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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1029)
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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The change

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jun 16, 2017 11:25 am

In the recovery process; you are working toward one day; and that day has arrived for me! Many wont allow this day to occur! I don't blame them! for you want control of this day; you want to set this day up correctly; and you cant! and many know this and will sabotage their recovery so they can go back to being a beginner and never face this day; this day Im facing! So; what does this day look like!
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The day to wait for!
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At some point, in the recovery process one gets to a point that they work on the past and resentment work; after several years of work and several more years of settling in; a special awareness begins to show; the general people of the past did not know me! they did not value me; they did not see me; not one of them!
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Looking back; no one noticed me or cared about me from the beginning; nothing! What I thought was care; actually was selfishness on the other persons part! They were not thinking about me!
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So, looking back a troubled situations, I realize most of the people I was around didn't just disappoint me; they were creeps; that means, the people I loved did not love me; not one! what does this mean? This means I was either delusional in picking the friends I had or I was so young I did not know what I was doing when dealing with the human experience! In my case; both reasons exist!
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At some point, when strong enough and a strong enough relationship with God; source energy, Universal; I began to understand that I have been depending on all these people for help and love and direction and to receive admiration and a pat on the back! nothing wrong with this; nothing wrong with having a cheerleading squad just for me; just to receive love; great, give me more n more n more; the problem was; who brang them; did God or I! The problem; in shock, with enough evidence; God did not bring these people into my life; I did! Out of desperation to be seen and loved and cared for; I looked for others out of all loneliness and innocence; someone that would love me; what did I find; creeps hiding in nice clothing! The only reason most of these so called family or friends associated with me; to use me; then throw me away; and thats what they did; and in some cases; I was so young, I had no idea I was being used!
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Finally, I realize, I was never loved; only got what I thought I wanted from Television programs; had no parents or family or real friends! I was being used by people who cared nothing for me; more importantly, evidence shows all of those people to have such large forms of personalty deformation and sickness; they are little more then sycophants dressed in nice clothing; sure; they may have had nice jobs or in same cases, upper middle class; rich; However, their nuts; all of them! simply; they are not the answer to my problems no could they ever have been; regardless of how much I needed them to be!
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I come a background I thought the world around me would take care of me; in an innocent childlike view point; a wonderful view point! I got this view point from watching Television shows when a child; I thought the world around me was like the Television shows! I found out wrong! I thought my family was like the Television shows I watched! I never assumed I was wrong! I was!
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Now, as I wake up; I need! I need love, acceptance, I need to be notice, and taken care of! I need to have friends; I need to be someone! I need many things; I need everything! And I have no idea how to get any of it! Im in a dream world; a constant dream world! However, I've learned this and am strong enough for this; I wont get what I want from people! I want get it finding strangers and making them into friends or lovers or family that they are not; it didn't work! I tried to turn others into what I needed them to be; they never turned out to be what I wanted or needed; in fact; the results were deadly to my existence; they turned out to be very bad bad people; and I was destroyed many times! heartbroken demoralized and confused! bitter and broken apart! no one cared! However, I looked at the type of people I wanted to care; They were little more then sociopathic; non were human! My God; I was attracting monsters and trying to turn them into saints. Who has the problem?! the main problem; I needed love from the outside world in desperate amounts and measures!
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God, success, and a new path! I now realize Im on my own with Gods unfolding path for my life; whats left of it! Im not young anymore! I feel young; my body is slowly falling apart! totally natural! nothing wrong!
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I realize; God has a pathway for me! I must turn to God for this and receive it! allow it!
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With the Universe, I am receiving unfolding pathways to my destinations of Gods choice!
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The receiving mode
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So, in this new struggle, I work with God and the support systems he has emplaced for me to live a happy life; that is what it is all about; its not about pleasing others to survive; nor looking like others and being like others and living like others and driving like others and working at the same jobs as others; their is a place that is me, for me to flourish and have fun and be happy! I have to work with God, walk with God, and keep the door open on things! I don't shut the door on things because things are not going well; I keep the door open!
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Im learning to study success based process to gain what I want from this life; I dont need others from the past to show up and show me; not now! I dont chase after my psychopathic mother anymore!
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I have several different places I go for the recovery process!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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