It's so hard, so sad, its all like yesterday! You relive your whole young life, trying to get to the core of it and remember, then you realize its 45 years ago! And you simply fall over and sink into a whole you don't want to get out of!
This is truly hardcore! It's the real thing! The goal is to get better, get strong enough to process some of those past events that were stolen! Feel the steal! When life was stolen from me! Feel it, see it, grieve it, face it! Im attempting to remember everything before the dissociative disorder took over! When it took over, I went into a mist like cloud and never returned for 30 years!
The 30 years I was gone; " I was gone," it was another personality made up of at least 6 different personalities of different time periods! Different means of different age periods! I would not call them by name! One was or is a 4 year old he/she, that runs the alter system; she is the protector! There is a psychopath soldier that can keep me alive if there is no personality host! Where my mind died! I have rebellious teenager; 14 or 15! I have the hidden one; he never comes out! He was raped over n over!
I have the youngest one who experiences stuff very very young! He went through bad things! It is this time period that comes up when others attempt to get close to me!
I have memories of my childhood I never remembered! I have memories of sitting down behind a tree as a boy! Or a tree bush on a hot summer day; sitting by a house! And yet, I never remembered this before! Because I cannot place this person in my childhood! This is another boy with his own memories!
I am healing up, and in the last several years have has mass integration development!
One area Im wanting change! Im looking forward to remembering the day to day life of my child hood with my father when very young! I would like to go from those memories back into reality and live again!
Ive put up with allot of people blocking me! Trying to knock me down; nock down my ego! They attempt to complete with me! At times I think its about women! They are trying to knock my status off with the women in the room! Could be!
My gaol is to remember the days I felt safe and secure as a boy, to feels those again! And feel safe again! That would be nice!
I know the psychopaths could not be anything other then psychopaths on a daily basis! If you were to profile these sociopath psychopaths; you would find classic profiles! Nothing new here!
One goal is to not take anything personally that happened to me! And this is brutally hard, yet I am practicing this!
Im solving certain problems I could not solve before!
The goal is social interaction! And I personally know what this means! I had problems with anything that breathed! anything breathing could hurt me! could take advantage of me! could use me or spitefully hold things against me!
PTSD; Its all to much, it takes me over completely, and I don't know where Im at!