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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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The Gaping Gap!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 12, 2017 5:40 pm

Im 14 Living with; what you call a mother! unfortunately, I called her the same thing! She was an animal! a wolf; like a real one; find a pack of wolves for protection in another mountain somewhere; thats what she did! I call her a "she" Its more like an " it" or " thing"; their is no "she"; its not fare to reference her with human beings; this is a monster; Pronouns fit for humans; they do not fit her! ITs not far to the rest of us! Monsters are not male or female! They are monsters! Their purpose is to be destroyed; period! They destroy humans; thats their purpose; my purpose is to survive and get away from them and never go back around them again! I owe them nothing! This society owes me for ever putting such demonic filth around innocent children.
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Im 14 and have no choice; or 13 going on 14, and have no choice; I have to move again; Im being sexually abused where I live; and bullied at school; I have no one! and Im in this school with no guidance! Im floundering around in a state of PTSD and shock and trauma and slowly withdrawing and being destroyed! IT was a horrific nightmare! No one cared about me or my schooling or what happened to me or my future! I had been completely thrown away!
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I had no choice; I had to do something; I was being destroyed! My whole life; its like I was a bug and someone sprayed me with a can of raid; and sat back and watched as I was slowly dying of it; no one cared! Society did this; it wasn't just the psychopaths I was forced to live with!
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I moved; I moved to the coast in with my mother and one of her new families! she had already gone through another guy; she married him; her parents got him out of their; they saw what she was! She manipulated another guy and married into his family! What she didnt expect; she legally had to take us in! The type of work she did! she had to keep up appearances! She could not turn us down and she could explain to her new husband why she was not taking care of her children; why she had three children on the other side of the state that no one was looking after!
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Lies and more lies! For anyone who knows what a sociopathic narcissist is like; they lie! My mother; This was no narcissist; this was a full fledged brutal based psychopath; their lies are different; their lies are pure relational aggression; they are out to destroy humans at the end of this hate chain; and meant to harm or kill others; its not just to protect their position! My mother created an elaborate system of lies to her husbands that we were bad children and trouble makers; That she was some kind of victim! She found weak men that would buy into these stories! She had no conscious, so she did not appear to be lying! However, anyone with a real developed conscious would start to wonder what this women was doing on the other side of the state from her children! But she would never find a man of this value! she made sure to find weak men she could ply her trade on!
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I was especially attacked; made out to be one of these victims of this psychopaths lies! So, when I ended up living with her; them; I was a scape goat trouble maker! I didnt care; anything would be better then being raped and chased like I was a girl; and prodded like I was a girl in a dress; thats what it was like when living with the other people before I came to the coast! My nervous system was destroyed from that! My sexual development stunned and traumatized into a state of sickness! I cant describe it; My ability to have relationships for get close to anyone destroyed; in addition; the damage it did to me in general; the betrayal and lack of trust to anything and anyone within this societal system! I had no protection; just more dissociation and horror and hatred! And I watched how this glorious country that I lived in allowed this and did nothing! No one cared! The Christian point of view was a lie! If you came from a good family, you got the Christian churchy benefits! If you were stuck in a situation like mine; no Christians to be seen for 100 miles; or their churches! if you stepped back in their churches; you were deemed a bad person and a trouble maker because you were being destroyed from abuse! You were thrown away and laughed at while you were forced with no other options then to put a noose around your neck and hang yourself! I would say the Christian church and the middle class or upper middle class is more like a gang! If you cross them; point out their flaws, they will dump you and force you to starve to death until the only option you have is to kill your self or go to war! their no different the the murder'rs at the state penitentiary; The only difference; the middle and upper middle class criminal wear suits n ties and black dresses while the inmates at D.O.C wear orange jump suits; other then that; no difference!
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So, Im in this new place on the coast! The first thing I notice! I have to take a bus to school; I have no protection! Im not ready to protect myself! this is a bigger city with allot of losers in it! I make it to the school system; but theirs problem; bullies!
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The problem is Im interested in popularity and survival but my schooling is non existent! I cant function in a class room or do any school work; impossible; I cant read a book anymore; I haven't gotten basic needs met! I have problems and my nervous system has been raped and ruptured! Im barley hanging on! Im in a state of traumatic shock.
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In the end; Im in real trouble! my mind has been destroyed through trauma; Im half home mentally; meaning, Im half in reality and the rest is damaged within my mind and is at the point that its ruptured and cant come back! And to this day, Im still damaged! Im using the other part of my mind for recovery!
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The gap; from 7 years old; realizing Im around psychopaths; they are the care giver role; to 9 years old, when I realize I have no hope! This family structure and way of life is over; it was a contrived lie created by monsters for a quick fix! I will dumped after this charade is over at 10 years old; dumped as if I was never born! All alone!
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I found myself in new situations of no hope and no protection where I would be used or marginalized at best with no hope!
The hope could come if I could branch out on my own and recover my own life; impossible; impossible to ask a child who had just lost everything as if in a war, to then suddenly become superman and become independent as if with a thousand people of support and turn the world around from underneath him! The only turning that would occur in my overwhelmed broken life would be the rope around my neck! I truly have no home; no family, no neighborhood, no relatives that matter; nothing! No hometown! nothing! its like Im not from this society
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The gap is; relationships destroyed or unable to develop and the horror of schooling destroyed and unable to function in or around or with any kind of work area! With out schooling; no economics! If Im in low level economics; my mind will be obliterated! My mind will be starved 12 hours a day! Id end up killing myself at some point! and Ive already been their! No dreams; just massive pain! Not able to work or make friends; Im to ruptured and to damaged!
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No schooling or economics and no relationships! So; what do i do about it; thats what Im working on now! Im a the point; I dont need anyone from the past coming back because Ive done years of extensive work on it! Thank God I dont have to see anyone from the past! However, that doesn't mean its over! the past still needs to be mopped up! I have unending situations from the past that need to be resolved!
1. PTSD influence has to go! Im at the point that I use meditation to be present in my imagination; I imagine I'm in the room in actually in; I visualize everything; the PTSD will show up and take over, and I force my mind to go back and remember where Im actually at; The room Im in! I practice this against the PTSD, soon, I'm more present! Its been said; it takes about month to change a habit! so, it will take a month before meditation really kicks in; and thats just the beginning!
2. Im not alone; I go to 12 step meetings; thats a start. However, Ive been at them along time and I want to graduate out of that social situation into the arms of others in the community!
3. psych support with people of a trauma psychological background; no regular-ites please! I talk to people from the psychiatric class and trauma class about my trauma; I leave the regular people in the world alone; they dont have the maturity for such things and can cause me great damage and pain because of their lack of value for my validated stories!
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4. Success based thinking; This is so very important to reset what I never had but thought I would have when a child! I thought; as a small child, that I would have a stable family and be brought up with goals and dreams and live a wonderful like, like i saw on TV! And it can still happen; if I use the success positive based teaching process that Billionares use to get rich! When I learn what they've learned on how to be successful; I can do what ever I want in this world! However, the paths they use and the paths I use are open and feel terrorizing for me because of my CPTSD past! Its not so easy for me to walk down the same trails I was raped on and disabled and dismantled. So, extra care must be in place with Gods help! and their are many gaps down those pathways Im must deal with! Strategies must be created by God to help me overcome these gaps! The goal is to get from one side of the gap to the other; jump, fly, swim, run, walk, hover; what ever it takes! I work with God to learn that I can over come these gaps that have kept me from my development! That is what Im learning! And I must have support when facing these gaps I must!
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The future looks bright for me! However, Im not out of the quicksand yet! Im stuck in the quicksand; but Im not stuck anymore; but Im still in it! I've been able to find the branches overhead, grab them, make a contraption with them to pull myself out of the quicksand! Im now doing that! Ive gained enough hope and Im re investing my my future and my life! However, the contraptions Im using to get out of the quicksand does not always work right and I find myself still stuck; adjustments must be make to this device! Is not easy to be in the quicksand and working on the device at the same time; so its a hardship! and at times, to re tool things takes months! and its frustrating and seems hopeless or frustrating! I dont like fear; and Ive always got that nagging feeling Im going to sink; this is what motivates me to keep reaching out and looking and seeking and knocking! ITs working! But I got allot of pain to face and work through; but Ill get their!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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