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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1109)
- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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The future

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jan 20, 2016 9:41 am

What is the future; future events! Im now thinking about future events now! What are they!

I think about what Im going to dream about a few hours before I go to sleep!

What future events do I want! The Universe nows what I want and where it is! So, Im asking God and the Universe what I want and where they are!

What do I want! And I see a trail opening up! And through that trail it gets longer and steeper!, and at some point it gets better! And rockier and I end up in the vehicle of my choice; I put my mountain bike in the back and head up the hills to my house? I guess thats what I see!

Other stuff; the 12 step groups Im in; as I get better, they're getting rougher! Some of them are rough groups of people! I need to remember this; so, I play low key rolls to keep going! As soon as I start showing my real self; meaning, Ill get better; some of them see it as counseling! Meaning, Im using the place as concealing, and they get mad that Im not staying on subject of how to get off alcohol! I guess thats understandable! What I have to learn! Before I enter the room! I must remember; this is not kindergarden and no one is taking care of me in these places accept God! I must remember this!

The locals; Ive known people I grew up with in certain neighborhoods! IVe seen those people, and remembered them! They are now jerks to me! To the point that they Im nothing but a village idiot clown! Ive never seen anything like this before! Being treated like this! To be treated with this type of lack of respect! Im not sure what happened! However, I think I might now!

When young, I had to move in with my Grandmother! At her house, in her neighborhood was a new set of kids! And I became friends with them! But they were not good kids from a good neighborhood! But it was all I had! And some were good kids, but I meant nothing to them; no value!

Some of them I spent time with and we were friends! But not !;! Now when I saw one of them at the coffee shop! He treated me like I was an imbecile! Im not sure I understand! It hurt me deeply and shocked me! However, Ive been used by people before! So, what can I learn from this! One area Im looking at! Is it possible, that he was never safe to associate with in the first place! Considering the neighborhood! He might have been an idiot and I never knew it! Meaning, he was another scum back and I never knew it! He was not a nice kid like I thought he was! This is very possible! Im not friends with any of those people from that neighborhood! Not anymore!

It's sickening to walk up to someone and they spit in your face with contempt when you 10,000 miles might better then they will ever hope to be! Something went wrong, something is wrong! Many possibilities! However, in this area, this was not the first of this! In the original area I came from, I was blacked balled by the friends I thought I had! No one would talk to me, as if they had never met me! IT didn't work! Im getting the recovery I need! But I never would have thought any of this would happen!
ITs like the 12 step meetings I go to! Some meetings are not safe to start with! I must remember this! Im walking into a group of people that are not social safe and never ever were! Most people would not go into some of these meetings and share anything personal! I do, and it freaks out some people!; not all! I didn't care before, but it pisses of the social lites in the meetings; those that are building social status and trying to take over the meetings! Im getting caught up in this way to much! Their just meetings! I get used to being in these places and calling them home; they are not home!

I remember some friends when younger and calling them friends from home! They are not friends of mine now ! I mean nothing to them! Im looked at as a weird scumbag?! Its all for the better! The fact is; Im a real person, and they are not! I must stay away from them! They are not nice people!

How can this be?! But God is letting me know! They are of the world and not of God! They have no souls! Nothing associated with God! Arrogant; thats what they are!

Ive been dealing with arrogant creeps lately, and I must remember where Ive met them! Thats whats important! Its all very hard! I have to trust God and keep to the plan! And stay away from the other trouble makers!

Stay away from the women in these meetings! These 12 step meetings! IVe had about a zillion women like me from these meetings! Trouble! Find women outside of these places!

Ive been in someone meetings where the women are spoiled arrogant smart asses idiots! I want no part of it!

The problem with women; Im only seeing in my head, a specific kind of women; as if what Im looking for does not exist! Im not sure where ' my women" are! Im not sure! What group?!

Its possible that Im not looking in the right places, because I cant define those places! I see things as money! Middle class, upper middle class, lower street class! Who knows!

I don't see middle class people being interested in me because of lack of career and money! However, the women could find me interesting! But there is no money!

I think; Im not thinking! Im categorizing! In general; the idea is to attract the right women! So, what am I looking for in women! Thats what Im looking for!

This will be a new venture for me! IVe not been able to get close to women; physically close! But that is changing because Im getting closer to people naturally! My dissociative condition is lessening!

Im afraid in this town I grew up in; nothing! My name is dirt with a whole lot of people! And its all arrogant ignorance! None of it is true! Not even the best friends I grew up with are my friends anymore; I did nothing to them! Of course, they got rid of me years ago! But Im an honorable person! They are not! And that is part of the problem! The other problem is the sociopaths and psychopaths I had in this false family system! They ruined my name with many people! They do such things! Thats the way they operate! I had no idea this would happen! I would have never thought any of this would happen when a child! Nothing like this! Its all horrible!

I will get better and rely on God; where he wants me! Its ridiculous!


Other things;

The original family system! Its harder and harder to use this term; " family system"! This was not a family!

3 people were deeply against me when I was born! Hatred; deep sadistic demonic contempt and hatred! No remorse! No compassion! Just hatred! A pure form of hate! The other was my father! He protected me against the other three! However, he did not do this at a personal level; it just happened that way! My mother was not allowed to attack me when him in charge! But she would have done much worse then this if he wasn't involved! But I did not know this!

Im around these people! And do not have a clue, who or what Im around! Now as I see it with more clarity! I was not loved by anyone in this group! I was hated to the point of death or murder! A strange jealous hate! I don't know! Pathological hatred! I technically had brothers! They were not my friends! They hated me from the beginning or felt nothing and couldn't care less! Later it will be deep deep hatred!

My father is using the whole family system concept! He is exploiting the situation until he moves on to something else! He has no remorse or compassion! Nothing! And could careless about my survival! He's the type that will show up to an event your in and take credit for being the father; after he was completely absent from the seen and never helped or got involved! No conscious! Nothing!

I was protected! But my father could careless, it was not personal protection; it was a by product of the weird situation between these 2 sycophants! I was hated then on all sides! As soon as my father was not on the seen; it was over for me!

I never understood! Now I do! And this whole time I tried to flourish outside the home! I did not know anything was wrong! When I went home as a little boy! I thought I lived in a loving caring home with relatives and 2 brothers that I loved! Not so! Anything could have been further from the truth!

So, the whole idea is emancipation! And the beauty of forgiveness; and this is where it shines! You forgive all people and everything and everyone involved until you forget you ever met them! Its like backing out of a bad situation because your character was to good for it! Instead of being corrupted! You simply forgive everyone and go back to being a nice person again! You don't remember anything because you forgave everyone and everything over n over n over until they dislodged from you and your memories! If they don't owe you anything, why would you remember them! How can they owe you something if you forgave them the dept.!

Why would you forgive everyone! Because you don't want to see them again! You want to get the hill out of their in one piece! Count your losses and run and never come back! It and they are pure evil! And you don't want to remember! You forgive everything and go your own way! And thus is what Im doing! They can have their money and way of life! I get to keep my soul! This is extremely important because none of the other did!

Out of a whole community of people against me! None had their soul; it was always owned by Satan! Not mine! Lots of temptations! I never took it! I will give up the free money because, nothing is free! See!

Soon, I will be rid of them from my mind and nervous system!

Heres the point! They continue to have a hold on you through insanity! It is your insanity that continues to hold drudges against them and not forgive them and move on your way!

My way is the Universe and God helping me down my trail! I cant do this if my mind if filled with resentments from evil people! God has a plan for my future! It's not revenge! Its something much better!

Im trying to make a point! Through forgiveness; I win! I win against all of them! Its like surrendering to win! They won nothing if they cant harness my soul! But I get to leave and go away and never return! They are left with themselves! It is my soul they wanted all along! But they wont get it! I wont turn into one of them! I never have and never will! They can steal all they want from me! I stay with God and finally leave!

Why am I hanging on to them in the first place!

1. Denial; Im codependent! I was abandon young and need a parent!
2. Revenge and hate and contempt!
3. Money! Or land or things or what ever the temptation, also the temptation for family!

If I forgive all things, I wont need any of the above from any of them! I will get my needs met else where!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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