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moving forward in through the past. Learning how to express
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The Future

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Feb 19, 2017 6:02 pm

How do you create a future; what are you focusing on; that is my future! unfortunately, I focus on the epicenter of the small town I came from where I was so hurt and killed off! that is all I focus on!

At some point, I want to change focus! Im doing this with the help of success coaches; Im not paying for them generally; its all youtube and online clubs! its working!

The goal is to work through the horror of the past and have new goals!

Im a human being; its hard to let go of a family system that never was; its a huge nightmare! all of this! I cannot describe what this is like! nothing is real!

I have to keep working on my future; what do I want! work with my imagination and with visualization and with God!

When I was thrown away as a child; it was permanent! no one wanted to bring me up! I was able to have e a bit of free time believing I would have a life; this came from the game my father was playing! When he left, it was over for me on all fronts! I had no house and no where to go!

The goal is the future; Im all alone!

Women; Generally, Im not around the right people! Their is a gap!

The gap; the gap is being 8 years old inside and an adult on the outside! Im trying to deal with an adult world when Im 8 years old on the inside!

The 8 year old in me was traumatized and I have memories! and I must get those memories out! working with God!

The goal is the future! what do I want to do; what makes me happy! actually write it out! what would a great life look like if it was away form the world I came from!

No one like being ripped off! I was ripped off over n over n over in every direction; no one cared; no one was on my side! they are still my enemies! they will steal everything from me they can get their hands on! anything if I get close to them; I am treated less then a human being! they are sadistic animals! all of them! I had no idea! I did not know what they were! *mod edit*!

The goal is the future! writing out what I want to be!

The problem is; all my dreams were based on movies and TV shows and celebrity musicians! nothing was being created in the real world! I had nothing in the real world and did not know it! As a small child I waited to develop but no one showed up to develop me! I did not understand! now I understand! and I must get over it and move forward!

I have more resentment work! its not over yet! However, Im getting a clearer picture with Gods help! and I need to face more stuff to get over the past! its hard! I can do this!

I can do it;

The hardest part is not believing you can get over the past and move on! one is afraid of letting go of the past! Im like a small child and the past is the only family I have! If you get rid of the past I will die of insecurity!

I can move through this! Ive done enough work that I can see beyond this past of mine! but what lies in front of me! I have nothing!

The present; the goal is; what do I want to do in the present! work with God on this! get rid of the negative abusive faces that keep controlling my present! These faces and voices tell me Im no good and worthless and will always be stuck where I'm at! However, I will use visualization and writing to determine what I want to do in there present and work toward it! Trusting God !

I had allot of people that hated me; disposed me! I know why! I was not invited to the inner worlds of many people; yet I showed up in their lives! I was very young! because I was young, I was not pushed away! as I got older, the resentments built with these people and they families! they wanted me gone or away from them! they did not care what I did; they just wanted me gone! they wanted me gone from the beginning! I was not wanted in the community the way I thought! it was all a lie! these I associated with as friends where fair weather friends! they were middle class people that I associated with because I was from their neighborhood! However, in reality, I was from no ones neighborhood!

Where I came from is the enemy of man kind!

The goal is the future; to be free; have my thinking free on to the future! and not caring about the past or those from it!

If I need family, I create one! and of course, this is hard, because it seems the past wins against me! I must give this to God and let go!

If I needed or was to regain anything from the past; God would make it so! and no frequency has occurred!

I have this feeling that God is teaching me to work on myself and my future and learn that this is the most important thing to put my focus on! God will worry about the psst! all of it!

So; I must let go of the past! and not worry bout what has happened in it! The child in me; it hurts; it scares the innocent child in me! scary to let go of something I thought was real! it feels like its being taken away from me; what I loved! but the psychopaths knew this; thats why they created a false situation i would believe in; so they could pull it out from underneath me and watch me break and fall! *mod edit*

Unfortunately, I was in the middle of being destroyed through relational aggression! and other forms of aggression!

Im still alive and dont want to spend the rest of my short life on this stuff! their must be another way; that is why Im working with God on success based thinking ! Im working to become and expert on my future; knowing exactly what I want! working toward my goal!

One area of importance! I must understand that if I want a family; I must have a new one; not expect to go back to the old one!

I have a brother that I loved! but I dont! he does into exist! its all fake; he is a *mod edit* ! he was never anything else! so, again; my assessment was false! meaning, I found the investigation of him to be not a brother! just another *mod edit* using me and others!

The point; I have to get him out of my heart! for their is no real brother! and yet, this is another smashing blow to the child in me; as if this child has not been through enough!

I have to let go of this person and the hopes of calling him my family! their is no family! and this is a hard blow to deal with! horrible! traumatizing!

Im slowly working toward the idea of replacement for all things! if I want a family and real friends; replace! This means I let go of those I knew from the past and move on!

its horrible; Im mad that I knew any of the people I did! it was all fake! all of it! they were never my friends! and I had no family; no such thing existed! I was exploited young by a couple of psychopaths and then gotten rid of; and thats that!
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Tue Feb 21, 2017 7:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Reason: please do not diagnose as per forum rules; unhelpful remarks edited out about psychopaths

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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