Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1029)
Archives
- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

The childhood overcoming; success at sime point; not sure when

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 28, 2019 5:51 pm

The model of how Im working through this; the childhood taken from me; meaning internally being cut off from self; from about the age of 10; completely beheaded psychologically to the point that the childhood personalty vanished completely; the model of how Im working through this is the subject of the blog. Altho I write obscure; secondary awareness flash from the key principles; splashing out insights upon the viewers mind.
.


The only remains occurred after numerous years of work on D.I.D. and general dissociative disorder. I found my childhood looked like a movie real from a Thomas Edison viewing machine in the late 1800d's. You stand over it; look into it and you see a tape run by that looks like a crude movie; after a few minutes it stops; and thats that; and thats what my childhood looked like; Like was in a plane looking down at the earth and I could faintly spot this tape going by; a real. a movie real; and on it was shadows of a distant life; my childhood; and then the real run out and everything went black; it ran out at about when the child turned 10; and then the real ended and all was silent; and that was the end of that person; that personality... And it was sad; for it was the end of me; and that was that; a brutal cruel ending of a magical existence. No more person.

.
The child disintegrated and was reemerged into the Core of self; the energy print or blue print or however, the universe stores it in the dead center of the nova within the middle; the sun; for in each person; in the center is a sun... and it shines outwards.
.
The universe is rearranging my mind because it become a backwards brain. Imagine the organs of the body all misaligned and misplaced from being in a car wreck; everything pushed up inside other areas made for other organs; a complete catastrophe. Well; the universe is straitening out my mind the way a Doctor straitens out a patrons body after a car wreck...
.
The universe has come to my rescue; why? because Ive created plans that require my mental health to be sane; Ive thought about those plans, yelled about those plans; screamed over them; grieved over them; gotten violent over them; weeped and wailed over them; put out massive long term torturous effort for them; The universe has had no choice but to rescue those desires and turn those thoughts to things; and that is the process working as I write.
.
The universe has gone back deeply into my childhood that was completely blocked off to me; the universe; like a giant clear water worm; has snuck through the doors of a time lock; back into the house of my childhood and looked around with me riding on its back. It looked through the hallways and the closets and the bathing rooms and living rooms and basements where all the Beatles albums lay; and the dinning room and stair cases; everywhere; and explored everything; and began to open it up to me slowly. And soon I was invited by the little boy who lived their; I was invited to visit.. And slowly the little boy trusted the big clear water worm; and wanted it to come back and visit. And it did. Soon this child was walking up to the edge of its time period and viewing through the portal; and who was he looking at; he was looking at me as I was looking at him; separated only by a window; for he wanted to see the person that he was slowly believing might be trust worthy this time. He had never believed I existed; he had never seen me before; he thought I was a dream... from a dream; but not real...
.
At this point; within me it's a whirlwind of change; energy and electricity are flying everywhere; it's alive again; the neighborhood and house and the movement of this Childs interests; he is alive again. And soon he will grow and grow Into himself with in this house as he should have, not being scared of his mother; not anymore.

He will grow in this house in a way he never got a chance too. Soon he will grow up out of that house; He will become one with himself and simply walk out from that house being in the present and will come and join me. He's been with me more n more; for we are one and the same body; we are one and the same.
.
Im learning techniques to hide from my mother; Im learning them now; at some point this child will be thrown a curve ball; being told; while playing on a race set under the pool table; his mother will walk in and tell him she's selling the house then walk out. of course this boy will go into a horrible panic and PTSD will set in; for he has no one; and his mother knows this; his back is against the wall and he has no way out; his whole life is about to be sold down the river and he knows it... He's only in 5th grade.. I know have techniques for rescuing this child within my imagination re changing or re framing the past. I will have a second version of myself start tunneling from across the street; a tunnel right Ito the house; and then a duplicate child of me will show up in the tunnel telling the original me to follow him into the tunnel; once on the other side of the street; I will; as a boy; start tunneling away; all through the city; until Im 15 miles away; and I tunnel up into a new house and a private room; and I will hide their. And when Im safely hidden; then my mother will come out and tell me she is selling the house and selling my life. And at that point; I will not be in the house as she is saying it; it will be empty; I would have disappeared and her nuclear blast like attack; atomic attack upon me; will not be heard; and that explosion will die out and be of no avail. For its purpose was like a nuclear bomb; it was meant to destroy me; It had nothing to do with moving; My mother was like what Jeffry Dahmer did to his victims; to poison and destroy their brains turning them into mindless thoughtless emotionless drones and mindless bodies that a psychopath can manipulate.
.
.
My mother has control over me in all aspects; its horrible and it's real and it's causing me to stop; Im to scared to take chances; to move forward; I see her; it's fare beyond hate that she feels toward me; it's contempt; a sociopathic psychopathic contempt. I can't describe the sadness and anger or rage mixed; for I was a small child having to deal with this; The deep fear that my mother didn't like me; its the deepest of fears of an innocent child. and it controls me; I don't want to admit that I loved my mother or wanted her love; it was impossible to admit this because this is a monster; and decent respectable people won't go that fare; No one in their right mind gives credit to monsters; decent people will bury this. But I now can see the grief and fear of me as a child; ITs the worst form of burden put down on a child. I can't describe it. I made me want to hide or find something else in life from the beginning. I was never loved and never accepted and never able to give or receive. And thus; at a later child age; I was ripped too pieces; beheaded and thrown away.
.
So; now; I see my mother standing in front of anything I want to do; she is intimidating me like a bully or an electric fence; if I go beyond her control I get abandon; I have to do the work to work through this and her to the next level of courage beyond her. Im being limited on all fronts by my mothers influence in front of me; limiting me to the ground of my worth; brainwashed into believing I was inferior to her; but it's worse than that; The psychopath see human beings as experimental dummy machines. Like crash test dummies; Things to destroy or put through in-human tests for the fun of it; A psychopath is the type that would replace crash test dummies in a car heading for a wall; the psychopath would exchange children they've captured in the place of the crash test dummies. Lock them in the car so they could not get out; and then watched as the car was sent into the wall; killing all the children; smashing them to pieces. murdering them; and there it is. That is a good example of all the psychopath is thinking about all the time.
.
Im describing what it was really like as a small small boy; the effects it had on me and still does.
.
The most important issue Im describing is the block from fear used against me my whole young life. always going to my mother; never knowing what she was; and countering the rejection from her and not understanding that it would never stop; not in this life. What do I do; Where to I go for help; How do I become a functioning human being; I had no one but my dreams that I hoped would manifest as an older child; but that never happened I was destroyed out of my living situation and my life by the 5th grade. and those psychopaths knew what they were doing and the timing to destroy young children as myself.
.
.
What is the present goal; to get out of my mothers spell of intimidation; its a horrible horrible de humanization humiliation to work through this; meaning Im in fear of my mother; losing her love; love that never existed; and one has to point to the fact this is a psychopath at the same. But Im willing to explore it; get beyond it and let the universe bring back the people Im suppose to meet and be around and re grow through the years I never grew. Im getting much closer.
.
.
So; the next goal is taking an inventory of my mothers control over my entire adult life; right now;How she controls me now; and getting rid of it; busting through it. And that hurts and it's scary and humiliating; Im like a little kid that has to face a tall giant. Scary as hell.
.
The idea is or was; the small child in me got dist- by my mother and thus would wait until a time I could redeem myself with others when I got older; I would wait it out; and I would stay silent with my feelings until I could find those worthy enough for my feelings; unfortunately the psychopaths would throw me away at that specific age I would have gone looking for a new group of people to let my feelings out; and the psychopath knew this; knew what they were doing when I was abandon; for I was not the first child they abandon; I was the third they attempted to break. They wanted to turn us into mindless drones; much like what Jeffry Dahmer did to his victims... Same thing; nothing new under the sun. psychopaths are similar creatures....
.
So; the work is; face up to my real feelings concerning my mother; the fear and fear of losing her or never being able to love her; to receive love or give love.. And the giving part is what destroyed me; because I never trusted giving love to anyone ever again.
.
I don't know how Im going to work through trusting to give love again; I don't want to end up giving love to a psychopath again; nothing scares me more....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 743 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], fidelio520, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, IainEtc, MSN [Bot], NPDwidow, starkrj01, TeddyBear the helper, TheCollective, ThorneInMySide, Tyler