This is a hard painful subject; Not one ive really delved into; way off the charts for my healing.
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The first house I lived in. My neighborhood as a boy; My entire childhood life and hopes and dreams; my friends; everything I loved about my neighborhood and school and small town and everything; The church and my future; all of it. And I was erased.
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Whats it like to be erased.
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One minute you have a nice house and a beautiful life and are free to roam and be and develop in peace. Suddenly; everything changes...
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I remember looking out the window of my house to the familiar front street that I had known all my life; I would assume I would live their all of my life I mean until I grow up. Never in this horrible life would I think I would be pulled out of my home... Never! unbelievable. Never...
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To suddenly be somewhere else; and to look outside and its not my familiar street and I will never see my familiar street ever again. To look out side at that moment and not recognize where Im at and to have no processing time to deal with the loss of my house and earlier life; To suddenly be pulled from my life; Kidnapped; same thing; and detoured and dumped somewhere. Never to have the original life or identity; nothing! all gone.
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To be forced to look outside and not see the familiar street is not possible. The change is so abrupt that my mind goes and is still in a state of numbed dumb trauma.. Dissociated; cant see these things up close; wont let me because its not home anymore. I just want to go home. not possible. So; today I turn to God and tell God.
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And lots of violence comes out of me at there core level because of being ripped away from my home and my life and my future; a whole identity built on that future. And suddenly like a puff of smoke; instantly its gone; vanished. and Im erased. I no longer belong to anything or anyone; and no one cares; and no one cares if I exist; nothing. My life is completely destroyed and beyond that... way beyond it. way way way beyond it. Completely; and no parents anymore; nothing. All gone within a flash second... instantly.
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Whats it like to look outside and not see my familiar street or the trees or the house across the street. Or a fiends house that lives down the street; The first person I ever met at age 4. What is it like. My mind cant handle the sharp edge of this. Impossible.
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My mind lives on that street now. Before this; I had complete amnesia and was not allowed to remember my childhood; my childhood and that personality was severed. no contact; nothing.
And I was never allowed to remember what It was like inside my childhood house because I could never go back their ever again; or to the back yard...
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Its painful right now as I wake up; its painful to look out my window and not see my backyard or the front yard because thats where my mind is right now. With allot of work I was able to remember again; I wont go into the unbelievable work that was required...
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But I remember but as I remember my house and who I am; its like remembering a sitcom on tv; I cant touch it. I dont live their anymore.
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So; the reality is; as much as I long for going home; and I dont as much as one would think; I do; but ive been through so much and a lot of rebuilding processes; The goal is to remember who I was or am in the beginning and start their. Thats the goal; but in the mean time; I remember what it was like to get up in the morning when I was young; run downstairs in my house; go outside and play or go out the front door into the front yard and look around in my neighborhood. And I didnt get to do that anymore; In fact its traumatizing just re experiencing it. I mean; its hitting me hard right now.
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I think the goal with God Is to get me to face this so I can grieve it and move on. I want to move on; because Im stuck in trauma Ville; trauma village and I dont like being kept down. The past is holding me down because Im afraid to face part of it.
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Im afraid to face the childhood I never grieved or got over because I could not yet; I havent grieved much of it. I havent grieved the later part of it where Im getting closer to it being destroyed; it scares me and the trauma involved is way over my head. At least Im talking about it.
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Later childhood was more development for my future; and that was stolen from me and the feelings of shear hatred and fear and remorse and loathing and all the feelings of violent anger and horror for my life being ripped away from me.
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So; Im in the middle of this; Im closer then I used to be; meaning; more able to handle the ground. Not so flighty over it. The goal would be acceptance. Like; Ok; I was at my house; Im fine; I got moved. Im back. I can walk down the same street; Im hurt; Im grieving but Ill be OK.
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Remember; this was a whole life with 10s of thousands of details and memories and experiences and hopes and dreams and stabilities; all wiped out; much like being in a war where ones country is wiped out and they have to leave. But for me; their was no place set up to leave. I was thrown away.
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So; the goal is to remember my childhood and keep working at it. One area is to collect those things of childhood I always wanted to have; the dreams and buy them; work on them; do them; until my childhood comes back to me now; and that is what Im doing. But this recovery process takes so Damn long.
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Off topic;
Women;
I remember a women when in my 20's. I wondering; when I was working as a banquet Waiter; I wonder if she was suppose to be my wife; She was sent to me. I cant see it now.
I remember a women who was sent to me in the meetings to be my wife; I can see it now.
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But because of my childhood grieving problems; not able to deal with it yet. The women sent to me from God; I cant get near them. Also; the childhood abuse from bullying and rape... sexual abuse.... I can feel the fear right now. I can feel it; its to overwhelming; And the loss of my earlier life where I will be taken into a horror shop and destroyed. and no one will ever miss me again or care if I was born. And here I am now.
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I would like to get over my fears; ( something I am ashamed of horribly); Be able to be an artist again; so hard to talk about.
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I pray for the right people so show up in my life; and God will show me who they are and bring them to me. So hard to write this right now; the abused child in me is trying to over ride me and shut me down right now...
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My goal is to become present again up on the edge; to be present and happy; I believe it can happen but an Alter right now is trying to take over and bury me.... its unbelievable.