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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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The Beatles

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am

The Beatles were my generation. I was a little kid and it was the first music I ever heard; I was in nursery school and it was 1966 and Help just came out; and in nursery school; they were playing " ITs a hard days night" and all the earlier Beatles stuff; all the time on the radio; it was great...
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I loved the Beatles. I wanted to be Ringo star when I grew up; the drummer. and when I watched " Hard days night" movie; that was it; the the idea was sealed; Im going to be a Beatle. I loved them so much; with all my heart; also, the Monkeys. And I got my Beatles hair cut; and later wanted to have a big peace sign around my neck and I wanted to be a psychologist when I grew up. All of this before I was destroyed.
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I was going to be many things before I was destroyed.
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One reason I was creative and energetic about life; I was actually neglected and left alone; and I would watch TV on my own alone and could watch the Beatles on Ed Sulaven show and dream about some day meeting them in person or being like them when grew up.
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Never when I was real young; did I even comprehend my personality being totally raped and ruptured out of existence; my identity carved out and beheaded.
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The point is; I had a sharp identity and I knew what I wanted when I got older; I was extremely creative. In addition; I wanted to be a lawyer, a song writer, artist, actor, and mathematician astronomer, and anthologist.. And many more intellectual subjects of matter; Jazz musician and other things; classical pianist and composer.
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The point; I had a life; I had my own thoughts and dreams and a complete life developed; and it was vast within me; always dreaming about eventing in my future; and then it was over; it was genocide; mind genocide. in my case; complete genocide by the vampires I was suppose to be loved by...
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The point; Im in this new position in my life; its starting to happen; my original self is starting to accept my original self. And Im really appearing again... this is where true happiness lies; in the deeper recesses of self; in the end caps of the neural transmitter dendrites that feel their way through space n time; reaching; ever reaching for information and curiosity of the world around them; its an identity that seeks to express opinion of the world around it; this process creates happiness; this freedom.
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The problem; How does a bloke almost 57 years old wake up from 50 years ago; in a positive sense and become the Beatles; Im not sure; but Im getting back that freedom again; And Im having to work with the universe with this; because Im not sure what to do.
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Im Ok; Im grateful. Im scared. To be able to start bringing out the beginning life of independence that occurred over 5o years ago; is a strange and dangerous feeling thing. Its a wondrous thing; it truly is; I have to give myself permission to allow this to happen again; Im certainly scared that I could get destroyed again or damaged. but; it looks like the coast is clear; I don't see any enemy torpedoes heading my way...
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I was convinced that my identity was worthless and it died very quickly, all of it went beyond hiding; it went into dormant stage of complete analyzation; it was no more to be seen; it was gone and any memory raped out of me; Now; its reappearing on its own.
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My identity is appearing on its own; now; its not strong enough yet; its very young as it was when I was 4-9 years old; its full of life and creativity and ideas and most of the music and movies of the 1960's; the full era.... And with the idea that it will live out its fantasy life in the next area; starting in 1970.
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Im not sure where to go with it; its like a part of me waking up that does not know Im 57; this identity believes Im starting out where I left off; I mean; the first thing I did was put on the Beatles clips of the early 60's; the live music shows and remastered stuff and listened to it. I have this urge...
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In the 60's I listened to all their music and imagined what it would be like when I grew up into a teenager or older child or young teenager or in my yearly 20's. Well, that would be to fare for me to imagine when I was a kid. The point is; " I" was imagining; it was my life; no one else; I could imagine all that I wanted to; I could imagine everything I wanted to about everything. And then I was destroyed.
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The point; is; This part of me is coming out; and Im worried because of the stress of memories of what happened when my identity was out before; how it was beaten to a pulp and ripped stripped and strangled to death with no mercy; like getting hit by a great storm tearing it to pieces until it was no more. The point is; As it comes out; Im paranoid and I have no idea where to go with it.
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Ill explain;
When I was young; I would listen to a Beatles song and want to go into the woods and explore on an outing with friends when I go older. But in those days; I was a small kid; that means; when I got older; say; 1970; I wanted to be with chums my own age and explore caves and things or meet girls maybe; or play drums.. or have and adventure. So; I was dreaming at a very young age about what it would be like to be an older child or beginning teen; That was 50 years ago; How or what or what ever would I pull this off now. I haven't the siltiest idea. I know that being the real me makes me happy. and pain came when the real me was cut off from being myself; my full potential. Someone else was controlling my identity; taking away from it to keep me in control; smashing it and ripping it to pieces to they could destroy it and control it; like a dog.
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So; now; in bran new living situations Im suppose to know what to do with these ideas of my original identity; Im not sure; but Im not shutting out what I love; and I love the Beatles; but what do I do with them or this....
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When I grew up; I wanted to be like the Beatles and thought I would see the Beatles in concert.
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I had many ideas of what I wanted for my life when young. And now my identity appears; and thats great; actually; I cant wait to be an intellectual again; it all died for me; everything;; all went into CPTSD and dissociation.

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What do I mean; an intellectual; it means; my focus is on intellectuality; the books, the art, the music; the acting... the anthropology; hanging with others that want to talk art talk and psychology of things; it means I openly choose to think about the real things I like; intellectual things and pic the people that are like me to hang out with and no one else... the freedom of this is fantastic. really!
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To be happy; I have to be me; and I was never allowed to be me when past 8 years old or in this society; a society Ive been at war with from the beginning..
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So; the universe is opening the doors it said it would open; now; I have to learn to stop dissociating if I can; and keep working toward the things that make me feel good; and that is happening; even if it makes no world sense; it makes me feel great and real and inline with myself.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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