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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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The beginning of chosen reality

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jul 23, 2019 9:41 pm

So it begins;
Im technically at the fore front edge of reality; not un reality; reality; a reality Im choosing to live in.
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When a kid; I assumed I would have help going from a child to a bigger reality; but it never happened; instead I was thrown away. So; cut off and undeveloped; I died away into a deeper comatose of catatonic dissociation.
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Now; as my mind slowly returns to me; Im now learning for the first time as an adult; how to plan out trips from one destination to another; to visualize these destinations. Im getting hit with massive flashbacks of all sorts; things Ive never seen before; before its actual event horizon from the past. Im getting hit with many things from specific time periods; Periods I was never allowed in...
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Can anyone relate to this? As I grow and go deeper; the flashbacks are from deeper more painful episodes in my life; the times of further dissociation; more clinical dangerous dissociation; real mind ripping terrible traumatic time periods; things that ripped me in 2; cleanly; like being beheaded psychologically.
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Grounded stories;
Im trying to make a big point here; Im starting to write grounded stories; and why is that; because Im serious about changing my life right now. But its taken years of work to get my brain back on the ground from a ruptured dissociative position. And writing stories has helped that process.
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Effort problems;

Effort is non existent in my life; in fact; I purposely went the other direction when young; after being bullied and thrown away. I was not giving anything to world anymore; not after I tried and tried and tried so hard to be a good person; no one cared and they slammed me over n over n over and took everything from me from the beginning; I refused to move after that; I was stuck in a box of defensevness. The problem is; in this life of defense; I learned no effecting ability toward what I wanted in life; I just wanted to die. I learned nothing with embarrassment; I am exposed of not knowing how to work for something; and it hurts; I have no character of strength working toward something; toward anything; and this has to change; I want it to change; it can change if I truly find things I want; things I want to do with my life and things I want.
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How do I change my beliefs about what I want... Im working on it and I know how. And this will take much work; Im lazy; I dont believe in anything; I want to believe. I really mean that; and I think its possible.
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Their was a time when I was a kid watching Star trek; and I saw an episode where Jim Kirk was on trial. And his friend was his lawyer; he was on Rigel 12. And I wanted to be a lawyer when I saw that; I saw myself as a lawyer
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So; I want to go back to a place where I see myself as something; and believe; just as I did when I was a child. And I think it can happen; its going to be hard work tho; and I mean that; Ive got strange dissociative blocks to work through that blind me to believing in anything; it can be done; we will see.
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But when young; I thought I had a mother and father that loved me; and I felt secure in my home and in my own world; And during that time period I believed in a great many things; unfortunately I had no one that loved me ever; it was all in my imagination; I was being exploited, lied to and fooled. So; now; I would like to get back to a place that I believe again.
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Ok; back with the show;
Im at the beginning of believing again; I see the grade school in my imagination; I can see certain moments of being at home when young; choice moments created by God; God is protecting me; I cant see it all because of the tremendous heart ache of what happened; and the reckless abandonment slammed down on my life; the genocide of my mind by these monsters. They had no regard for me as a citizen of my own country; Nothing. worthless filth. I was murdered.
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Ive mentioned about writing new stories for my life; Ive been doing this for 5 1/2 years; and very much more writing this last year.
I started out with stories of my new life; very generic and out to lunch; meaning; martian stuff. I was way out in outer space.
Now; my stories have brought me into inner space; right back to reality; and thats what I was hoping for.
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Ive wanted stories that got me back to reality. Reality is a sign of getting real things to show up in front of me.
Heres an example of un reality story;
" Im getting a soulmate; She has black hair and blue eyes. she is tall... she has beautiful eyes.... End of story...
where is the starting point; where is the ending point; In this story; the women is in my imagination; but I havent been able to imagine her in reality; in a place; a location; because its 2 hard on my ruptured brain. She could be from outer space as far as I know. As the years pass; the story gets more realistic and possible.
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Story; "Im imagining my Russian soulmate; she is taller 5;9 in heals. She has on a tight red dress and a slender figure. We are boating together. It is a blue sky outside". This story is a bit more realistic; its from planet earth; she sounds more like a women then picture; and we see her grounded in a boat on a lake with a blue sky. Still problems tho; we dont know when or why or how or where the boat is; or the time.
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And as I continue to write stories; over the months or a years time; it gets deeper and more realistic.
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The story;
"My Russian soulmate is coming from Russia; she is getting on a plane and landing in my local air port and will take a taxi from the air port and meet me in the local park on the picnic table Im writing this story on; she will show up in the middle of the day and walk up to me and say hello; I will say hello to her.
She has deep blue green eyes. and looks like a model with a beautiful white pearly smile and soft cranberry colored lips and she touches me with her hands and says " Ive been waiting to see you".
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In this story we still dont know when; her name. how she feels, her values or interests; she is still a mannequin. However, she starts out at the airport; lands in my airport; is taking transportation to my place of location at the park; and she is touching me and talking to me.

Ok; So; more stories continue to develop. And after several years of work; Here is a more modern story.
" I got up this morning, made coffee. I called a friend of mine in the home town I live in; and we had coffee; I told him what I was looking for in a women; that was 4 months ago; he got ahold of his sister that knew a Russian women she went to school with; she likes Star Trek like I do; loves science fiction art and loves telescope and classical music.. My friends sister called him back and told him to send a pic of me to this Russian women; I did; this Russian chick said; Ok and was willing to meet me. I met her at the coffee shop on Wednesday morning on April 4th 2019. I saw her enter the coffee shop; I stood up; I had lost weight and got in shape; got my hair cut; got a cool looking set of 60's intellectual San Fran style glasses. And shave the beard; nice clothing; my style. I saw her approach me; I glanced at her; and walked forward; peering at my hands; I watch my hand reach out to hers and I touch her hand; she had a soft hand with red pinkish fingernail polish. She was wearing some kind of calogn; A nasty girl type; something like a High shik bad girl thing you would get a walmart; but it worked nicely; it all fit; she was wearing stilittos and a blue dress with golden shaded neglace and matching ear rings; not over makeupted but a nuff to have that sexy look to go with her died blue hair; perfect. And in her arms; science fiction art she had created; I could not wait to meet her and talk with her. I smiled and said hello. I backed off and she took a seat; I then sat down across from her and asked her about her flight" Not bad but no dialog yet....
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So, in a few more stories we are sitting at coffee shops talking and talking and talking; So; notice how grounding these stories appear; We are sitting with each other; we are sitting in a local coffee shop; we are looking at each other; we are sharing feelings with each other; we are talking to each other; we are touching each other and so on.....
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In the next story; It starts to get reality based; The kind I was looking or; I wanted to develop.
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" Im going to the vacation spot of my childhood; Scoon Lake. Ive drawn it out in a map form; I have no car. It starts from my home town to Soon lake; up by the other state. Ive written it out as a road map; Ive been wanting to go since childhood. I can see myself at the old cabins. or the water. My Russian girl friend is picking me up in her car; She is hear now; out front; Ive got my things; Im running out to the car suv; toyota. I jumped in the passenger door. She smiled and is kissing me; I slammed the door and were off. Im watching the highway in front of me; one mile after the other; the music is on; and the blue carpet and apolstry looks good with the reflection of the shade from the windows on this sunny day. And we arive; and we are now walking around holding hands at the village area in Scoon Lake. She says to me; " Omnicell Im so glad we are together now for the last 4 months; I love you and care about what you feel and I want you to know I'm always here for you" Omnicel" I love you to sweetheart; Ive been dreaming about you for a very long time and I'm glad we are together because I know we have allot of stuff we think is cool together and Im so glad you came with me and drove the car".
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I have a need to come back to reality where Im at and start learning how to make plans in the here and now to achieve things right now in the real world.
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This last story is significant because Im expressing a desire to go to the lake of my childhood and I'm suggesting that I'm writing out picture maps from the destination to the ending. And Im writing out the highway trail from home town to scoon lake. IT forces my mind to come back to reality now today and write out on paper every inch of the miles and curves to this new location from where Im at right now. Why is this important; because Im doing it alone without anyone from the past and I'm having to force my imagination to confront a reality situation with real groundings and markers and real world topography... Its a real accomplishment Im seeking; Im wanting to go form one place to the other and I dont yet know how to do it...
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By having my girlfriend pick me up in her toyota; Im suggesting that I'm writing a story about transportation to scoon lake. and Im suggesting Im not going alone; Im going with an established girl friend that I had been writing stories about in my imagination; so it all ties in. In addition; wheres the money come from; so; I might write a story about finding the exact amount of money I need or winning it someone giving it to me or saving it; but I know how much it will cost and when I need it. And I'm not expecting it to come from anyone of the past; nor am I devastated that its not coming from someone of the past.

And Ill add conversation between myself and my Russian girlfriend while in the car at a later date...
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So; Im trying to convey a message in this blog; Its a sloppy blog; but most of my blogs are not perfectly written; I write them fast and move on to something else.
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Im trying to create a way of accomplishing something in the real world with my stories and tie in other real world interests; pulling everything into one story to builds and compliments each other and helps me out in the mean time.
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So; its a real beginning; Im now talking about how to map out a vacation spot in reality; instead of what happened to me in the past. its a whole different feel and direction of my focus.... its a good thing. ITs the start of working with real world objects and learning how to obtain them....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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