away rebellious 10 year old/broken, and the next move forward!
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This is a very painful situation and Id like to move through it! Im not doing anything based on reactions! Im only moving forward when source energy commands so; when I feel Im following instructions and directions; when I turn to the universe for plans! I must ask for plans and learn to move beyond doubt! This is a hard call! What am I supposed to do; what direction! where? The universe will bring me plans; unfold these plans! That is the next level!

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The gaol is to heal!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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