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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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That breaking point

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm

The goal is to face the breaking point; I remember how I felt; I remember that place before I was destroyed. I remember the memories and starting to remember the feelings; the goal is to hang on to those feelings; and feel safe doing so; it was a time I was active. I was beat down; but OK. I mean; I cold have gone from that point to the next set of dreams or desires and make something happen but I was dropped of the cliff at that time and done for.
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Whats happening now; coming out of dissociation back to this place of about age 8-10? age 9; age 11?
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I can feel it and see it; and see the memories of it; but am I in touch with it or feel loved or confident; not yet; because Im not their yet; Im not in alignment with that time yet; that time is till something Im looking down on and watching; Im not in touch with it; its another part of me; maybe an alters memories. I have to integrate; something. Theirs a gap or divide between that place and where Im at now; but its getting much closer; I mean closer in the sense that Im almost reliving it in real time; Im not looking down on it; Im in real time real physical proximity of correct dimension. meaning; Im walking around next to plants and trees and stories in the right physical level; its like Im their. Im very close.
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Im still behind it; Im still seeing it from a distance. I see my childhood home; I see my self in third person point of view and not in first person point of view; its getting better. But I have to feel safe enough to get into first person point of view.
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Im close; when I align Ill be starting over from a point of view of an 11 year old; or 9-11 year old; something; 8-11 year old; yes; thats closer; and I have memories of being on a beach of a lake at that age on the sand; and I remember it and how I feel; and Ill start from their. Start from those feelings;
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From those feelings;
Im start from those feelings at the beach; and Ill immediate start writing about going from that place and getting better; what kind of experiences do I want after I become myself. where do I go from there.
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And I can see all kinds of stories I can create about my future experiences from that launching pad; I was at an age where I was accepting of myself; if I had the foundation but no help for the next year; Id find my way and create my dreams and keep at it; keep working at stuff; but I needed that foundation; but everyone does.
I can get back that foundation; Why? Because my present situation is a foundational situation; Im sure it wont be changing anytime soon.
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So; from that sandy vantage point and all my memories of the past; and strangely they are coming back; they are flooding my head as if Ive experienced them yesterday; Im getting back the ones that really really hurt because their going into an area; that area I was murdered.
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Im getting back memories; And their my memories of my childhood; Im remembering them and their staying in place. Not all of them yet. but its happening and Im feeling full of self; full of my memories that were dissociated or burned out disfigured?.
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Im remembering the painful stuff because it has real meaning to my growth and identity and very soon I will be destroyed.
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So; Im remembering who I was; and using that as a vantage point to start from; I will accept that place; start from their, and move forward from their by creating new stories to go after at the vantage point; hopefully I will be forward thinking and move into the future from that stand point.
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I will have to accept myself where Im at within that vantage point and move forward from their. So; Im looking forward to getting back to that point.
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Aligning with that point of reality on the beach; thats the goal; I can feel it and see it; but not be aligned with it yet. It is me but it is separated from me; it needs to become me And then I wont be looking back; ill be present and full of possibility and hope....
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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