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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2020
Ill be single for the rest of my life; I believe maybe
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Something happened on line with a comment
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talking to women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 15, 2020 5:23 am

Talking to women; I don't know where this starts; but I have an idea.
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So; am I willing to unravel women; my entanglement with them my whole life; I don't know. Ive been through some brutal rejection; so its hard; all of it. but its not that hard. will I attract who I want to associate with. who do I want to associate with... if Im sincere; she would show up. we will see; and I cant look or think about her. I have to be doing something I enjoy and she will find herself beside me. ..
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I've got an ego and Im not up to speed; Im seeing myself thrown away at age 10 and that is the great pain; and I deflect women because of this poverty... So; I'm dissociated from self at that point.
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Im ashamed of my economic situation altho its not my fault. Im trying to blame myself for having PTSD CPTSD. If only I had dodged instead of weaved. Or jumped or stayed away a little sooner; everything would have worked out; if Only I had been less self centered I could have gotten help on my own. but I could not because I didn't even know the name of the problems I had. and Im surrounded by lies concerning all this. false hope and pretensions.
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I have to be more frontal; meaning; in front of self; not sidelined as if my personality was cut off. That is the problem.
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Im not around the right women?
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I have to become the right guy.
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Ego; Something is wrong; it could be the self image I created for myself when young; an upper middle class self image like the friend I had down the street; but it was never me. I wanted part of it to be me. The nice kid from the middle class neighborhood; that was the idea. but it never panned out. Who am I really; what was I suppose to do with my life really. who am I... .
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Im someone else entirely. Im trying to wake up. It's not easy; considering the people Im around.
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As for women; I need much counseling for the rest of my life. It has to do with connection and connection with the right people; and talking to them and getting to know them and opening up to them.... meaning people; in this case; women people; Id say girl; but living in this communistic society anymore; no more free speech... anything will be used again me that I say.
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So; when it comes to women; it's about being present and at the right frequency to talk to them. I haven't been ready for such things or with the right person for such things. And I can feel the pain as I talk about it here. I can feel this gap. This murky gap. IT has to heal and be closed and thats what Im attempting to work on; the problem is; Im dissociated in that area; I go blank; it feels like my personality has been cut off at this level. So; what then do I do. And that is what Im attempting to face; I cant face the reality; thats the problem.
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right now; I play low.... I let things slide as I learn what I have to learn until I learn it and get stronger.
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As for women; I don't know! Who am I attracting; thats what I have to work on.
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It's simple tho; if I was attracting the right women; or I believed I could have the right women; and I was attracting them; I would be dating them. So; I don't want the right women: I want to fight..
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I feel like Im in the recovery process and haven't stepped outside yet too a new group of people; and I feel Ill be shot down; lack of funds...
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So; I have to keep working through this thing . Another area is me getting it together and working toward my life and feeling good inside; is that possible; maybe. Im working on it; could I self actualize this; maybe; I felt it today.
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Something is stopping me concerning women; Ive been around the wrong ones... and the wrong people; I get up and walk away from them; some of them and they act like they have no idea what they didl. Thus; I don't care if I ever talk to any of them again; those people I was associating with.
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I dissociate bad when it comes to women; the time period.... junior high; 6th grade; high school; nothing because of the situation; public schools; horrible experience.
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Im not looking for women . I have to stop looking for women and put that time into areas I enjoy out of life. thats a new one for me. but also tired of attracting the bad ones; what does a Good one look like; I don't know; Ive never been around one. Im not suggesting a number of people Im around are not good people. Im suggesting I don't know anyone or anyone up close.
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So; when it comes to women; it's a mystery. Simply; if I attract the right ones; Ill go out with them... I guess.
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Lots of work in this area; I'll keep working at it until this divide is healed.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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