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That point needed to wake up!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 11, 2016 11:52 pm

My mind dissociates on several points; some more then others! Ive been exploited several times by the psychopaths at different stages of my life!

I missed the first developments of my young life; I never knew this was going to happen! In horror, shame and sadness; I had to watch this happen to me and those around me! As I watched this family die! Meaning, the family I came from! But it was never a family; I was to young to know what was really going on!

I was put through severe neglect! The type you would experience in a prison camp! It was of a specific nature; it reminds me of kidnap victims where the perpetrators are in complete control! They try to convince you that that outside world does not want you and you are worthless to everyone! This is what happened to me! Its very strange and effective! Im trying to get it ineffective!

Its possible if I continue down the road Im going to over pass the dissociative ports within my mind and conscious! Meaning, those moments of fear and psychological horror when I realized as a boy I was not going to get any help learning how to develop! This is the worst; absolute worst abuse toward a child! You are cutting their throat; killing their survival! When I say they weren't going to help; I mean that! " you are left out to dry" ' your oudda luck"; as they used to say!

That part of " your oudda luck"! Its this part I'm working on! The idea is using successful thinking and recreating a plan for my future as if Ive already got it and developed it! I do this through writing! Writing a new story over the top of the old; and at some point it will stick! I know this; its already working to bring me back to reality and hope and the possibility of a future again! I am what I think! And if Im thinking about nothing but goals and working on a plan to create my own reality, soon, things will change for me and the Universe is in my favor! And that is whats happening! However, getting over these dissociative blocks is a hard deal! It's a vicious horrid thing; as I have to remember and feel the in human treatment I received when young; mainly being completely thrown away and defranchized as a human being!

Its based on love; to bring me back; its in the place of a family system I never had! its unfortunate what happened to me; now Im trying to be my own family and bring me back to life once again!

Im terrified because of what happened to me at various times! the fear and loss of my life!

Money; One area of confusion and deformity was the un ability to be in reality to form the ability to receive money! I did not learn anything, pure arrested development! very bad stuff! real arrested development is as bad a condition as any mental illness! it causes mass problems and hopeless tragedy hand fear!

I was a broken 6 year old or 7 year old or 8 year old, and getting worse! and now Im that same 6 year old who wants to do what 6 year olds do and nothing else! I cannot see anything else in my mind or heart! my heart will not create anything else of importance more then a 6 year old!

Being a 6 year old does not fit well when your talking about the need to buy a house or a vehicle or get married to someone!

Im slowly moving toward narrowing the gap between then and now; that I may jump over this gap into the reality of my original purpose and desires!

Its hard to receive anything! its hard to respond or come out of my shell and trust again!

Im not inline with my greater life! Im doing things that were suppose to be done as a 5th grader or 9th grader or 10th grader!

Ive just began the exploration into these areas! I need the majority so I can do things with my life!

For example; I would like to be a performance artist! this requires a practice room and a routine of material! a 6 year old folds up when dealing with this! he simply runs under the table and hides! and thats the best way to describe my break downs! to hide!

I wanted to be a song writer, but had no way of understanding how to gain a practice room! so it all folded! is this how all aspiring singer song writers end up; folding under!

is their no way to get beyond some of this so I can do what I want with my life!

One overwhelming edge of negativity; every time I think about being a song writer, I get hit with stereo typical limiting beliefs about how Im to survive! I have to become a slave in order to practice! none of this makes any sense to me! Ive never managed such things before! Im not sure how anyone does it!

I would have to have a practice room; I must!

Its about independence! I have to learn how! it scares me and hurts! these things I would have learned in my childhood, but did not! and Im scared to learn them now; I must be brave and willing to do these things!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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