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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
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Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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The Gap

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Dec 11, 2017 6:03 pm

A gap resides between me and where I want to be or how I want to be. How I want to be determine where I want to be! I change on the inside first!
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I have to grieve the middle where Im still believing in a falls past that is being fueled by a broken child within me that does not want to let go.
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One problem is the split from child to adult at the age of 9! Age 9 is the beginning of it; for this is the transfer age! This is the age I discover that things are going wrong in the past from the beginning of my life to age 9, This is the beginning of the knowledge of disintegration of my young life to a future throw away existence! Im slowly being dissolved as a human being! meaning, Im being thrown away and forgotten! I was used and now Im being thrown away! The process will take a years time! Then at the age of 10, it starts! At the age of 10 I'm in dramatic shock!
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A gap resides between that time period before 9 and now! The goal is to take the 8 year old and bring him back! and start over now; relieve ages 9-10-11, 12, 13, 14. Those years should have been good years for a boy; for me; it was abuse! enough to shut me down for the rest of my life! It was pure fear abuse from neglect and the many horrors that go with it! Its not all violent stuff! It can be threatening, bulling, dejection, and some forms of violence! My point is; you can be thrown away into nothing when your 2 young; your future gone, your dreams gone, your hope gone. What ever happened to you; no one will ever care again! and they hope to never see you ever again! they could care less! I doesn't do any good to live with people who hate you! unless you know whats going on and don't except anything from them! The problem I had; I had no idea I was going to be thrown away! I had no idea who or what I was living with! I watched Television to gain my understanding of life as a boy! I thought the real world was like the television world! I thought the houses in the neighborhoods on TV were real and represented the neighborhoods I lived in! As a small child, I visited some of those homes and it appeared I was right! What I didn't know! I was not aware of adult things when I was 6 years old! I got to sit back and watch things and stay off to the side lines! I made the mistake of later believing the things I saw as a boy represented what was actually going on in some of those homes! Later when I went to visit those homes and the people in them; I was not accepted! I was shunned by all of them; later; after abuse starts; this round of a more deadly level of neglect.
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The point is; Im back or coming back! This time, Im not interested in the people I grew up with! All those doors were slammed; this had a horrible effect on me! these were all rich people or well to do or high education level people! This had a strange effect on me; on my identity; who was I, if all the rich people slammed their doors in my face! did must mean Im not one of them, so, I must be a drifter then! Someone of no value in society; so I played that part since I had no other part to play; I had been rejected from the successful people! so, who was I!
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I was being rejected by the successful people because I started getting abused and thrown away, or I started recognizing it! As soon as anyone from the neighborhoods could sense it; it was over before it started; word travels fast; I was deemed as no good! I think this started when I was in the 6th or 8 grade or 7th grade! Not sure! none of these filth even approached me to help me; this included teachers! They all let you die! their all from the middle class! no one cared; in fact, they start abusing you through relational aggression by destroying your name and making you look bad; they try to create a false identity for you; they compartmentalize you as a person below them as quietly as possible; this keeps the blame down; for it is their social and cultural group and living style or way of life that is causing this abuse in others! In other words; their neighborhoods are destroying children, and because they are part of that middle class social group, they indirectly are looking bad when someone from their group is abusing and throwing away children! For they allow children to die so they can live as they wish! Instead of taking responsibility for this or responding to it; they turn the story inside out! They immediately claim an abused child is a bad child who is a trouble maker toward their group, who is causing trouble for them and deserves everything they get! They claim its the child's character that is in question; The child is a bad child! In reality, their own group, people in their own neighborhoods, people they look up to or live by or live by their false standards is murdering off children in one form or another! Instead of exposing the destroyers or criminals of abuse children; they turn on the children and protect the neighborhood from looking socially bad! And they will protect those neighborhoods so they appear pristine; They will protect those neighborhoods at the expense of a Childs life! A child may die so they can live as they wish; pure evil! I saw this with my own eyes, several times, to several children destroyed including myself! I saw kids that after being neglected or purposely mis understood! The child walked outside in from the house in the middle of a middle class or upper middle class neighborhood, put a shot gun in his mouth and out in the open in pure day light; blew his head off! And what was the result of it! Within 2 days, the incident was completely buried as and shoved under the rug as if it had never happened! and the teenager; its as if he had never been born and you would never hear of him again!
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I had a cousin that was driven to fail her whole life and she finally killed herself in one form or another! I knew her parents! or family system; animals! savages; but they had money and looked good on the outside; evil! She was an Indian girl and they destroyed her; dismantled her personality, one day at a time; demoralizing her and telling her she was no good and they were sorry she ever showed on at their ranch! and on and on it went until she was completely destroyed! She told me all of what they were doing to her; how they had treated her! she told me this a few years before she died!
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I had a friend down the street; I knew him when I was 6 years old! later, they found him as a young man overdosed! His parents kept trying to force him into their family business and would not accept him as he was; his own identity, they tried to erase it and erase him! he killed himself!
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I saw several kids ruined; including my brothers; but thats a whole other situation and more extreme! I saw kids start out in lives; later, they became pathological performers! These are productive people who will be successful financially with little to know conscious! I saw kids I was trying to get close to; I thought they were nice kids! I was being lied to; They were cons; cunning, liars, upper middle class 2 faced opportunists! And these are kids 5 or 6 years old! The traits are being instilled in them! I had false friends at the age of 5 or 6 that were never my friends; I was being lied to the whole time because their parents had an agenda to have me around! The kid I was associating with was using me and knew it! His parents or their parents put them up to it! They used me and got rid of me! Im an eye witness to this stuff and this stuff was done on me because I was the victim of it! in the end I was used and thrown away! I never had an idea it was happened when it was happening! Now, things are different! Now I know! Teachers and principles at schools did the same thing to me! didn't care who i was; didn't take any time to find out why I was or wants doing well in school! didn't care! at one point, they put me in a retard class! unbelievable! Im a brilliant person! The whole thing ridiculous and abusive in itself! All of it a shame against anyone that wasn't middle or upper middle class!
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The story of Jesus Christ; being shoved out the doors and rejected at his birth and at other times by the rich or well to do or middle classes! And finally, its the middle classes, upper middle classes and rich that crucify him! Same thing happened to me and has happened to others! Possibly Jesus was trying to warn us not to end up like he did; on a Cross being destroyed onto death!
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Problem;
One major problem I had! I compared the love within the bible; what I read in the bible, I compared what I read in the bible and saw on Tv to the outside world. ; I thought this was actually going on in the community; all this nice TV sitcom Bible people stuff! In reality, it was the opposite! TV and the bible did not reflect the communities I lived in or the church people or towns people; nothing! I ended up being destroyed and having all doors shut by these filth! and Im a decent respectable person! Im nice person; just like Jesus Christ was a nice person! we both ended up on the same cross! And we were both put their the same way by the same type of people. Nothing has changed!
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ITs possible that allot of people understood not to trust these white middle class communities, but because I lived in one; I was, 2 young and 2 close to it all to understand a thing of what they really were. In todays world, Im not so sure anyone ever liked or trusted these kinds of people! its possible that many people hated these people in these communities and never trusted them; knowing they were just upper middle class murders! That they were the ones responsible for the poor and prejudice!
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I while back; I tried to go off verbally on a rich well-to-do women; I learned my lesson! I realized; altho, she was not the one directly that hurt me or her neighborhood; or her time period! However, She was the same as those that hurt me when young; nothing had changed accept smart people like me know better then to push those people! they are rich and have the police on their side; the judicial system! Better to find trauma people of the psychiatric class and talk to them; they are my people! long term PTSD people are the ones that understand me! and it is those to lodge my complaints! Don't take my anger over to the enemy; Ill get crucified again; like chicken thats been barbecued; got to live to fight another day!
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A gap resides between that time period and now! And the more I understand what happened then; the the coast has been cleared for me to be my real self now and go into new directions without the past!
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Im working on the past! I have to work through time periods of 0-6 or 5 years old or 7 years old!
I mentioned a friend I had at 5 years old; he was rich! In reality, he had never been a friend of mine!
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The goal is to go back to 3 1/2; that is the beginning of my memories and go from their! It starts with; within 2 years I will meet this friend of mine; that turns out to be using me according to his families purposes! He knows what he's doing in the sense; he's manipulating me as an upper middle class opportunist! what does this mean; How can I say such things about a 5 year old! His parents have instilled in him; their ways! And innocently he is acting them out; altho; what they did to him by brainwashing him this way; this is pure child abuse! They are sociopaths; rich ones; his parents! He " this little child" is not what he appears to be; he was not what he appeared to be to me, when I was 5 years old! He was lying to me! He was not my friend nor ever wanted to be my friend! I was being exploited through him by his parents! His parents had use for me; They wanted me around their son so he could get socialized! They did not care about me; they knew I wasn't staying! I would be used by them long enough get this kid past his first couple of years of school and then suddenly start weeding me off! meaning, slowly moving away from me; or sending out singles to stop associating with them! I was not wanted in the first place! At 5 years old; I did not know this! They knew this; their son knew this! and evidence shows this from that time period!
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My goal is to see this little kid for the exploiter he was and stay away from him; meaning, in my imagination, I go back in time with and Im sitting in the back of the class; and he in front! and I look at him in front of the class and I think " he would be a good friend, Ill visit him"! Biggest mistake of my young life or my life in general! This time, as God is with me; I will sit in the back of that class and see in front of me; not a kid but a devil in the disguise of a child! And this is the truth! and because of this! I must see myself with God directing and leading me; I must be lead away from that person! I see him in front of me at the front of the class; and I stop myself and I look up at Jesus looking down at me and is next to me and he just looks at me and smiles and says; go to the next far rows and sit their and don't look up anymore! meaning, walk away from this kid that sits in the front of the class and take no more interest in him and forget you ever saw him or thought about him! and now, my history will change! I will move on to a better life but a more scary life as in my new view of my past, I have no one; no real friends! I have God and must learn to allow God to bring me the right people!
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so, Im learning that this kid is not what I thought he was going to turn out to be! This is also indicating dissociative separation from reality; a split between reality or what is in my mind vs what is in reality! Is seeing this as a problem from the beginning of my life! Im seeing it now, looking back! and Im really wondering! I watched TV and thought the outside was a big TV; This will go on for the rest of my life!
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The greatest sorrow I had concerning this kid and his family is not the kid or his behavior or his family! The most horrible part is; why didn't I see it! how could I have been so wrong or not seen it! and; if this kid and his family are so opposite of what i wanted them to be! Whey did it take so long for me to see this! What then, am I broken from! Well, most importantly, my mind is playing tricks on me! Im creating delusions in my mind of what or how I want things to be and cant seem to see what is going on in reality! Im taking a random group of people and making them into someone they are not; but its so bad, at such an alarming level that at some point, these 2 worlds collide; the world of reality and the world created in my brain! Im broken hearted because I keep seeing people and places and things in one way and they are turning out to be the opposite! and this has happened more then once; and finally, it will happen all the time as my mind reseeds into itself as trauma and shock and neglect and PTSD get worse and take over! My condition is doing this to me; creating realities that dont exist in the outside world, and I cant tell if Im in my head or in reality! I dont know!
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The only 2 real things I've had in my life; TV and adulthood!
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I notice from that time period, when Im 5 years old; Im acting delusional and making mistakes of reality! I can see this behavior in nursery school while working on puzzles! and I can see this behavior from before this when I was in the other town at 3 1/2 years old! I can see my mothers abuse; verbal abuse and pathological behavior; and i see myself hiding in closets and day dreaming and doing other things away from them! The only things I remember of that time is when I'm off by myself! Im off out in the yard or in a closet with light shadows coming through! Im alone and safe away from everyone! theirs just me! Now looking back; its so sad! I have no idea, but Im being destroyed at that time and neglected out of human existence and their will be no future in that family life or that time period or my future or dreams; everything will end; I will die as the world knows it from that family system! Later, I will be resurrected again by God to start a new life as if I had never been born!
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In my opinion according to my nervous system; the way it feels! someone did things to me; bad things when very young! I can feel the stress levels! And the psychologists told me my condition comes from what people did to me from ages 0 to 3! I have physical dissociations; my behavior that shows this all the time!

My whole life will become a delusional nightmare! A dissociative delusional nightmare of how I want reality that is in my head vs real reality! they are 2 different places! The problem is; I go up into my head for reality instead of out into the world to see reality!
The gap;
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A gap resides within me of what I want relative to where Im at! One interesting point! I was brought up in a false middle class life style! this means the psychopaths that brought me up had a nice house and lived in nice neighborhoods; but I was not brought up to achieve anything! I was dismantled and dis served! I was brought up purposely to do nothing more then be an ornament in the window; I was used and exploited! I was never really apart of the surroundings or brought up to succeed; I was more like a person being groomed to be in poverty with a misery based life! So, I never saw any middle class money or advantage when older; i simply when into poverty and broken person! its as if the first years of my life were some kind of a movie set where I was allowed to believe it was real; in reality, it was just a movie set; when the movie was over, everything was torn down and gone and I was left on the grassy lot that had been my home and the only world I had known; and no one would ever return! I would then; completely destroyed and in a state of panic and traumatic shock; have to make all my own decisions about my future! and how could this be possible for a 10 year old that had been neglected out of life! IT was all a barbarian life sentence against me; one that would leave me destroyed and unable to function round people and at best be homeless in some park for the rest of my short life! I ended up on social security destroyed and mentally ill; full mental illness; incapable of the most basic of interactions with anyone! completely gone mentally! Im lucky to have a second chance; but I still am sore from the past! I have to work through it and get over it and heal up as fast as possible! I want to heal up! come back into the present and move forward again with my dreams and my new life! However, middle ground years hurt when I look at them; and knowing, nothing was of value during any of that experience! nothing; I have to rip away from all things and move on! nothing was real!
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The gap;

Social gap; how I feel about myself! I see someone from the meetings who is not better then me; Im triggered from PTSD when I walk by them; they walk strait at me with no fear! I, in a state of panic; say high, sheepishly, and run to the side; they act like they are normal because they think they are important! and I will allow them to; I just keep walking! Its all about the past! its all about confrontation!
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I see women across the street walking; I get angry from rejection; she's rejecting me! and then I see it! I haven't interacted with that person; its all in the way she moves, in the way she moves forward! its triggering me; its triggering the past that has not been dealt with! In fact; its non relational! its all physical! its all about intimidation physical! its others that intimidated me, coming into my safety zone or space and getting away with it! I could not protect myself; all my space, all my life has been ripped away from me! and those I thought were my friends continued to do so! and they would continue to this day if they could get away with it! And of course they are no longer my friends; and obviously they never were!
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So, its physical and standing up for myself when people approach me! How do I deal with it; I have a head full of knowledge of thousands of interactions in the past I failed at! what do I do! Im always getting trampled or ran over by people in one way or the other! how do I stand up for myself or avoid them but keep my value and composure! Thats the ticket!
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I saw this college guy; he's been in school for about 10 years at the local university! He lives downstairs! The few times I walk by him, theirs a kind of superiority that comes off him; its a kind of; he has it together and I didn't! my personality has been butchered down to the level of no self worth or self esteem or growth! and he is working on a PHD I guess!~ I think! Im a bit less intimidated then before! but that was suppose to be me when I grew up! Now; Im slowly making my way back to that; but, without the people of the past or their support; and at first; this is not easy! for the growth I wanted would came from a loving family that loved me and supported me; thats what I assumed I would get; that meant everything to me; However, their was no such a place or group of people! They were not people; they were animals; demons! and I had nothing! nothing but trauma! I ended up getting treated like a slave in this society!
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The new slaves in white society are not other races; they are the broken trauma people! At least they used to be! The bleeding heart well-to-do'rs helping the poor disfigured! Ive been on both sides! When a person in a community is traumatized by that community and can no longer function; its because the community they lived in is actually worthless and corrupt! the people of that community turn that broken person into a slave;' making them at the lowest end of the totem pole! they are hated and treated like a slave! in fact they are looked down upon as a slave level! They are the new slaves! The white people and their way of life; they wont leave it alone!
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Iv been one of these slaves! They have no value to anyone in these communities nor are they cared to be seen again; and what did people like myself do wrong; nothing! Im a decent person who was taken advantage of; thats all that happened! I was then buried underfoot and gotten rid of! And now Im attempting to be in another community and come back to life with nothing from the past; Not even a memory; not easy! but its happening! Im slowly surfacing again! or wanting to! or allowing it! testing it! working with it! slowly moving upward!
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So, a gap resides between me and my new life; and at the beginning of that gap, a small river separating me from the present; I still live in the past, slowly looking at ways with Gods help to work out of it and come back to the present!
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The gap, working through the gap is the goal! its all an up hill battle! Im OK tho! Lots of hope!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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