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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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The fear of getting close

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jan 12, 2019 4:24 pm

Ive found that Im spending most of my time preparing to do things. I do A lot of writing and speaking at 12 step meetings; Im preparing myself for dealing with real people; strengthening myself for the outside world.
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Heres an example; Im ashamed because I have no money; In reality; Im ashamed because I came from a shamed based childhood. So; Im preparing myself around others; telling them what Im going to do when Im alone with people and its one on one; Im scared right now to be apart of one on one.
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Im like a 12 year old going to 13. I need a group of people; subordinates to help me. I dont need anything from them accept to be their; and to push me in the right direction when I attempt to chicken out.
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So; Im doing allot of writing on this site because Im not ready to have personal relationships to talk to them; I dont feel like Im good enough or match up; Im terrorized that Ill be judged on ever superficial situation; money, money, money, status portion; I have non; nothing!
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So; Im daunted and scared of what could happen if I get rejected by people because I have no money or didnt go to the right school. Im scared of being pushed under the rug or shunned!
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The problem is; their are good people in the world; I have to seek them out; work through the bad ones to get to the good ones; some effort is involved. Im scared to put out that effect; it might show that Im not serious. That Im just a talker and not taking any action to back up my words. Right now; the fear scare level is way beyond my courage level in this area. And Im most scared of " what if" What will I really get for all my trouble.
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Heres the reality; if I dont do anything and dont learn to go out and get what I want; I will never know. I will have nothing; and that motivates me more then just accepting hatred or revenge for society. By having a negative attitude; I gain nothing!
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I want success; ultimately; However, theirs a high price; and im learning about that high price right now.
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Its going to cost me; I have to face the terrorizing fears; thats what its going to cost me! That means getting vulnerable around others; thats what it means; I could get de moralized, dis respected, miss understood; hated, spit on; discarded and humiliated; I could could myself into situations where Im trampled under foot and torn to pieces.
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However, does not this define the problem; the contrast; it certainly defines what I dont want; and if I know what I dont want; I know what I do want.
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Answer; Sales; for now; I learn sales and confront people; learn to talk to them face to face; practice sales techniques. Tell people some personal things Im ashamed of; learn to turn it around in my favor. Learn to stand up in front of them and debate if I have to. Learn that Im not going to die regardless. The idea is; with enough experiences talking to people; Im going to work through the ones that dont count and get to the ones that represent my tribe.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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