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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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The gap is closing; The problem has been grief

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 28, 2019 1:56 am

Grief is the problem of all things with me; to much grief; to much to handle; making me dissociate; and of course; if the reader had any idea of what Ive been through; you would know Im caring 100,000 pounds of trauma based un resolved grief; A child cannot handle 25 pounds of grief; they will shut down and become depressed and not function anymore or want to do anything anymore; they will be sad and stunned and be in a state of morbid lethargy.... just imagine if you had 100,000 pounds of it. One will not be able to access any of it; it will be a tornado tremendous wall that one is not allowed to be near; it will keep the person in a perpetual state of immaturity of a 7 year old for the rest of their lives; for the person cant grow; they cant get beyond the wall. Ive been working on this problem for a long time. And Ive created bridges beyond the wall; from one side of trauma-river to the other; However, the problem remains; if one where to cross the bridge; the grief would get so intense driving them back; the grief being like a growing furnace getting hotter and hotter as one approaches its epicenter.
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So; Im getting stronger and have bridges in place; the gaps on many past things are filled in and bridges in-place; However lads; lets get real for a moment; When I cross that bridge; its going to get lonely and hot; the heat I will not with stand and a strong funny feeling will over take me; Ill be leaving my childhood and the past. And a special kind of anger and aloneness sets in. And it hurts; but I must get past it; why? because once I get past it; My childhood belongs to me again; I can be me again without all that back-pressure; pressure from the unsettled past.... I will be facing it; over coming it and settling it; and then I can live in peace as I wish; and Im starting to get an idea of how I want to live it; for I lived it once before when I was young and I thought I had a future of what makes me happy at that time; and I want that feeling back; that feeling of loving life so much and the beautiful thoughts going with it.
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Women are the only area the gap is generally still much wider open; but its not. I know where Im going and what Im looking for. Im scared of rejection; really scared; but Ill have to get over it; and the problem with this is the gap; I mean; Im not up to speed yet. thats the problem. Im 3 years behind myself; what does that mean; when I ask a women out; Im hollow; not aligned; not myself; I fall into my own abyss because I want the women to complete me because Im not aligned; Im split energy; theirs a psychological vascular fission creating between my childhood and the adult; a 3 year gap between both energies not alined; When I ask someone out; Im actually asking them to save me; Im not really asking them out; i want them to take care of me and give me relief; when Im aligned with myself I don't need to do this because the gap is complete. And this is the problem I have with women; I need them to make me strong where Im weak; and of course; many women wont do this; they want me to be strong and they rely upon me because they are weak.
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I know the kind of women Im looking for; I know what will now work and what wont. I know 90% of the attractive women I meet will not work for me.... or more like 95% of the attractive women I meet or 99% of the attractive women; well; more like 98% of the attractive women I meet will not do. Id date all the others; but not marry them.
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I know what Im looking for; I kind of know where because I know its upward a long ways from where Im at; like going up a funnel into its drop spout; the women I want are highly intellectual; I don't mean masculine; Im not talking about feminists; I don't date that kind of filth; those communists are destroying America; and yet they like the privilege of all the toil that created it; all the blood shed that created the freedom of it; but they don't want to pay for it. sickening.. Anyway; I don't date those type of people. I wont get near them; their crazy concerning dating; Ive seen some of them; masculine and Thinking their attractive to men because their assertive business women; men puke at such foul creatures.
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So; I know what Im looking for; And I have to become more of what Im looking for and I know how to do that; meaning; Ive got an idea of how to become that kind of person on a daily basis; I just have to learn to trust I can be what I want to be regardless of what others think of me. and this can be done.
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I have to make a list of the things I want to do on a daily basis; the kind of fun and the things I Like to express. And I think this can be done.
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Cars; I think the gap was completed today; I had to go through a situation today.
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An example of what clears the gap; fills it in!
Imagine Im 14 years old and I wanted to know about cars; I would either get with my friends or have my father teach me; I have no brothers to do this with and would not want them involved in my life.
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So; I would need a situation where I have friends and I want to know about cars; a group I trust that I can connect with. I would need friends that I could talk to about it and they would offer to help; help guide me or be on my side while in the middle of this quest.
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2 people have shown up for this; one of them is me; Im ready; the other is my sponsor from one of my meetings; he brought it up... And I can tell; he's on my side; he is the other connection I would have had at 14 years old... He is the independent friends I would have made; this means; Im reaching outward to others for help and connection of my life and having some success at it; and the universe is behind it; and its not from direct family or anyone from the past.... ITs bran new!
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The goal is connection; and the universe is bringing those connections and those connections fill the gap; they close it; does it mean I have a car; no! thats another matter. Does it mean I have the money for the car; No! thats another matter.
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Art; a connection has been made with art and its all ready starting. However, Im feeling the problem; and the problem is grief.... Grief of an innocent past life.... I know when creating art; Im hitting and triggering flash backs... Im triggering critical voice and Im triggering much of my childhood before I was murdered; and I will re experience it; but I will also experience the fear that will soon follow my young life when I am destroyed.. So; Im experiencing both sets of emotions; and that wont be easy; thats allot of trauma overload.
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Im feeling the stress of experiencing he elating feelings of summer vacations I took at different lakes and how I loved and appreciated it so; and I will feel the horrible sadness and grief of loss of those things and the horror and grief of dreaming and believing I had a future like any other kid; getting to go to camp and doing well in school and having a father that loved me and all the things a good kid like me; and innocent kid like me would experience; and I will feel the horror and sadness of a life snuffed out and the slowly de coupling of my life; one symbolic limb at a time until I am no more......
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I am remembering more n more of the true pure innocence of my life when young; and it is these things I wanted to go to heaven for; that I could remember those things; for heaven was the only safe place it could be done. But God is allowing such things on earth. We will see if all my memories return; I would be that innocent boy again; and I think it just might happen... We will see. It would be heaven on earth.
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I have a lot of abuse issues to work through of those times when I was a boy ad thrown away into new territory.... Alone with no family that matters. no one from my past; alone. left alone. no one cared what happened to me or if they ever saw me again; and I would see those monsters for what they really were.... And experience being thrown away at full volume....
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So; things are moving forward in many ways; and the key is to work with the universe and allow the universe to help me see the pathways in front of me concerning my desires and my happiness.
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Im truly attempting to create happiness on a daily basis; and it is a feeling and a feeling of safety and a unison with the real nerd intellectual in me; the kid that red comic books or mad books and magazines; the kid that watch the show " Voyage to the Bottom of the sea and flipper" the kid that loved reading science fiction books alone by himself or at night; the boy that loved creating art work... the kid that loved Scooby Do cartoons in the mornings in the late 60's.... And many many other things; it made me feel great. And I remember all the creative work I did; writing and thinking and imaginative creating; and Ill be back doing those things again; Im already coming upon such things...
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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