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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (917)
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- June 2019
going to meetings; Yuk
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:55 am
social is coming back; but its slow and about thinking
   Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:00 am
intimacy 3
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 11:26 am
1966 and 50 years later; or 50 years to late?
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 4:29 am
Coping with what has happened to me in this life
   Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:43 am
Visualizations
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 9:27 pm
Talents and development
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:39 pm
Money and women
   Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:19 pm
women and shame
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 5:53 am
Music creating; blocked
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:46 am
Im getting very close
   Fri Jun 21, 2019 1:25 am
Its hard when you were never loved.
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 5:29 pm
Things are changing
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 6:08 am
Cant finish anything I start; cant get started
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 3:36 am
Social isolation; social uphill climb
   Thu Jun 20, 2019 2:25 am
Feeling better inside
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:28 pm
Money
   Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:38 am
An interest in the arts
   Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am
Social
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm
intimacy 2
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:02 pm
intimacy
   Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:51 am
Identity overwhelmed
   Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am
re changing the present
   Wed Jun 12, 2019 3:45 pm
Working out of it; the struggle continues
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:14 pm
A new segment of life
   Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:07 am
dealing with life from zero to 18
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 8:13 pm
Connecting to things in the real world
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 11:53 am
Things are changing
   Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am
I have to believe more
   Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:24 pm
liking myself and dating
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 8:46 pm
Dissociation
   Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:58 pm
Love
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:05 pm
Purpose
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 7:27 pm
Happiness
   Tue Jun 04, 2019 11:04 am
bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 8:03 pm
Bulling and meditation and connection and...
   Sun Jun 02, 2019 5:57 am
Childhood reconnection;
   Sat Jun 01, 2019 4:26 pm

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The fear of getting close

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jan 12, 2019 4:24 pm

Ive found that Im spending most of my time preparing to do things. I do A lot of writing and speaking at 12 step meetings; Im preparing myself for dealing with real people; strengthening myself for the outside world.
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Heres an example; Im ashamed because I have no money; In reality; Im ashamed because I came from a shamed based childhood. So; Im preparing myself around others; telling them what Im going to do when Im alone with people and its one on one; Im scared right now to be apart of one on one.
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Im like a 12 year old going to 13. I need a group of people; subordinates to help me. I dont need anything from them accept to be their; and to push me in the right direction when I attempt to chicken out.
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So; Im doing allot of writing on this site because Im not ready to have personal relationships to talk to them; I dont feel like Im good enough or match up; Im terrorized that Ill be judged on ever superficial situation; money, money, money, status portion; I have non; nothing!
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So; Im daunted and scared of what could happen if I get rejected by people because I have no money or didnt go to the right school. Im scared of being pushed under the rug or shunned!
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The problem is; their are good people in the world; I have to seek them out; work through the bad ones to get to the good ones; some effort is involved. Im scared to put out that effect; it might show that Im not serious. That Im just a talker and not taking any action to back up my words. Right now; the fear scare level is way beyond my courage level in this area. And Im most scared of " what if" What will I really get for all my trouble.
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Heres the reality; if I dont do anything and dont learn to go out and get what I want; I will never know. I will have nothing; and that motivates me more then just accepting hatred or revenge for society. By having a negative attitude; I gain nothing!
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I want success; ultimately; However, theirs a high price; and im learning about that high price right now.
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Its going to cost me; I have to face the terrorizing fears; thats what its going to cost me! That means getting vulnerable around others; thats what it means; I could get de moralized, dis respected, miss understood; hated, spit on; discarded and humiliated; I could could myself into situations where Im trampled under foot and torn to pieces.
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However, does not this define the problem; the contrast; it certainly defines what I dont want; and if I know what I dont want; I know what I do want.
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Answer; Sales; for now; I learn sales and confront people; learn to talk to them face to face; practice sales techniques. Tell people some personal things Im ashamed of; learn to turn it around in my favor. Learn to stand up in front of them and debate if I have to. Learn that Im not going to die regardless. The idea is; with enough experiences talking to people; Im going to work through the ones that dont count and get to the ones that represent my tribe.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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