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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
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Terror wars and negative thinking and thoughts of fear-terror

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Mar 28, 2016 12:56 am

That last blog talked about fear of sex and women! Or having sex with women! In fact; just talking about it or writing it scares the hell out of me! But I can fantasies in a positive sense about women behind these thoughts; with other give Certainly I can watch porno and get of on it! But the same thing happens when I watch porn; I get terror thoughts; like Im being raped or molested and taken advantage of! When these thoughts clear or I clear them; Porn is a much better experience! Im not molesting myself; thats not what I mean! Im remembering the past! It's intruding into my mind!

I have uncontrollable thoughts that create trouble and dissonance and resistance during the thinking process! Lots of blocks and resistance! Thick terror complex terror walls! Intrusive PTSD!

I see blocks and resistance thoughts when getting close to people; triggered from a certain distance of a person! Any kind of give-n-take with others! Bantering! In fact; Im seeing the thoughts that are popping up! Think walls of desolate thoughts! Thoughts were I had no escape or way out! Or the psychopaths were giving me advice that made me feel alone and not wanted or cared about or inferior! Advice laced with death talk; contrived to destroy and demean me! And that is all you will get from a psychopath or sociopath! They are only thinking about themselves! The sadistic psychopaths will go out of their way to lie to you or trip you up! That is all they do ! After a while you are weakened by it! But if you are under their control or care! You will be destroyed and end up insane or deranged and full of long term PTSD problems and much worse! Good chance you will ended at the end of rope at some point by your own hand!

Im aware that its thoughts! It's crippling massive terror thoughts! Thoughts of hopelessness flooding my brain! And when I write this; I keep getting pictures of my mother and father not helping me or telling me anything; and telling me in its place; something that is sickening and degenerative! Something that puts them as the victim and the rest of us as the victimizers; with no regret or regard to me or the people they were talking about; sickening! Horrible! Horrifying! Over n over n over! Manipulative masters! But towards children? Sickening! Its used to hurt children for their sadistic pleasure! It's not a game; it preeminently will cripple a child's mind! We are talking adult tricks against children! Its made to destroy people! To behead them psychologically, socially, emotionally and spiritually! The psychopaths seeks to kill the spirit in you and turn you into a dumb dead walled box that they can manipulate for their own exploitation!

You do not ever want to be alone with a psychopath and talk with them; I promise, you don't! They need to be in custody! It's horrifying!

Your mother n father are supposed to take care of you! Not throw you to the streets, then walk up to you once n a while and tell you how they are victims; and go on n on as if you are a stranger and their just talking!

This is a pure predator attack or intent to destroy children; it's a form of verbal abuse; intended to sicken the child! It's a form of sadistic abuse! Horrible and arrogant! And it can destroy a child ruthlessly! It's not just bad parents or abusive parents being mean to a child! Its sycophant rapist degenerates or the equivalent trying to destroy the minds of children for the aggressive hatred of it!

Its all about thoughts! Lots n lots of them! Walls of them; deep horrible years of them! I was exposed to sadistic sociopaths and psychopaths who demoralized me over n over n over! I became insane from it and completely dissociative! I lost my mind! I had no other input! I was isolated because I never understood the identity of the people I was talking to! I had no idea they were freaks I should have ran away from! Instead; I went back to them; over n over n over for love! They did not care! They couldn't care less in the least! They would say things that were so inhuman and immoral while talking to them! It was the way they talked to you; Like you weren't even their! Like you were some hired therapist to listen to their every sick thought! You were a second class citizen owned by them! And they would tell you everything as if you were a made or a butler! Like you worked for them and were not part of a family with them! They were not part of any family! They were alone onto themselves! Nothing could be more sickening to watch or experience! It's a huge form of psychological abuse! You wont know what I mean until you are around these type of vermin! They are not human! You would walk away the minute they opened their mouths! They only think about themselves! And its in human! Like dealing with an animal with a human brain!

I remember being sickened by them; over n over n over! They have no human understanding! Nothing!
I went to them as a son to try to gain love! I got nothing! Complete devoid! I cannot describe how sickening it is! These were not humans!

They do not think on terms of humans!

Imagine you walked into an ocean around sharks in order to tell them you wanted love from them! Actually not knowing they were real sharks! You would be torn to pieces in seconds! Would the sharks care; no! They are sharks! Thus is the same when dealing with the psychopath! You must be cautious at all times! In fact; you should never go near these vermin; any of them! They don't care! They destroy children! All children! They are predators of societies!

I cannot describe the damage! What amazes me is; I never went to get help some other place! I did not know what was wrong! I still thought it was my fault! Or I wasn't communicating correctly, or my father had social problems or something but we were still one big family! Thats what I thought! When in reality; their never was a family! And almost all members; even distant relatives were sociopaths! So, their was nothing!

Its horrible! And Im trying to work through all memories associated with the psychopath and sociopath and relative memories of people, places and things; and get rid of them for good! All of it!

I have more to say! I always do; because Im processing out the past! The goal is to get rid of all of it from front to back!

I have good thoughts from that time; they all go! They are all going to be erased! For it is all a lie! And all associated memories must go! Including friendships I made at that time period! Including things are contaminated because of the horror of the situation! I will get rid of the past and start over again some place else! All my life somewhere else!

I must get rid of the core memories and fear walls and terror walls and limiting beliefs! These beliefs come from this time period! Rebuild not easy! I must get rid of all associates that are still around; meaning, get rid of my memories of them and move on! Not easy!

IT was all a lie! Even the food and clothing and housing and locations were all lies! The friends were all fair whether friends and I never knew! I meant nothing to them! My brothers; that were borderline personalities as children; and not my friends; they were my enemies and they were strangers; not brothers! And this when I was born and never knew it! Crazy! The time I spent with my brothers was all fake! I was spending time with people that were not safe and I should have never involved myself with or ever seen again for any reason! I had no idea what or who I was dealing with!

I was protected by one shark; and fooled by it! He protected me because I was food! And one shark will protect his food from another! However, at some point; when I was used up! The shark simply left and I was not protected any longer!

I received most of my family values and training from Television; from the TV shows of the 1960s! For those who do not know; these were 1960s wonderful shows! They gave the idea that the world was a family oriented wonderful carrying kind place! Holsum Im glad; I watch them! But I thought the world was like a TV show; when in reality; I was living in a sharks den with no safety!

I was destroyed in all directions! I had not one person who cared about the fact I was born; and I never knew it! I would watch a TV movie; and it would affirm that everything in real life is wonderful! In fact! TV was my best friend and my success coach and my teacher! So, if I was not getting enough attention from the people I lived with; I would turn to the TV for shelter and safety; it would save me and keep me going for another day until I could grow up and make things happen for myself! And I had hope that I would get through what ever was thrown at me! The problem was; I had no idea of the complexities of life when you're actually not protected by anyone! Or the PTSD, or bullies with no protection from them! Or the horror of negative self thinking that happens when your mind is destroyed! Or the effects of a destroyed deranged mind; dissociative disorder; clinical depression; suicide, AVPD! Agoraphobia! And phobias in general! Addictions! isolation problems! lack of hope! heart broken! broken mind and soul! Raped body! Terrorized! humiliated, de moralized!

I tell you; its horrible! As bad as it can be for a child! Nothing could have been worse! Only war! Or a child's prison! But it was subdued at first! at first I had no idea, and thought everything was fine! much like those on the Titanic! Those on the Titanic! the last thing they were ever thinking about was sinking!

At first everything appeared to be fine! And thats the problem!

Imagine your in a sharks den or nest! And you are the food or the bait on the hook and you don't know it! You think the sharks are your friends! You are unaware you are going to be eaten! You have watched Television shows that indicate that sharks are friendly and love you! So, you have been reaffirmed that you are correct in your beliefs! Much like those on the Titanic were self assured it would float and get them safely to harbor! But thats not what happened!

My story is much like the Titanic! Its horrible; and it's a shame! It's such a sad tale and tragic! I only hope I get through the thought wars Im experiencing! That before I die I will have lived my life!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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