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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
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   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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The girl at 14

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Dec 01, 2018 1:25 am

So; Im dealing with the girl at 14; When I was 14; God brought me a girl to love! She was from God! I opened up to her; worked with her; loved her; molded her! meaning, I actually loved her and cared about her and thought about her and wanted to be with her more then life itself! She was my ( Friend); and that is why she trusted me! I gave her attention; Like I "give a dam"; because I did! I was proud of my friendship with her! She was my authentic friend and I had created that friendship!
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When it came time to move beyond it and make her my girlfriend; I could not! In fact; I was suppose to make her my girlfriend from the start; I did not! I thought at some point; I would! I was a late starter! no problem! but it never happened; I could not advance at all! Nothing!
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At some point; I turned on her because of my guilt and shame and fear! Sure; I had an alibi for my fear and shame and loathing and pain and heartbreak! However, I seemed to have forgotten that I loved her and wanted to take care of her and she was all I was thinking about; suddenly, I was defensive, and I was all I was thinking about! and I was turning on her like she was the enemy! The problem was; she was 100% innocent! Nothing had actually changed from my situation; she trusted me 100% and everything appeared fine from her perspective; SO; what happened?
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I think the point is; what did not happen! If I had followed through; through this tension; I would have made it to the other side of my manhood and continued! However, their was a problem! I was not addressing reality! Non of it; for on the school level; I was flunking out completely! And something told me; if I followed through with her; all of that "other" stuff, like flunking out of school and the reasons for it; it would all suddenly surface, including the past that created me and brought me to this dysfunctional departure! For I was at a strange cross roads, all alone!
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Was I alone; No! and this is what hurts! I was not alone! She loved me! she would have been with me all my life; God sent her! I did not follow through! I was afraid of everything! I still did not follow through! If I had followed through with Gods plans; good things would have been made from it! I did not!
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On interesting aspect and the most interesting aspect; I did not seem to care about how she felt at that moment when I abandon her; and she was completely innocent! and yet; 3 month before that, I loved her with all my heart and love my friendship with her and loved her and loved being with her and was planning all kinds of things to do with her; but; I had to follow through with this basic stuff; letting her know how I felt about her; she was my girlfriend; she was waiting for me to make her my girlfriend! All I had to do was follow through! She would have been an Allie and on my side; a best friend! I would not take the chance and move forward! but why! and their it is!
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And this issue is not" why" I didn't do it; the real issue is; how do I get enough momentum in the present that this stop; this type of behavior. If it does not stop; Im never going to be in relationships ever again! And I haven't been in relationships because of what stopped this relationship!
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And as Im talking about this; or writing about it; I go back into my self centered state again and forget all about her and what I did not her! I dissociate into another realm!
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One answer is this; Who ever I make a friend from or with; I create; I follow through regardless; I don't just let them hang their out to dry! and why would I do this with someone I love! and with that; Im on the right track! but I could not follow through with this statement! and I don't know why!
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So; I have to get my character under my belt! The fact is; I destroyed my own character or reputation by not following through with a major relationship! I fell through the cracks and was no more!
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Working with the universe and God; I guess the only thing I can do is be pitted again with a positive situation created by God where I have the opportunity to make a new friend who is aligned with me from God and follow through! its this " following through" thats like a negative phobia!
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Today, Im working with God; Im taking all of this every second to the universe to find some answers to this; that I can follow through and let go and move on to a better life with someone else!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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