all of my interacting with others was a brutal controlled nightmare by psychopaths and child molesters; I was brought into it and never knew it was going to happen. I did not know it was going to happen to me; I thought I would be safe with my father around; he never stayed around and for a reason.. he knew what he was doing. The time I would turn my life's dreams into reality when I grew up; I Was destroyed on purpose; they knew how to destroy me completely and disable me and make me dependent; Im now learning how to let go of that horrible sad brainwashing and what happened and Im gaining some ground.
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I am gaining ground; not everyone understands and I have to remember that most of the 12 step groups im in do not understand; the people; but they are helping. The problem is; when a girl likes me and Im not responding right because of CPTSD and I cant respond to her; its to late; she's moved on to someone else because Ive ignored her; I get on my knees and pray to God about it. And I keep working at it; and its working; im getting somewhere. But those people I wanted to date are so cold hearted to me; they could care less that Im disabled in a way that I cant interact or respond to people; and even if they here it; they still dont care... they just allow new men around them and Im out. and that is that.. like I never existed; of course I treat them like they never existed; im scared and untrustworthy of them and dont feel safe. I cant respond to them yet because I have not learned how yet under my condition. the more experience I get the better I am at responding to others but so fare its not enough yet. ive gotten better and Ive pushed past specific marks... But not enough to date someone; but enough to pull them aside and talk to them.
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The sensitivities I have with Dissociative disorder and CPTSD may not be the same sensitivities that others have. I end up ignoring their worth because of CPTSD; not because I dont " see them". By the time I might feel comfortable; right at that moment; they move on to someone else. In fact; it always seems strange to me that right at that moment when im ready to jump and get over the waiting period of CPTSD; that time period of feelings safe; exactly at that moment they introduce new man into their lives; and thats happened several times; maybe they are playing me; just maybe. maybe I was suppose to learn something from them and move on. they really were never safe...
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Its a waist of time to talk to them now; I mean; im past tense with them; they've moved on and that is that. And that is hard... but its reality. The hardest part is; I had nothing with them but maybe's and a fantasy. Nothing real. nothing developed. And they moved on... I seem to feel the shock and pain; they feel nothing. why is that; it seems that way every time.
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So; Im trying to understand. I suppose Im like allot of people with CPTSD; I dont trust anyone and no one wants to ever get into a relationship ever again; I do; but I understand And im not sure I will ever end up in a relationship with someone because I am 2 core defensive and Im to sensitive about things in a relationship.... We will see.
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God will bring me someone else; but it takes months n months to feel safe around them and they never help the process; but their heart is with me. but that means nothing without the behavior to go with it; and how can they have the behavior to go with it if they dont have a clue about CPTSD.
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So; i9t can be frustrating. Id love to tell them but I never get close to them Because Im not sure by their behavior I can trust them.