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The girl at the meetings and other things

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jan 22, 2014 11:26 pm

As I got up this morning! I ended up working through some personal things; thinking about personal stuff from my past! who am I. Who defines me! I had a definition of self as a part of my childhood. unfortunately a sociopath destroyed everything... so my past was erased as I was erased. I was put through demoralizing abuses and many other horrible things then thrown out as a human being consumed to death! or through deaths door!

As I slowly come to grips with this ( what happened and what was taken away), I slowly return to self, with all my dreams and ambitions and interests( or I begin to see self), and I remember my life on that precious street I grew up on! I am horrified that I was ever f%cked with or pulled away from this street by monsters. ( I had a solid decent life rolling as a kid) and Im starting to reestablish myself as this kid ( its about permission from God and the child that was deceased. It starts with the memories and the original self allowing presence or to be present.

Dissociative disorder closes memories and original self into a box deep within the outer regions of unconsciousness ( the electronic door shuts from one side to the other, closing origin self in, keeping outer self out) My soul was and self were hiding into a safe place of Gods mind and body ( I was going home to God; preparing for such a completed journey) And if things did not get better in the outside world I would have joined God in permanence and left this planet for good ( I had no choices, I was like a bug smashed on the window of a moving van). I was 75% percent there; with God! It would not last long or take long to be completed within God. I was 50% in heaven! I needed not much more to finish the job; only death!

I am astonished Im not with God in his kingdom; instead Im in safe harbors again on earth. Remember, nothing is really safe safe, on earth. Im taking about common sense safe! I will have more personal situations in this life, I will get older and pass away at some point!

A safe place or space was created within self and the outside world. That I went from full hatred and contempt for self back to independent love for self. Because safe harbors were created for me on planet earth! my thinking has changed and the original-blue-print-me is willing to take another chance and come back to me-mind and live within; learning to love and live and be alive once more! This original self will start living where I left of as child-self; when the tornado came and took me away!

At that corner of the universe of horror and distraction and debased madness of death that created my demise; I headed to heaven. God was concerned... He did not call upon me! I showed up at his door step and he wondered what interruption in the Universe wave had brought me home; what disturbance!

I was hidden, now I appear! Now you see me! now you don't!

This $#%^ does happen! its horrible and not acceptable; no more acceptable then the Nazies killing people in concentration camps. However, it happens.. And it happened to me! Theirs no reason to gloat over who the perpetrators are. They are nameless sickos within the deep edge of horror and satanism ( millions of them exist)! They are vampires and always will be vampires and nothing more! they are unreliable satanic orgs, nothing more! Monsters that ripped children to pieces. They are monster criminals;' And that is what they are! They have complete contempt against all living things and feel superior to all living things, and feel nothing for anyone! They are murderers, and they murder all things, mainly anything next to them! Their children mean nothing to them! all living things are objects with only one purpose; to serve them! if you are not demoralized into slavery to serve them, you have no real purpose around them! They will murder you or get rid of you; you are never to come back. If you have to come back; you will be demoralized and murdered again, played again, thrown out again!

The deeper self has or is emerging... In order for this to happen! I have to take care of myself! and feel safe in the here and now! and this is happening.. ive worked with counselors and 12 step groups and God for years from the beginning to rebuild my life one stone at a time! It is and was brutal. Things are now changing. God is holding me accountable! God is the hand of the child that is me! and God is happy with me and the direction and work I have undertaken to prove to him and the inner child that I am willing and safe to take care of self. For this reason, the child and the child's memories are returning to me; a prof of labor gift!

Understand that the child was on its way to heaven. Heaven was open, had opened its heart to God and told God to receive me that my time had abruptly come! I was being wished away to God if things did not change on planet earth. Things did not change, However, God opened a door that I step into recovery! and it is in recovery that my broken life has been slowly rebuilt; God created a door way to the side instead of heaven. I got another chance! however, I had to take it; show that I wanted it! and I did; out of desperation.

The original players in my life are gone; all of them. However, the memories of the street and the people, places and things and most important; the dreams I had as a child, remain intact. ITs like a ghost town that was not leveled during a war! I accept and work through that the original occupants are gone! once accepting that, I am allowed to return with my dreams and rebuild by life in this ghost town! However, this town is now filled with new faces! and I am a new face!

In the original self or play! Many of the characters that would make my dreams come true existed for me as a child! Yet, Now, they are no more! so, what do I do? God has allowed the original memories to prosper again, to sprout and grow because I am established more in the present. New players may be added while the old ones have died of. I am allowing the community to make me grow again. I have been allowed to grow again!

What once was dissociative, is now becoming present! a true miracle... a real miracle. This is self returning! as if died, gone to heaven with God, then came back to my body! I am very lucky Im not dead. I was very close! and close for a long long long time!

I am being completely regenerated back to life. I am pushing the coffin door open, bending forward, looking around, standing up, brushing myself of, and simply walking out of the grave yard to the outside world again! As if nothing ever happened. Very strange; and I say this with a sigh of relief!

I am not returning as a broken person! I am a broken person, yet its different! I am returning as a person that was broken and is regaining self.. Im becoming unbroken from the core up!

I am a fragile person, waking up from an authentic coma based disaster, Many who experience the same thing will not wake up from this.. I got lucky!, The last thing I remember; 1970, and man had just landed on the moon a few years back! I watched it on TV. In those days, you had 8 channels; and thats it. In those days it was nothing but the beetles on the radio; 24 seven! the whole world was the beetles and James Bond movies and spy vs spy! Well, Charlie Brown had just come out a few years back and was now being turned into more then Christmas specials...

I am hurting! I am regurgitating self back into my nervous system to become legitimately integrated again! The parts of me are crowding together into the same brain. Integration is being forced by the ruler of the community! The guardian is allowing integration! Its a wonderful thing... Its interesting to have movie like memories of precious times of my history that were gone for ever; they are coming back!

Its like finding old movie reels in a cave. I put them on an old movie camera and play them in the cave. And I see my hidden years before me. However, these movie reels are mine. It is my secret discovered cave! no one else knows or is invited. And these newly found parts of self can be safe and viewed in complete integrity.


So, Im back to the main topic; the girl from the meetings. I have admitted that I like her! However, I do not think that is enough.

When or if I ever get strong enough to ignore the warning signs, I might approach her! However, Im getting this feeling ive been played from the beginning. Things do not add up!

So, I am preying and trusting God! Possibly it might be healthy to be strong enough to approach this person! However, Ive been through this before! When I was young, I was head strong and went after a girl! She played me into the ground, leading me on the whole time! Finally she pulled the rug on the deal! and I was left destroyed... for her it was strength or weakness, it did not matter what type of person you were!

Im waiting and watching! I do like this girl. I caught myself looking at her in a glance because I simply liked her! is this safe, is it enough. Something is missing. I think what is missing is her.! She says nice things, but I do not think she is saying them to me! I would like to think she is. Im smart enough to know better! she is not thinking about me! She is playing other guys in the rooms. I must back away!

Its a sick game and I wonder why I like sick women! I have to really think about this one! prey about it! its not funny, and its not a game.... I can get into trouble around the wrong people; I do not need it. I have to look at my co-dependency issues.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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