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Consumer 6
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- July 2021
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What car to buy
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Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
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moving forward in through the past. Learning how to express
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The hard work of things.
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Teenage years

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am

Ive got allot of broken time periods and alters; and some of them are snagging me into playing out their roles in real life.

Im heading into the teenage years; reliving them, possibly from an introverted protected situation; this is the time I learn about women and how to date them. Im in that period now; Im headed into this position now; and Im dissociating like crazy and flash backing in mass pain because I've not taken on this past period of my life. Ive got to work through this with the universes help; and Im getting hit with massive switching from dissociative disorder and flashbacks from CPTSD; meaning; I'm getting slammed by critical voice very badly. Im getting pummeled and switching into a passive dumb teenager...
On the positive today;
Ive began to do things; reading science fiction again; using my Rc rock crawler.
Art comes next and a few other things when I do them on day to day events...
Meeting and talking to women will be part of this; and it hurts to talk about; Im getting hit with massive critical voice to the point of switching. The problem is its not been dealt with yet; my teen years; Ive seen them , looked at them... but not dealt with or worked throw them. I have horrible tunnel vision and vicious past realizations... Im reliving tunneled times.
I've never really had a girlfriend since being on my own away from my original family; I was so demoralized by my mental illness; that stopped me cold; but then the fact of not having any family backup or real history of being from anyone or anywhere... and being thrown away from a family system completely. And this has hatred that needs to be overcome because its a form of critical voice and flashbacks; thick deep flashbacks that turn me into a sociopath.....
And as I write this; I think; why not use my talents and go out into the world; that just hit me.... Women can see me and I can meet them as I am performing.
Its interesting; I had nothing to be proud of, and how could I encounter a women without being proud of something. but the most important issue is where to meet women; and thats the most frustrating. In reality; its about these things opening up in my mind. And my mind switches between several different ages as I write this and traps me in those immature time periods and I cant move; but I can feel but not think of intelligently..... Im trapped in passive aggressiveness.
At that time of creating a car and making money when a teenager; I was demoralized and no one listened to me or cared who I was or why; I meant nothing to everyone; I was a stranger and nothing more; and no one cared. Nothing; it was contempt and they wanted me gone. I wanted to leave the planet. and I have not dealt with any of that yet; and I was thumbed down to the ground.
Ive got something in my mind stopping me from meeting women; a real trigger that is scared to meet them or go forward with them; like an alter stopping me. And I don't want it stopping me; I don't want to be stopped; I want to date; Im trying to get through the years before dating that are stopping me; Im trying to grow past them; Im going crazy because of this. Im being continuously stopped or pushed back to childhood; and Im like. enough; Yes; I want to deal with my child hood but I want to grow up to; I want to live as an adult for God sake; but Im not allowed. Im being controlled inside my mind and nervous system; and its driving me crazy. So; thats what Im working on. experience solves things; so Im looking at experience to grow.
Its hard; the groups Im in don't know me; they don't understand this side of me; the CPTSD side of things; they've heard me use the terms but don't care because their not concentrating on me..
Im getting somewhere but Im also getting frustrated and Im getting tired of the PTSD that keeps hitting; showing me and telling me what a life I could have had but am missing. That Im a loser with nothing and no one will want me; its like a set of lethal tapes being played over n over n over again to destroy me. I have to go from here; not shut off. and I seem to shut down or off in ignorance; I can feel it; I go blank. And I stop learning stop growing; everything stops. Its like being a dumb teenager; something is horribly wrong here with the thoughts of who I am; Im in a passive dumb state where anyone can walk on me or take me over; i wont fight back; I see it as getting attention; Im trying to stay present and break through it; its God awful hard... I have to stay awake and break through it. Flash backs; critical voice. Dissociative disorder; Im dissociating... The whole thing is exhausting.
Im seeing flashbacks of several times periods running co occurring next to each other; back to back to back.
And I could not protect myself and hate myself for it; no where to escape; nothing...
Their is a place beyond sadness and grief when dealing with the psychopathic monster. Its life and death to be around them or cornered by them or trapped by them face to face; Satan is in the imagination; psychopaths are real; and they made me physically and mentally ill being around them; a special kind of sickness as if they breathed their lifelessness into me and it clung to my lungs and made me into a corpse.......... And it crippled me like mustard gas crippled the soldiers of WW1; and Im disabled from that. And I've never been strong again since then or able to handle anyone around me... Nothing...
I became anti social after that... I could not handle anything after that for that blue print of that monster is in me... blue printed inside my inner structure and soul. My soul is sick from it. ITs a place beyond grief and beyond sadness; its terror.... a deeper darker sub human form of terror; like being frightened into complete insanity and immobility..... but much worse then that. Like being sick from mustard gas. And it makes one paranoid.... All my boundaries were violated with complete lawlessness. Much like a tsunami hitting the Japanese cities in 2011... ruthless quit and lethal.

I have to learn to experience a good teenage year set; I have to start writing nw stories of being the teenager I always wanted to be. the new revision of my past...
I have allot of work to do; ultimately; I have to face some responsibilities or respond-abilities. Im chicken to do things; and I have to learn how; or now; I have to learn how if I want relationships. ITs the next thing to face.... Im getting hit with dissociation. And thats impossible to break through. Im swept to another part of my mind; not able to function with whats in front of me...
A break or gap exists between the time I was demoralized at age 16 or 15-16 and part of 14 into 17 and 18; and then the idea is to I meet women. what Im suggesting; I learn some development; and move smoothly into meeting women; but for me; a gap occurred of silence or no development; of darkness from encountering the psychopath again. And I have no idea how to work through the psychopath; but I have some ideas; I was in a car; I could escape the car and go up the street to the girls house. I don't know how I could go back to that house with this psychopath; for I had been at several houses of hers before with the same outcome... over n over n over... and it happened again; and I was not prepared for the same thing to happen again; I didn't know. And I was sick from it happening again and getting destroyed again.
But their is a gap; I found it; its like a death gap; Im assuming this is when I dealt with the psychopath face to face again in her car.. And that demoralized me to the point of dropping everything and leaving the city in a state of shock and numb sickness; age 16 and finally left between 16-17. PTSD sickness; that nothing had changed. I had no reason to come back to that area; there was no one their that loved me; these were strangers and psychopaths. No one cared who I was; if I was dead or alive; nothing; or if they ever saw me again. And I have to learn to go from their and rebuild my life in a positive manner; and that is exceptionally important on how to do this. and Im also seeing bullies that have taken advantage of me and my brothers and ruined everything. and no one really cares; cops are called. but no one is really protecting us; we are used and lied to again. And then I have to go somewhere; go home; but theirs no home and no home town; nothing; I have nothing; Im in a state of stupefied dual terror and shock; as the horrible realities mount more n more n more of impossible situations I cant deal with or get out of; like giant walls of water coming at me from every direction and no way out; simply facing them as they are drowning me and no way out. All walled in; and the horrified terror and torture of such things; literally being tortured to death from all this; over n over n over; and no way out; over n over n over; and looking back; done on purpose. all of it but a demonic monster with no human traits; Nothing; more like am alligator demon; a real one; No one will ever knew what I saw; no human being should ever see what I saw; that type of monster.. No one... the truth of it; the true monster under the mask.... And more bulling hits me as I write this; over n over n over being swamped in flashbacks; until Im drunk with trauma right now...
So; the next development is teenage years in a good sense and safe sense; not like I remember; the horror or unfortunate horror.. Im seeing my childhood when watching cartoons and imagining my teenage years; then I see myself where I was molested at the parents of my parents house where I was forced to live because I didn't have a home. No where to go; no one wanted me. And that is almost to much to deal with; no one wanting me. The key is to stay present in the adult mind while looking at this stuff; so I can deal with it with strength. and its so very very hard.
and I have to rewrite teen age years and meeting people; and move into a new life. The first thing I have to do is loose weight. Its slowly happening; its about working at it and changing what I eat... I know what I have to do.
When I mentioned meeting people; I get hit with a massive negative critical voice and flashbacks and dissociation. Some part of my past; childhood does not want to deal with more mature things like meeting people; he wasn't to watch TV shows not do adult things like meet new people. IT start shutting down. I also see the child in me scared to death to go against his mother and meet new people. And that is hitting me very strongly; if I meet new people I will die because Ill be thrown away. And this is a big strong powerful set of voices. And its around 4-6 years old. and Im sure later; but Im surprised that its me so young; but thats where Im getting the brainwashing from. Im so open to suggestion and control. So; what do I do.... Ive got to hang on to the present brain...
I am getting nervous about my age; I have to get on it; and change and open up socially in the world even tho Im immature for such things; and work with the universe. Its not my forte; but it must be done; keep working with the universe until avenues of new places open up... its so very hard to deal with... And this is another part of critical voice; Im not present when Im thinking that Im to old. So; This snake is rapping itself around me hard. but. Ill keep working at it until Im present and more stronger. These years must be dealt with; i must see myself as a confident victor in these years.. and get my confidence back..
Im seeing myself as a loser after leaving that family system for I had nothing; no money, no future; Im glad I had a chance to survive through disability and other forms of help; I really am; but I never would have the ability to drop my pride in this condition and date someone; I was never brought up like this. So; something has to give if Im going to date. And Im seeing horrific nightmare bulling from the coast; Im seeing the roads and living situations where I was accosted and family members assaulted; ITs a flashback of helplessness; Im being attacked by critical voice again; death blows taking over my mind. I have to stay present from these brainwashing tapes. Ive got my work cut out for me.. its frustrating.
Im doing good work here; Ive got allot of work to do.
I would like to be at a treatment center that I could work specifically on this stuff all day long and not go to meetings with drunks or drug addicts to work on this stuff as Ive been forced for years on end. I am dual diagnosed; I used drugs in high school and abused them to a point and then stopped from overdosing. All PTSD related; and being demoralized and thrown away. And later when severe dissociative disorder takes over; alcohol; I abuse alcohol to the point that I could not stop; but then a suicide attempt that got me in the nut house; stopped all of it.
I got the message concerning drugs and alcohol and pTSD and mental illness due to trauma; OKE; I got the message. But its the only places I have left to deal with dissociative disorder and work through trauma. and I have to disguise it half the time and talk about the systems as if their drug related symptoms; Not that others don't know; they do. Im a mixture of many problems; but it would be better to talk about that stuff at CPTSD meetings all day long and not dope addict meetings; it drives me crazy; and also; lots of sociopaths at those meetings and that doesn't help.
Don't get me wrong; some of the best people Ive ever met are at those meetings; Narcotics Anonymous is the best program pound for pound Ive ever seen; the work books, literature and dedication and tight nit fellowship of members is outstanding beyond anyones concept of a group meeting. And they helped me immensely; However, with my problems now garnering on CPTSD; it would be so nice to have massive CPTSD meeting and groups to affiliate with...

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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