Im grateful for the 12 step groups; when my personality collapsed; I landed on 12 step groups or in their realm.. and spent a 25 years in those places; well; maybe not 25 years; but something like that; I mean; my personalty was flattened out; useless lifeless and weak ruptured and gone; I landed on therapy and 12 step groups. Now; finally; with enough work and time and experience in those places; Ive finally earned the right to move on into society again; knowing no social exists for me in those places...
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So; Ive worked my way into new avenues... up into new realms of frequency... new places... that surface into society; and im not sure what that looks like; Ill work with God on it. Last year at this time I was still conjuring up women in my imagination to show up in the 12 step groups; altho I was half way wanting to get out of 12 step groups; meaning; I was yearning to get out and really didnt want to meet anymore people at those places. I was at a new 12 step group in a more permanent bases... and meeting some new people; but it turned into a disaster for the very reason I was acquainted with these meetings in the first place; I had a collapsed personalty and had been flattened out. And the people were the same old type of people; people in recovery with all kinds of baggage and deceit and trauma... So; it was useless.. In fact I didnt even try to connect; just stayed to myself wondering what would be the next level of interactions.
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Now; after another year of experiences; Ive already made the natural; move toward society again; we will see what God will allow or bring to the table.
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I cannot have relationships with dishonest people; that is one of the most profound statements ive ever made concerning reality; the reality I live and understand. I am not deceitful or dishonest; and thus; must be with only honest friendly people; no dishonest people. In fact; dishonest people and I dont mix; we just dont; so I know what I dont like or dont want.
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Thus; I kind of no the general idea of the kind of people I do want to meet... Their is a difference between those who say they are honest and want honest and those like myself that are naturally and normally genuine people; complete difference. Ive met many treacherous people who wanted the rewards and satisfaction they see in honest lives; but they are have no heart for it nor are willing to sacrifice or work toward it; but at first would like the rewards; the treasure of such things. I being authentic to honesty; I dont need to become anything; Im fine with who I am Im just freaked out and hurt and traumatized to a point of non functioning... The point is; I landed in a place of recovery with many different people in denial and now Im moving back out around society again... But I am alone
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Its not easy being alone all the time and being and honest person. It sucks and its crazy and doesn't seem right to me.
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I have to work with God; But being disconnected from everything for so long and not being able to function or use talents or know anyone; its like being held back. Im not interested in being in a corrupt world...
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Anyway; Ill continue to work at what Im working at. Im not getting anywhere with corrupt dishonest people; its a waist of time. So; Ill pray for all the things I want and need and start working on manifesting new people and places and things and see what happens.
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