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Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1109)
- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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The gap is closing; The problem has been grief

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 28, 2019 1:56 am

Grief is the problem of all things with me; to much grief; to much to handle; making me dissociate; and of course; if the reader had any idea of what Ive been through; you would know Im caring 100,000 pounds of trauma based un resolved grief; A child cannot handle 25 pounds of grief; they will shut down and become depressed and not function anymore or want to do anything anymore; they will be sad and stunned and be in a state of morbid lethargy.... just imagine if you had 100,000 pounds of it. One will not be able to access any of it; it will be a tornado tremendous wall that one is not allowed to be near; it will keep the person in a perpetual state of immaturity of a 7 year old for the rest of their lives; for the person cant grow; they cant get beyond the wall. Ive been working on this problem for a long time. And Ive created bridges beyond the wall; from one side of trauma-river to the other; However, the problem remains; if one where to cross the bridge; the grief would get so intense driving them back; the grief being like a growing furnace getting hotter and hotter as one approaches its epicenter.
So; Im getting stronger and have bridges in place; the gaps on many past things are filled in and bridges in-place; However lads; lets get real for a moment; When I cross that bridge; its going to get lonely and hot; the heat I will not with stand and a strong funny feeling will over take me; Ill be leaving my childhood and the past. And a special kind of anger and aloneness sets in. And it hurts; but I must get past it; why? because once I get past it; My childhood belongs to me again; I can be me again without all that back-pressure; pressure from the unsettled past.... I will be facing it; over coming it and settling it; and then I can live in peace as I wish; and Im starting to get an idea of how I want to live it; for I lived it once before when I was young and I thought I had a future of what makes me happy at that time; and I want that feeling back; that feeling of loving life so much and the beautiful thoughts going with it.

Women are the only area the gap is generally still much wider open; but its not. I know where Im going and what Im looking for. Im scared of rejection; really scared; but Ill have to get over it; and the problem with this is the gap; I mean; Im not up to speed yet. thats the problem. Im 3 years behind myself; what does that mean; when I ask a women out; Im hollow; not aligned; not myself; I fall into my own abyss because I want the women to complete me because Im not aligned; Im split energy; theirs a psychological vascular fission creating between my childhood and the adult; a 3 year gap between both energies not alined; When I ask someone out; Im actually asking them to save me; Im not really asking them out; i want them to take care of me and give me relief; when Im aligned with myself I don't need to do this because the gap is complete. And this is the problem I have with women; I need them to make me strong where Im weak; and of course; many women wont do this; they want me to be strong and they rely upon me because they are weak.
I know the kind of women Im looking for; I know what will now work and what wont. I know 90% of the attractive women I meet will not work for me.... or more like 95% of the attractive women I meet or 99% of the attractive women; well; more like 98% of the attractive women I meet will not do. Id date all the others; but not marry them.
I know what Im looking for; I kind of know where because I know its upward a long ways from where Im at; like going up a funnel into its drop spout; the women I want are highly intellectual; I don't mean masculine; Im not talking about feminists; I don't date that kind of filth; those communists are destroying America; and yet they like the privilege of all the toil that created it; all the blood shed that created the freedom of it; but they don't want to pay for it. sickening.. Anyway; I don't date those type of people. I wont get near them; their crazy concerning dating; Ive seen some of them; masculine and Thinking their attractive to men because their assertive business women; men puke at such foul creatures.
So; I know what Im looking for; And I have to become more of what Im looking for and I know how to do that; meaning; Ive got an idea of how to become that kind of person on a daily basis; I just have to learn to trust I can be what I want to be regardless of what others think of me. and this can be done.
I have to make a list of the things I want to do on a daily basis; the kind of fun and the things I Like to express. And I think this can be done.
Cars; I think the gap was completed today; I had to go through a situation today.
An example of what clears the gap; fills it in!
Imagine Im 14 years old and I wanted to know about cars; I would either get with my friends or have my father teach me; I have no brothers to do this with and would not want them involved in my life.
So; I would need a situation where I have friends and I want to know about cars; a group I trust that I can connect with. I would need friends that I could talk to about it and they would offer to help; help guide me or be on my side while in the middle of this quest.
2 people have shown up for this; one of them is me; Im ready; the other is my sponsor from one of my meetings; he brought it up... And I can tell; he's on my side; he is the other connection I would have had at 14 years old... He is the independent friends I would have made; this means; Im reaching outward to others for help and connection of my life and having some success at it; and the universe is behind it; and its not from direct family or anyone from the past.... ITs bran new!
The goal is connection; and the universe is bringing those connections and those connections fill the gap; they close it; does it mean I have a car; no! thats another matter. Does it mean I have the money for the car; No! thats another matter.
Art; a connection has been made with art and its all ready starting. However, Im feeling the problem; and the problem is grief.... Grief of an innocent past life.... I know when creating art; Im hitting and triggering flash backs... Im triggering critical voice and Im triggering much of my childhood before I was murdered; and I will re experience it; but I will also experience the fear that will soon follow my young life when I am destroyed.. So; Im experiencing both sets of emotions; and that wont be easy; thats allot of trauma overload.
Im feeling the stress of experiencing he elating feelings of summer vacations I took at different lakes and how I loved and appreciated it so; and I will feel the horrible sadness and grief of loss of those things and the horror and grief of dreaming and believing I had a future like any other kid; getting to go to camp and doing well in school and having a father that loved me and all the things a good kid like me; and innocent kid like me would experience; and I will feel the horror and sadness of a life snuffed out and the slowly de coupling of my life; one symbolic limb at a time until I am no more......
I am remembering more n more of the true pure innocence of my life when young; and it is these things I wanted to go to heaven for; that I could remember those things; for heaven was the only safe place it could be done. But God is allowing such things on earth. We will see if all my memories return; I would be that innocent boy again; and I think it just might happen... We will see. It would be heaven on earth.
I have a lot of abuse issues to work through of those times when I was a boy ad thrown away into new territory.... Alone with no family that matters. no one from my past; alone. left alone. no one cared what happened to me or if they ever saw me again; and I would see those monsters for what they really were.... And experience being thrown away at full volume....
So; things are moving forward in many ways; and the key is to work with the universe and allow the universe to help me see the pathways in front of me concerning my desires and my happiness.
Im truly attempting to create happiness on a daily basis; and it is a feeling and a feeling of safety and a unison with the real nerd intellectual in me; the kid that red comic books or mad books and magazines; the kid that watch the show " Voyage to the Bottom of the sea and flipper" the kid that loved reading science fiction books alone by himself or at night; the boy that loved creating art work... the kid that loved Scooby Do cartoons in the mornings in the late 60's.... And many many other things; it made me feel great. And I remember all the creative work I did; writing and thinking and imaginative creating; and Ill be back doing those things again; Im already coming upon such things...

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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