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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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The are and problem of disappearing!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jan 10, 2018 4:52 am

Ive been in general recovery for a very long time; most of it, so mentally ill; I didn't feel anything or remember much! Only in the last several years; 4 years, have things been changing and Im slowly waking up!
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The problem now; the people in general recovery process are not specific people Ive chosen to get close to; because of my condition; I now have to have specific types of people, people like myself to interact with; same sensitivities, understandings, temperament.
Women are driving me crazy; simply because they are the wrong women for me to associate with! I find them of no interest; the ones Im around! of course, this is to be expected; Im around general recovery people! and I have never felt I had anything in common with them! The women Im around have no respect for anything! Unfortunately for them; they attract men that know this; and play into this and into them until those men can get in their pants! non of my business! just strange! Just saying! One type of arrogance attracting predators! And the real question is; Why the hell would I be around any of this or them; well, Ive been asleep! I have a serious mental condition! I have had the start of addictions, that if they had exploded; things would be a lot different now and allot worse; I came very close! Yet, God directed something to happen that stopped any further use! I ended up in the nut house and after leaving, I worked with someone who helped me; She got me into 12 step work; and the rest is history! I went through a complete mental illness in that place! Better in their then outside of their! I would have never survived it all alone! I would have or should have been hanging by a rope by the time I was 12 years old!
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Around the right people; Im OK; but the right people never accepted me! they turned on me! So, I never trusted the " right people" ever again! I've been around the tougher wrong people! altho they understand hardship, they are more crude and predator like! more judgmental! They tend to size me up as either weak or strong based on simple external movements! They have no intelligence to know what is really going on inside someone! and this can be a problem when someone thinks Im a weakling; it attracts predators!
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The people in general recovery dont really know me! And they shouldn't really know me! Im not in those rooms for that! the problem is; I need intimate relationships just like anyone else! yet, with full dissociative disorder; I didnt need them; I was 2 numbed out and displaced to know what was going on around me! it was like being blind and completely brutally insane; like being mad and locked in a strait jacket; trapped inside a class jar with only massive PTSD blaring through the loud speakers; more more increasing the pain levels until it got between 8 and 10' and that was a very gruesome experience; it was so much pain; over the top torture level pain; un believable! I dont know how anyone could survive it for long!
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Now, As I get better, I have to ask God for the right people to interact with; especially in the beginning! the people Im around now; are not safe for this kind of thing!
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The people Im around now are fine; but not for what I need! I have to work with God for the right people for my new interactions with others! A gap resides; however, its smaller then it used to be!
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The problem is; its frustrating in the recovery process because theirs few people to talk to about anything of depth; at least at the level I want to talk! The people that run meetings or groups or what ever; they are more in charge and nice; but strangers! They only go so far in personal intimacy! and I suppose thats the right way! Their not involved to get personal; their involved to help and listen! they have regular jobs and normal lives!
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I was trained to disappear! thats all Ive done all my life! And when thrown away at age 10; i want into shock and want to disappear for good! I wanted to die and never come back! no one loved me; never; ever! anyone! I was used by just about everyone! everything! throw away! no one cared if I was pushed by them or their society or communities onto a rope and dead; no one cared! they still dont; I meet this filth on a daily basis; suits n ties everything beautiful! Their the first to gain your trust and tell you that pond over their is the safest to swim in; even tho they saw the Game warden put alligators into the pond the week before! and thus is the way of life if one is around the wrong people!
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Who are the right people; this; God will have to bring to me!
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I would say this; Im ready more then I ever have been to get more recovery and jump back into beginning relationships with the right people! Im not going to die; altho, at times when God does not seem to pull through; I feel like killing myself because I dont want to be here anymore and go through this frustrating life! However, thats anger and frustration; not exactly suicidal ideation! Can you kill yourself out of feeling stuck and frustrated! I guess one can! However, I seem to work through it! Im getting stronger; I would like real support for this along the way! I dont have it; not yet; not the type of people I actually need for this!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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