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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Telling women how you really feel

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Feb 03, 2021 7:02 am

Telling a women how you really feel; so scary…. I mean that your interested in her? I mean the kind you really like? Ive never done it before. She could hurt me….. hurt me bad! Do I really have a choice? I want to run and hide; I had to hide when young for adults that were resolving me and erasing me from this planet. Now Im suppose to open up to someone; How; I feel like everyone is those people that hurt me; Do I have a choice if i want a relationship with someone.
Do you ever feel like after the smile and asking her to have coffee and telling her shes cute and to put her phone number down; that sooner or later once shes with you for about three weeks; she will know your psycho and run from you; go to all her friends and tell them your a weirdo and never to go around that fool ever again; that weakling. Ill be laughed at…. Ill be destroyed by her…. Like all the rest did to me.
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Heres the deal; they rejected me; I liked them; but I never told them how I felt about them… We had eye contact; I mean; they know something is there. I watched them go out with other guys. After that; I was not interested anymore. I wanted nothing to do with them; they were not the nice people I thought they were.
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I thought God Brought them to me. I guess I was wrong…. Ill go back to God and stay with God in Gods light; Something is horrible wrong. Something is way wrong. Horribly wrong. Im attracting vampires; something is horribly wrong. Ill just go back to God and stay in Gods light; because every time i go out from Gods light I Get hit by the devil; every time. I guess I have to stay in Gods light and go down Gods street and no other.. Im scared of what I wont find. But I have to learn to Go down Gods street and stay out of all other lanes…. Trust God not hatred…. stay away from hatred.
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I have to learn to stay away from hatred….
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I was thinking about women Ive liked or who've come on to me but I froze up; I was a 4 year old little kid; they were my mother; and I wanted them to chase me to prove they loved me; I was running from them. they were suppose to chase me and pick me up; but they were not where to be seen. I was all alone in another house with monsters that were coming at me and I could not protect myself from them. I could only freeze up. I could not defend them off of me.
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I waited for my mother… she never showed up.. I was scared to death and in panic mode for ever.
So; when I attract a women; she is suppose to rescue me. She tries but I dont trust her at first; I run from her; then she follows; but I still dont give in; I play hard to get. She finally gives up. And I watch her for awhile after giving up; but i want her to give in; she doesn’t; she takes interested in another man and goes after him instead; and they court each other in front of me.
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Ive had women courted by other guys desperately jump me to go out with me; get mad at me for not jumping them and taking them home with me and her being with me.. But I didnt like the idea she is playing with other guys. And Im horrified and no longer interested in her; I halt immediately. Ive been through this numerous times. And each time I go back to God stunted. Its easy for me to see that Im around the wrong women.
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Im around the wrong women; I want to be around nice women that are in Gods lane. Was i in Gods lane when i met these women or sex lane when I met these women. Not that is was about sex but that they were sexy and beautiful and liked me but did God send them or not.
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Im really afraid; I'm afraid because I think God sent them… So; Ive tried something else. Im not going back to the same water hole I met them at… Ill go to another lake to do my fishing. Or; I wont go to any lake; Ill get inline with God and see what shows up and who shows up and see if I show up.
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Am I showing; I dont think so; Im trying to learn how to show up and want the right women to help me show up; Is God sending me the right women for this or are they just tagging in on me…. Because they are attracted to me but God didnt really send them and Im not really in Gods lane…. Im in the wrong realm and dont even know it.
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Meaning; Im in Satans Garden and im looking for nice flowers in Satans garden and some are showing up; but what I dont know; Satan is lurking right behind them because he owns them And suddenly I become aware of Satans presence altho I can see him with my eyes; I can sense his weighted evil behind that flower stall. Everything seems so easy; but is it really that easy or a trap. And soon; if I just look at the flowers but dont touch even tho they are longing for me to touch them and notice them; suddenly another shows up behind them to take my place I never knew about; and they all betray me and turn to him and then look at me with spite and hatred. Did I cause that because I thought I was to good or did I just discover they were never with God in the first place and they were going with the younger stronger man?
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They show up after being with the younger stronger man and they might want too hook up with me. Never happen. This makes me sick…. I would never date someone like this ever.
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However; a loop hole; With all the problems of lack of safety and jeopardy from women; false friendships or betrayal; One thing remains on all of these women; I never actually told them how I felt about them or asked them out…. They tried to get my attention over n over n over; they asked me out; asked me to come over to their houses. they jumped me physically to get me to go out with them; pleaded with me to tell them who i liked now from their bed room terraces…
Tried to say hI a million times until they gave up; they tried…. and I knew when they gave up.
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But regardless; Something sinister in it. Its as if someone was telling me they are giving me a break in order to invite me into their realm, Im not here to be invited into their realm; Im already under Gods control correction and direction; Im inviting them under my realm as I am under Gods realm and direction. Im like an umbrella and they are getting invited under my umbrella; but God is over my umbrella; and most of the time I think the women that have had an interested in me; deception was their realm. Is that true; Ill write more on this.
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For the women that wanted to be under my umbrella; deception was their realm; They are all the same; they are like; My mother, my father, false grand parents; false relatives, false best friend and his family; sicko sadistic teachers from the school system I was at; and the corrupt school system who only catered to children with moderate good families with no trauma…. I was thrown away; no one cared; nothing. I was a ghost in the school system; they had no problem throwing me away; unbelievable…. horrifying disgusting examples of the human race; unbelievable.
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Heres the point; Ive associated women with my false best friends family; his sisters and his mother and father and him; when im dealing with those women; im dealing with him and his family clan; same kind of people Im attracting; or am I? Is it me or them. Ive been scared that ive I actually bring one of these women into my life; they will betray me. However, theyve allergy shown signs of betraying me and never really seeing anything in me in the first place. It seems like they were attracted to me but if they couldn't get what they wanted when they wanted it; it turned to scorn. It seems they loved no one; I mean; they didnt love me.. I guess they found me attractive; In many cases it seems; they loved me but went out with someone else right in front of me; once that relationship didnt work; suddenly their interested in me again maybe. Im like; NO THANKS: Bye!~.
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But I never asked them out in the first place or actually physically told them how I felt about them. Could I have trusted women like this; I mean; should I have dated them; NO Way! But how would I know unless I went out with them for 90 days. Can I really tell what any women would be like to date ever? is their really anyway to really know someone is safe ever.
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What do normal people go through when dating.. Do they ever really know who they are dating; should I take a chance on someone ever…. I dont want to get hurt. I just dont. I hate the idea of more hurt and being around more evil brought into my home.
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I get mad because Im attracting evil; but am I; I dont know; I never ask them out and find out what they are. In the end; they all turn on me and spit in my face and make me out to be nothing; not all; but many; most of them. What am I to think about this. Just because Im not dating them; im not making them out to be bad……gulp; ( pause)(eat my words)…… People? Holy bat cars Robin. Im doing the same thing to them before I date them; I have a feeling they are worthless because I am worthless. They are low’sm- scum; what else would they be doing with me; they are just like me. But I have something they dont; Im honorable; I dont have convince loyalty…. Do they have convince loyalty; I dont know. But I do.
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I know the child in me is walked over by them; the innocent child in me is killed by them by their behavior. But am I doing the same to them by ignoring them… But why am I ignoring them accept they are not showing any signs of depth or safety; they are not interested in creating safety within me. They want Alpha males to show up and swept off her feet; she doesn't want to deal with someone who is decent and real and human; but she wanted the opportunity to get something for nothing; thats the way it feels. Shes willing to go the extra mile to let me know she is interested; but is she evil or good.
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Is she evil or good; and thats what I have to take to God and accept the answer and move on. I think in the past; I was not ready to move on…. But now I am… Im learning that I have to either trust her evil enticing ways or trust God…. and their it is; and I mean it; and their it is baby. Do I trust God more then her.
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Today; Im asking God for help to trust God and go down Gods lane and then quickly put my head down in bowing in reverence to that power greater then myself and wanting something and believing Im going to get it and waist and watch it show up in front of me. but no switching lanes to other people places or things; Only down any lane; and that is where I want to be God; I want to be known as God and I want women to bow down to their one true God me. That is what I want. But when they show up and bow down to me as their one true God I get scared and run away because Im just a 4 year old with my dads cape on and fake mask…. So i run to my bedroom and hide…. hide and tell God to make them go away.. Im scared. and I wait till they have no more interested in me; and when they are gone and everything is peaceful again; I get out my plastic model kits and start working on them.
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Im actually scared that if they knew I was just a little kid inside I would not be wanted… Id have nothing for them and they would laugh at me and go out with someone else; and run me completely over and that is whats happened every time;
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But the question remains; did they run me over; laugh at me and go out with someone better because they realized I was just a little boy inside who could offer them nothing; or; was it because I never told them how I felt or asked them out or payed attention to them because instead I went into freeze mode until they finally got tired of it.
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And I have to remember; and this is a pathological part of it. I have this idea they know all about me or should because they are my mother chasing me. But in reality; they know nothing about me; and I just cant cope or deal with this; I dont understand. I thought God sent them to love me; but they end up in another mans arms; they proved the test part way; but then flunk the test but I never tell them who I am or that I like them in the first place.
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So; the information Im looking for is; What comes first; the girl or the admittance that I like her; which one legally has to come first. are they all of the hook; meaning no liability because they were never asked out or told I liked them; and because of that i get no where; and they still could be nice women and its non of my business because i didnt ask them out yet.
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So; I have to go out with them first or non of this is even real or Im not in the relationship realm in the first place.
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Did they cheat on me if I never asked them out but I knew they liked me? Would I really ever trust them again regardless because of how the child in me feels ran over by them regardless because I knew they liked me but it wasn't my fault because I went into freeze mode. They knew I was attracted to them but I have to legally “ tell them” Or nothing counts; what are the rules; I dont know; thats the problem.
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Should I wait on Gods hands and see who shows up and by pass all of this and have God bringing me someone nice so i dont have to ever go through any of this again.
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Im so scared God is never going to bring me anyone; only his light and Ill die a relationship virgin; Ive never had a real relationship before. Never. Not one I would want to talk about; not from the inner child in me connecting to a soulmate. I never went for it… and the girl turned on me with contempt and at times having other men to use violence against me and later said I meant nothing to them. and they never wanted to see me again; but I never told them how I felt about them; I left them betrayed them and ran away… At times blaming them unfairly and then hiding; but when I found out they didnt care if they ever saw me again and they just moved on; I was heartbroken and realized; maybe they were evil and never loved me and I was completely wrong.
Well at least I can go back to God and hide their and always stay with God.

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So; for the last days of my life on planet earth; Im trying to Just stay in gods lane.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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