Being mentally ill induced through mental breakdowns; severe and many of them and many at once; barricades a person from reality.
.
My breakdowns have kept me at the level of as non functi-airy position; a position of non functioning of executive abilities. I can do little in reality.. my mind goes to sleep or dissociative when dealing with reality; reality has causes so much damage to my survival abilities; they have been over ran... and destroyed.
.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
.
My brother was a solider in Iraq; the Iraqi war... He is a U.S soldier.
.
My brother died A week ago. I was found in a field; he had starved to death. He was homeless and with PTSD from War. His early home life was one of tragedy; where he was forgotten or thrown away or put to the side and not taken care of emotionally; he had no one he could bond with or trust; altho He was not completely aware of this. But; he could bond with me or trust me; but I was the little brother; and some how it never really rang a bell with him...
.
.
My brother had gone to the Er a month ago; they said he was starving to death... This; because he had more severe break downs which left him incapable of dealing with reality... Unfortunately he was living out of his car... He'd been doing it for a 1 year.. He would try to stay with others; couch surf... but he was running out of people and other people had to ask other people for him to stay with them. it would not last long; he'd be at one place for a few days and leave.
.
I finally caught up with him because I ask God for family to be brought back into my life and it was.. One day; I saw my brother at as 12 step meeting; He had procured a drinking problem after the war. before this; ever never drank...
.
I knew my brother and I would get to know each other again. And we sort of did. I know it was a God thing. I had asked for it.
.
My brother was homeless. I was living in state housing and it was covid 19; the beginning of it. For some reason; he had to leave his apartment. They were working on it and he had to leave. But he had no replacement.. Thats what he said. I had no place to live; but he seemed to not care; I mean; he was in survival mode and a dazed person... His life was or had been de compensating...
.
When I met him; I recognized allot of signs of no self worth or self esteem.. I recognized all of his problems that kept him from functioning in society or around people or in reality; He had been reduced to living in his Car and any Care someone would choose to hand out to him. More favors and not handouts; He didnt beg... He was much higher on the scale then that; or was he?
.
When I met him; it was a God thing to help me; not my brother. But in the end; I was helping him; Thus the beginning of executive functioning.
.
Executive functioning begin for me last year with a women I liked or liked me from my meetings.
.
At Christmas time 2019;
A new girl shows up at the meetings; she looks like a drown rat from the ocean; she tries to talk to me but Im in freeze mode every times she comes close to me. Finally after several months she gives up; I ignore her anyway; For some reason being around her is not helping my dissociative PTSD condition.. She is to overwhelming for me.
.
In June; I finally get the go ahead from God to talk to her; to open up and talk to many people; However, Ive had mental break downs and cant talk to anyone... Not really. not interact; to much memories of bad things happening when interacting with everything in reality; my mind is torn to pieces and the space between reality and my realm has been ripped apart; raped and ruptured to the point Im no longer home mentally.
.
I have to go ahead to talk to many people and this girl. and I do; a few times out on the steps of the church. The conversations go well with her for a short time; but their is stress; she spends to much time looking at other men; in fact; I may of interrupted her while being viewed by other men and her interest in them.
.
I want to say; I kind of feel in love with her early when she first arrived; this caught me off guard. I didnt expect that to happen... I guess the child in me liked her...
.
.
The beginning of executive functioning...
.
Executive functioning is; a form of behavior and thinking suggesting of higher self reasoning applicable to a higher more successful interaction with others in the world; something like that.
.
.
The girl from the meetings;
God told me to.....
So; I had permission to move upward in my social abilities; I could see myself talking to this women that liked me... I dont think I had done this before as an adult.. not like this. Id been waiting half my life for this type of thing to open up for me; to freely ask to interact with someone I actually might like. My closed down agoraphobic CPTSD based mind would not let anyone near me.
.
I had a few good conversations; short; with this women; But I did something extraordinary for that time.. I shook her hands and ask her to be my friend... I dont know if this was the smartest thing to do. But it was truly asking for a connection to the world I had thought impossible up to that point. So; my interactions with her were representing a greater goal of personal development. This is a God thing; and created by God. Heres the deal; its all created by God for me to get better. all of it; if I choose to move forward with it...
.
I ask the girl if she wanted to help me create a song; she didnt; but she didnt tell me that; I did this on purpose that she show she wanted to spend time with me; she didnt... I took that to God; The sign from God; this situation was over with at that point; What ever I was to learn; it was completed; and I went on my way... Another unfortunate situation occurred; I was at a campout with the hope of social development and safety. unfortunate I was put on a boat with 4 women and 3 other guys; I went into complete shock... the one girl sat by me; I went into complete shock and freeze mode; I was out of it for 3 days; PTSD. Way to much; didnt expect that to happen.
.
I saw the girl at events at the campout; still checking out other guys; she tried to say hello; I refused; I never really talked to her ever again. I continued to ignore her from that point on. and I did... She finally tried to say Hi one last time; but I refused to say anything to her... and that was the end of that acquaintance... later; a young man; a sociopath smooth talking tho; swept her off her feet; gave her the attention she was looking for. I would not; and I did not. he turned out to be a very bad person. Still is.. They went out for a while; several months.. I finally had to leave the meetings... I could not watch it any longer.
.
I came back to the meetings; saw her once; and left again. did not go to those night meetings until recently; about 3 1/2 months later; it didnt go well; same thing concerning this women. Ill keep working with God on it. But; the door is shut in most cases I think. Maybe not; its up to God; Id have to humble myself so much; I dont know if I can do it.. Maybe God can help me; I dont know; I dont feel safe at any level with the person; and Im not sure the person is capable of understanding that... So; I just leave; didnt mean to be mean; but; its like; Im out of here... It could be im scared.
.
Anyway; the first executive functioning has occurred through this girl. And I converted with her after asking her to the stair; thus Im starting to wake up from my condition... after 30 years; more probably; since I was 14; so; thats an added numerous years to it... But its happening and ive worked hard... The girl looks like a cover girl; physically extremely good looking; all the guys drool over her. you know.... the type....
.
So; Executive functions; I never trusted her after going out with that guy from the park; that put fear in my heart toward her; I wont get within 20 feet of her or talk to her or look at her. I hate being in the same room; she; they are not safe people. I have seen some strange signs the last time I saw her; a few days ago; I did see a mix set of signals; possibly suggesting she might like me. And isn't that nice; but who cares; I mean; I do; but her behavior is not safe... at all... to even be around. I fell in love with her... no problem; I can move on. With Gods help if thats what God wants; and theirs the problem. So; Ill have to work with God on all this stuff... Does this person play anymore roll in my life; Not really; but wait. A few days ago while in the rooms with her. I saw her; looked at her and was totally and completely in love with her; so; that does establish I am in love with her. And I mean; it was a clear signal from God? Yes; Yes it is was; Yes it is! Its from that place in my heart; What does it mean? Thats the problem... All of this is a kind of mystery for me.. to me; one I dont like. Ill be on my way; not going back to where she is... not for another 4 months; or what maybe never... probably not. But I can see that God was showing me I can love again continuously... I think thats what it means... I was not suppose to get near this person. Is this person suppose to know how I feel. or; am I suppose to go to her to practice telling someone for the first time that I really liked; how I feel... Im like; not this person; no thanks... wrong group of people. fear...
.
.
Executive functions;
.
On to my brother...
.
My brother was homeless. living in his car; mentally ill. Before this I saw him at times; but refused to associate with him. I didnt understand; he was mentally ill much like I was; but I didnt know it. I knew it; but he seemed functioning; but in reality; he was like me but without any knowledge of it. if I knew what I know now? Things would be different.
.
He was homeless and just like me when I was homeless but I didnt recognize it. I did but I didnt. I tried my best...
.
Executive functions; With my brother; will be the beginning of the creation of executive functions not performed or in my mind since childhood. Well; since college and a few years into it; I will de compensate and lose my mind in the college process more n more and it was already destroyed long before that... as I was being gotten rid of...
.
When dealing with my brother; executive functions...
.
Ive called out to God for a family; suddenly my brother shows up around me. Ive not gotten along with him for most of my adult life; he started weirding out back when I was a kid; after the psychopaths divorced; so; I stayed away from him because he would not do anything about his weirdness; not the good kind; the mentally unstable dysfunctional kind that puts alarm signals into people; he seemed to be pathological about it and about things... This stemming from early age... and being victimized.
.
When he came back to me; I began to get to know him with the intent of hanging around him; 2 brothers who needed each other... and we did for a while. He was out of it... he tried to fit in but it didnt really work in the groups I was in. He had strange behavior. And he acted like he didnt have to address it. What I didnt know is what was going on underneath; he was already destroyed and going under... He was homeless and staying at other peoples houses or in front of their houses. I would argue with him about things rile him up; Now I regret it; Now I know; now I know better.... He was in the throws of dying... His life was destroyed and his mental abilities were being ripped to pieces over n over over...
.
I took him into my home; apartment. I let him hang out and stay the night at times. After doing this for a few months... I got tired of it. I was afraid they would kick me out of my apartment. What I didnt realize was; he was homeless.. not just house hopping for a couch... He had no place to live.
And his personality was out of it... demoralized to the point of dissociation all the time. This was do to Military things as well.
.
Soon; I made a big error... He came to me later after he hadn't been around for a month and asked me if he could come in; I said no;' I cant do that. I felt put upon; because I thought he was using me and using others; but in reality; he was using no one; he was terrified; had no place to go... horrified; broken down and in the middle of one more mental brake down. He was just a little kid inside dying and terrified and thrown away in a world where no one had loved him and he had been thrown away all his life...
.
I did have the opportunity to tell him about his parents and what I actually thought happen; I did not know; he was in a dream world that he had a mother that loved him but did strange behaviors by leaving him. I made it clear what she was and what she had done and how she had planned it. My father abandoned him when young completely.
.
He was not aware that he was being used... that his parents had thrown him away for the fun of it... Thus; he trusted my mother the psychopath. He was a broken 12 year old inside.. and thus; fallowed and interacted with my mother all of his life; kind of living off her. She had money; she let him drive a car; but he was acting like her flying monkey... So she didnt mind. He thought she would take care of him; leaving him an inheritance; it never happened and he was not prepared for that; he actually thought he had a future with her... She was going to take care of him. didnt happen; he was like a 12 year old who thought he had a normal mother that loved him. he went into another break down from that. and when he ended up homeless; another break down from reality; and so on and so on...
By the time I knew him he was fairly well gone... mentally. it was hard to talk to him about anying. But I was able to tell him about success based thinking and the ability to start over; I told him about God and the importance of God. And I told him I loved him and he was my brother. I as on his side... And we could be partners and make it together....
.
So; I made it that fare...
.
However, after numerous months and he would not show up for recovery meetings; I began to wonder what was going on. was I being used by this person. NO; but I didnt know what was going on.
.
he finally needed a place to stay again; and came to me but he would not ask me directly; he would kind of shmooz- his way into it. But in reality; that was broken self esteem; nothing more; so demoralized nothing left of him; I know; Ive been their; I Know...
.
I did not know what was really going on. He was being dismantled mentally one step at a time into fear and horror...
.
Looking back; I would have grabbed him; put him in my apartment; kept him their for a year and made it a commitment to do everything I could to get him housing and safty off the streets because I loved him; he was my brother.... in fact; thats the only sane thing a decent person would do; they would do no less unless one is crazy and cant function to help someone else that cant function. Unfortunately thats what the situation looked like.
.
executive functions;
.
This was the first time I have ever talked to someone like this since being a kid; talked to them in a helpful understanding way... In a way I called; the use of executive functioning...
.
Executive functioning is what a case manager does; pleads someone case; works for getting them housing and money or food or.... gets them off the streets; gets them decent safe place to live; works in their corner as their champ... stays with them.. is their support; friend... This type of ability is not what homeless people possess; I mean mentally ill people... I know; I am one of them... Trauma knocks this out of a person; turns them into a 6 year old.
.
So; with my big brother; Im showing the first signs of executive functioning on a regular basis. Im working with my brother trying to help him see things in different ways; telling him about God telling him about success based information... telling him its possible to start over... letting him know I am on his side..
.
I did make a mistake when he came back to me later because He wanted to come inside; I said no. But we drove around for a something and then he said he had to go because their was another place he had to be; he had a phone call.. I did not know I just rejected him. And after telling him we were brothers and I loved him a few months ago; but that was the best I could do; I had to protect myself. My housing would have been in jeopardy. but thats no excuse; but being mentally ill is. Ands because of that I could not have someone over all the time; I was not function either; but I was not aware of what was going on.
.
I did not see my brother for about month. He was not at the meetings anymore. I called him; he answered; we talked more about our mother and father and what they really were. He kept trying to keep the old narrative about them but it wasnt working.
.
Later; I called him about three weeks; but no answer. a week later a women came to my door telling me my brother was in the ER; they told him he was starving to death because he hadn't eaten. I tried calling; but no further. I knew their was a problem; But; knowing my brother; he had other outlets and friends and places to go; But in reality; he had nothing; and no one; he was all alone.
.
I tried calling again a few weeks later. thats when a women came to my door and told me they found him in a field dead.. He has starved to death... He left some not paper and scribbled some insanities on it that the food was poison and Aliens or something. I wrote this right before he died..
.
.
I loved my brother with all my heart. He Did go to the VA; but did not tell them everything so he never received the help he needed. And he was in denial about his life and history.
.
I was homeless for a year so I know what he was going through; with all of the realities slamming down on him; He didnt have a chance; he died in homelessness alone starving to death and from PTSD..
---------------------------------------------
.
Ive learned allot about this; First
1. I was with God the whole time and before and after in deep dependency on God; have been for a long time; so; I was always with God while interacting with my brother... talking him; working with him; with God.
.
2. I told my brother I loved him; he was my brother and I was on his side...
.
3/. I told him about the recovery process and about my relationship with God. And about success based thinking stuff I work on that can help me get back on my feet.
.
4. I told him about the Va; or asked him about the VA and getting help. im not sure I mentioned about getting help through the state...
.
5. I told him the truth about his parents and the reality of things.
.
6. I told him Id work with him
.
I may have told him other stuff...
.
The point is; I told him and this is before he died so; someone did love him enough to at least get things started.
.
Was it enough; Yes/No! I was right with God and that is very O so important. It wasnt perfect and Im not perfect.
.
With more advanced executive functions I could have hung in their longer with him and gotten outside help for him myself in the community; but My God Im a client not the Doctor; I would have taken me years to discover all this...... So; I admit the need for higher level executive functioning if one is going to really make a commitment for someone else. and making a commitment for someone else is a higher level function. So; I was not at those levels; I was just getting started experiencing some of them for the first time.
.
So; and working with God on all this stuff daily... and about my brother to God daily... for a long while still......
.
I grieve a little... I grieved about him when I was young and never saw to much of him ever again and I grieved because he was not home mentally and I didnt want him around when younger..
.
So; I have a clearer view of sanity now.... but its not all about me; its about my brother... Ill cope and deal with it...