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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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The changes are occurring on verge of getting old.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jan 21, 2020 6:39 pm

Im 57 years old. I feel OK! I feel fine. Im OK.
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I started writing here on this site in 2011. I love blog writing; I don't care all that much for; as much for writing comments to others posts; I don't mind it; but on this site I center mainly on blogs... its how I get my feelings out. I need company; not to be alone. I love expressing myself in a busy thoroughfare; I like allot of people around me; but to have my personal power not to be bugged by anyone at the same time; anonymity.
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I was thrown away young because he psychopaths; dumped from the the house I lived in first; dumped by the family I came from. dumped by psychopaths. As soon as they could get away with it; I was destroyed.... They did not want me to be superior; they wanted to be in positions of superiority; and could not stand that I wanted my own life; they were not going to allow that so I was destroyed. Later when I had to live with them again; my position was turned. When little I had a father at home; so no psychopath could get away with hurting me In general; they still tried. And they kept it up my whole life until I was sold down the river at age 9 or then completely at age 10. And that hurts to talk about; that moment I was given away or gotten rid of from my house and way of life; It was like being sucked up into a vacuum cleaner never to be seen again; and then the vacuum cleaner taken to the dump; and I have no idea where Im going or why....
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Things are changing for me; I read about the process of change; its about a 7 step process; Im between 5-7 of the steps. Im now making real changes Ive created and Ive moved forward; and thats the key. ITs real change in the face of those of my PTSD past that sill control the inside of me. Ive busted a hole through and Im now taking the chance to explore it.
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I have PTSD flash backs and 2 sets of childhood memories; meaning; I was kidnapped to a new location; thats how I see it; and had a new set of memories from that place to add on or take the place of my original goals I would have experienced at that time...
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Im working through the hole.... I seem to be holding my own. On the other side of the hole is what ever I chose it to be; to work at and make happen. To do this; I have to learn how to work for what I want and to have the self esteem. Having self esteem is a hard thing but possible.
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TO work at something means Im in charge regardless; not someone else. I dont want anyone in charge of my life accept me.
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Ive practiced and followed the book; Think and grow Rich; Napoleon Hill. It's required to read the thing 10 times before I actually get the deeper meanings; some read it 20 times or more; or for ever. Ive read it about 8 times... and I have a few more times to allow it to sink in more. From their; Abraham Hicks success based thinking work. Youtube; And from there; various online LOA coaches.
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This is what Im finding; Im still mentally ill; Still have long term CPTSD problems.
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Things are working out; Sexual abuse is something else; that time period were someone gets to put their hands on me without my permission; that causes internal hey-wiring and confusion. and all the other problems; like wanting to blow up the world...
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Sexual abuse is a problem; but I have another part developed in me.... And that part is working; its gaining... even tho I have history of being sexually abused; Im still making headway with he success stuff Im interested in; I've had to blow up walls and holes that were stopping me; and I still am.... And I continue to develop in this area.
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what does this mean; it means Im a damaged person that is heading toward a goal... whenI get their; I'm still damaged but satisfied.
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I attend 12 step meetings all the time; I would never attempt recovery alone.. never; or to have success. never.
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Attitude is everything and is he most sought after experience or skill and it requires all other skills to come to gather and then I ask the universe for the plans that will build a working attitude or an attitude of feeling grateful for the chance to learn how to work for what I want.
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Working for what I want. The kind of work Im talking about is spiritual and success based thinking work.
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Right now; Im working on changing my negative thoughts to positive thoughts. The goal is; write down all the negative thoughts associated with my goal; and then flip each one to the positive opposite side... And thats where Im at...
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The goal is to get my mind back across the street I was stolen to; get my mind back on where I came from; from that place before I was kidnapped... And I can do this by switching my thinking or thoughts purposely.
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When I think of where I was kidnapped; under it stands new thoughts that are bad of similar things in the similar area; as if my personality rebuilt itself into someone else with a different past or a new past; this is what the psychopath wants to happen.... to completely wipe me out as a human including my memories and identity; all of it erased; its a thrill for them.
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Its now up to me to teach my mind to go back to my original life and remember all of it and go from their. and then head into the things I original wanted to become when I grew up....
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After being destroyed; I could no think correctly or be apart of myself from the past. I had no permission from he abusers to think; It was all erased do to intimidation and thats all they did; stole; intimidated; raped and controlled. Nothing else... and try to hide act like everything was normal.... I was in a state of panic fear and explosion....
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So now; the goal is to do the things I like to do; what did I like to do; I loved to roam and go to my friends houses and have friends and go do stuff with them and come over to their houses and have fun doing stuff to gather...
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I loved music; playing it and wanting to perform it and be a performer; this was knocked out of me but not completely... in fact; it's still in me.
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For a long time I did not understand how I could be this free thinking performer and be what the rest of the world told me I was suppose to be; so; now; Im going to be both.
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I'll first be a clown in the circus you might say. meaning; I'll do things I like to do that make me happy and make others around me happy by my performances; and then when Im happy; I'll think about being a rocket scientist if thats what I want to do. I'll do both. I was to scared and intimidated to do anything after I was kidnapped...
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So; now; the goal is to; get my mind on what I was like before I was kidnapped; thats what I call it. be the memories of before; be the original me. Next; do the things I like to do; experience going after this and living this; because the journey was scared out of me and shunned out of me; it was something these bad people did not want me doing; they wanted full control over me; my thinking and the things I did; horrible....... terrifying. Terror...
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I have to work through he resentments of what I think others should do for me or should have done for me and instead made plans and let the universe bringing it to me.
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All of what Im writing about is to get through the negative of my past and learn to write up what I want and apply a positive set of affirmations to that thing I want and have it go pure positive; that is the work Im working toward and I can do this.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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