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OMNICELL
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The idea of never dating women ever again

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun May 31, 2020 4:49 am

Im starting to accept that I won't ever date women again; Ill die alone instead. Im starting to make friends again. I have CPTSD and have had full dissociative disorder; AVPD/agoraphobia.
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Im getting better on all front; well; thats not entirely correct. IT is correct; but maybe not that fast. Im willing to explore; Im ignoring the idiots in the world and Im finding myself alone with no love interests; nothing. I looking at this from a God point of view; the universe sending me the right people. Something is horribly sickeningly wrong here... Its like dealing with evil; pure evil; im not willing to deal with it.
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Im starting to reach out to others and make friends; I walk up to them and tell them I want to talk; and make friends with them. I tell them we are friends. I ask them to step outside and talk; and I stand with a group of guys and talk.
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Im changing; the biggest change is DJ track making producer song writer. This is "work"; for those who can accept it. My identity is changing. ITs happening for me. When I finish my first singable song; a women friend will be singing it. Does this make me someone in a giant profession; no! However, its a start. Its a strange start; Ive been scared to death to loose out; to loose everything; Im scared to have things; what if someone comes in like when I was young and takes them all away; thats a true horror fear and something Im scared to death of. I dont want to go through more loss and be completely alone; like being in a genocide where everything is stripped from me. I dont want this anymore. I feel the same fear with women; I dont want someone taking themselves away from me like all the people of my youth; and I dont want someone around me that doesn't care that ive been through bad things in my past and destroyed; I want someone that is deadly serious about this; and respects me and wants me safe....
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Im so tired of being around women that dont care about me; Im lost and so confused. Im simply around a dead end. its like an empty radial signal; nothing..... But I like my life; my life is picking up and Im moving on away from yet; more potential women that were never potential women I guess; potential for dating or as a girlfriend. But ive not changed; Im still valuable but they write me off as a fool. Do I sound like a fool in my writings? yes? ridiculous nonsense.
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I dont know what to do. I can't trust deceptive people; impossible. I dont know where to go; who to meet.. I dont know where to meet or find someone that values me; I dont know... I truly dont know. Im played by women as if Im a fool... I dont appreciate it; I won't talk to them again ever; but that leaves me not talking to 99% of them; I end up talking to married women; they are all I know; their husbands get mad at them for talking to me. Im lost; I dont have a clue; I dont know; I dont know; I dont know....
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As for women; Nothing.
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No frequency
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Ive never had any women ever value me; nothing. zero; Nothing. No connection; completely looked over; never seen; no one as ever seen me; nothing.
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The only women I was ever interested in; she said later that I meant nothing to her. How can this be. Im a person of value; how can I mean completely nothing to someone... How dare someone talk at this nature of things; its an abomination against God; Sickening... its twisted evil...
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Im getting used to the idea of getting better focusing on becoming the person I wanted to become and alone; just myself; no significant other; nothing. Im stronger now; and Im getting old; its unbelievable; all of this. Is it really this hard for God to match me up with someone one earth; really? really? this hard?.
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I do not know who to date?
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I simply do not know nor have I ever known any women I wanted to date because they were deceptive; so I gave up and walked away defeated; I cannot fight evil; Im not interested in evil people. its all about their personalities; nothing else; They simply destroy all possibilities of taking any interest in them; meaning; they are not the right ones for me. I would die inside. They might have been cute; but that is not enough. All my life from the beginning its been this way; no one seeing any value in me; nothing. zero. is it really suppose to be this way.
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The problem;
Where; where do I meet the right people I can trust and feel safe around; that value me. I do not know. As I said; Im getting old; Ive never had a girlfriend; ever. Nothing; no one of account; nothing. ridiculous.
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Ive never tried to have the right people in my life. Ive wanted the right people in my life; instead; God has kept me alone or learning how to live alone; as if maybe I was never suppose to be with someone ever; how sad is that; I dont understand any of this. Ill die alone; really; even that is taken from me. Why am I not attracting any women.
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When I see a women; I can see that God might have brought her into my life. But I have to try to hard to make her into something she is not. I finally walk away frustrated; " this is not a person God has brought into my life? I dont understand".
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The problem is; with women; its like being around a bunch of strangers; aliens; creatures from another planet. I dont mean this as a joke; men are from mars and women from Venus; This is an adage from the old books of my time; Im an old man; so those young readying this may not of ever heard of this concept. Anyway; Im not trying to figure women out for no women have never wanted me; no one....nothing; dead signal space; no signal.
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I dont want anything to do with 99% of the wome; because Im only interested in those women I connect with; and I dont connect with 99% of them. I dont connect with 100% of them; nothing... non of them accept those who want to connect with me; if they truly want to; can be fed by it. When I do meet that unusual women I do connect with; and maybe she might be someone I could ask out; But this has never happened; Im not sure why Im writing it... I should say; when I meet a women " I Think" could be the right person to interact with; things go wrong very quickly; Its murky and I dont want to make a fool out of myself asking her out when she is not worthy of my time. And I mean that; she is not worthy. I need to be around worthy people and know it; valuable people and know it. People that will feel something if Im not in their lives or they never see again; it will mean something to them because I mean something to them. Ive not found people like this; Ive found no women ever like this; they write me off completely as if Im of no value; nothing. Im so sick of it; I dont want them around me anymore; anyone like this. And I dont know where to find valuable people; valuable women; that sounds odd and very strange... is that correct in what Im saying; I dont find valuable women; thats not a correct statement. Im not finding anyone interested in me; and some of the reason is; I have to go to other places for that; but Im not getting any signals from the universe; nothing; its as if Ill be single all my life and then die.... Im not getting any signals as if their is no one out their for me; nothing... really?
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. I simply dont know. I simply dont know; its like listening to a dead radio station; I turn on the radio; and all I get are dead stations; just white noise as if ive been in an apoccolips; meaning the frequency of women I could date or the faith of such things or hope of such things; hope is gone; nothing..... I can never be the kind of together person a women dreams of or hopes for; won't ever happen; never... ever ever ever... it just won't... ever... I dont know what to do.... I dont... I want to leave this planet; thats what I want... get away from these filthy creatures called humanoids....... ive had enough of this loonesee. it makes me sick; all of this; its sickening; its pure evil.
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Im being judge on things like self esteem and confidence instead of being judged on pure value; ridiculous; stupid. ...
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Ill try to describe this; I am feeling better about myself and my direction; theirs no women involved in this. And I dont have a clue of understanding to this; is God going to bring at least one at some point. I dont understand. I really dont.
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Im moving forward with my life; but no women.... I feel it; Im starting to accept myself and my life and happiness as I am. I knew one or 2 women I talk with; one I can connect with; but nothing personal; She is married.
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I have no dating material; nothing... I mean flat out nothing. zero. Nothing. Nothing Nothing, Nothing , Nothing Nothing nothing. Nothing makes any sense here. Nothing.
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Ill have to work with God to get to the next level or place. But I dont understand why this is taking so long.
Ive had women attracted to me; but nothing comes of it; nothing. If your a women and you play me against other men; im finished with you for good. If you look at me less then who I am; Im; finished with you for good. If you try to act cool with y our girl groups acting like a feminist and attempt that nonsense with a quality person as myself; im finished with you for good... and thats that.... if you look at me as a little boy and you are going to ship-me-up; meaning get me together; and your going to play some stupid role doing so; Your sadly mistaken; your finished. In fact; most of this type of nonsense; your finished; your finished; your finished your finished; your finished. You're finished.
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What does this mean; Ive not met the right person... thats what it really means.
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But at times I think God is sending the right people; but was mistaken and have to move on and its frustrating because I was played and was going know where with the person.
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Im scared to venture out with other women; but I have to.... This hurt; it causes allot of grief... Ill have to keep at it; LOA and soulmate stuff. Im learning to love my life and where Im going anyway; but it breaks my heart; I have found women I could like maybe; but they blow it..and I realize Im not valued so I give up on them and move on... And I dont want to get around them anymore; because I realize they are more game players and narcissist types and Im just being played so someone can see if they can get attention off of me; they are not serious. and this truly makes me sick. I have allot more respect for the true narcissist I can spot; or recognize their covert actions; I have more respect for them; their pathological behavior is more out in the open.
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I have no interest in women in general accept the ones Im going to date. Its frustrating; I dont want to know the others or be friends with them; only the ones I want to date. Well; God sends a few others for me to associate with as sisters; and I appreciate that.
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All of this is hard... I never feel worthy or good enough; not enough goods or money. But Im starting to like myself and slowly move away from those type of people; where its all about money; I just dont see myself connecting with the right people at all ever. like ill be single until I pass away from the earth into heaven. Strange life.... not Ok....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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