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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Talking to her

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 19, 2018 11:40 am

Im not around the right women to talk to! their OK to practice on; no one I would date! Mabye a few; but to much baggage! Im not scared of the baggage; Im scared of the women that has no conscious about anything! I cant have a relationship with that!
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Im most scared of the wrong women and finding the right women; thats what scares me the most; being with the wrong people!
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I have to become the right person to bring in the right person! Im trying to work with the universe for this!
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I find myself talking myself into figuring out how Im going to talk to this women or that one in order to date her; but I realize; all of this is just to hard; something is missing in the gap! their not the right women; their making it to hard because their not sensitive to who they are dealing with! they have no idea who they are dealing with! So; why am I bothering! where do I find the kind of women I want! or that are best for me!
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So; lets talk about problems I have; shame; of coming from no family! its very hard to talk to anyone period! its supper hard to talk to any one from a neighborhood that got the ability to have a family! ITs hard talking or being apart of any of this out here!
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ITs hard to open up to people; its hard to show my feelings to someone! I dont want to get laughed at or character assassination!
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I cant open up to a girl and tell her how I feel; so; I need to be able to tell her I cant! If I could tell her I cant; then obviously I can tell her something and thus learn to tell her how I feel!
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Ive been able to collect phone numbers from women! Ive been able to converse a bit with good looking women that I liked! Ive been able to tell them I have problems and its about me! So; Im in a prime spot to tell women I how I feel; but something is still wrong! I get this feeling Im not really of value; Im more distant luggage; Im not their first choice; Im their after thought; after who they really wanted to date or be with! So; thats not who Im looking for!
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Im not sure why it is so hard to date people! Maybe I watched to much TV growing up and saw that people dated each other! Now Im really wondering! Who actually dates or has relationships!
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Why is this so hard; with the right people it would work; where are the right people to date! that's the gap! and thats what I have to work on!
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I've told God; It has to be safe! I dont want unsafe people around me! Is it really impossible for God to bring safe people to me; no one exists that is safe; really!
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I dont trust people who have " made it"; they are to shallow for me; the upper middle classes that dont need people like me!
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I like the women of the upper middle classes for their cultural education but not much else! To me; they can be worthless; not all of them! Im simply making a point; to shallow for me! Im to scared of them; I cant complete! and I did not wrong to win that title!
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Im frustrated; Im working with the universe to bring me the right women; but its not just the women; its the approach to the women and interacting! Im not in an environment good for that!
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baggage! She's had one failed marriage; why! of course its his fault; She has 2 kids from that marriage that she has given up on ever really seeing again! So' she finds me; but I dont respond to her. She never tries to find out why I dont respond to her or anyone else; instead; she goes of with another guy, and then another and another! She does like me! Finally, she tries to get my attention but it doesn't work! she still does not humble herself and ask why Im not responding to her! She then gets hit on hard by an Alpha male! OK; fair enough! he wanted what others were getting; he stole her away! still; she allowed it! She later comes up to me and screams in my face for not hitting on her! She is still not looking at herself or her role in anything; and she's doing this while still with this other guy! so; she actually wants to be with this other guy! Her actions speak louder then her words! She goes of with him; has a few kids; after a few years; they are separated; she's back where she started; and now she's looking at me again! And Im like' why!

Should I or should I not! Do I really want any part of this! probably not! I want the relationship but not the baggage!t She had just as much ability to fix the baggage as anyone else! I found God in the recovery process; she did not! she found another man and another and another! And now after this last one is over with; she's looking in my direction again?
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Ive thought; Ok; fair enough; maybe she needs to be loved by someone on her side! still; she's not learning much! 4 kids; neither husband wants her around anymore or around the kids! she feels thrown away! If she really wanted me; non of this would have happened! she did want me; but I never responded to her because I did not like how she hung around nothing but guys all the time! However, She did expect me to date her first and I never show'd up! what does that look like!
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what do I look like! What do I look like when a women likes me! what do I look like when I do not respond to her! When I dont respond to her; how does it look; do they judge me as a weakling! These do! They judged and judged and judged but never found out the truth! One man after the other after the other after the other! They go out with one more relationship; have another set of children by another man; and this goes on n on! and then suddenly when their finished; they turn to me to take an interest! No thanks!


Im so very confused! However, I hear the universe speaking to me that she was never loved by anyone; but I could love her! And I really dont know who she is or what she's about! She has no God and no understanding of such things! its all #######4!
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The point of this writing was to show that I have to learn to walk up and tell a women what I want! I have to show my feelings; Im showing them on this site! the problem is dissociative disorder and how it affects my ability to communicate with people! to respond to the outside world and not just up in through my head!
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I never had a mother or a father!
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Whats best for my condition! My dissociative condition!
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I also believe in love! However, Im not always sure who is being sent to me! Im not naive like before! who do I love! more; who is it that I am falling in love with! is God behind this!
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When Im needy for women; I desperately try to look for any women that is half way cute and start praying about it because she gave me attention and looked at me in a specific way; and Im thinking; she likes me; then I turn toward God and create our relationship in my head about her; I visualize us together! Finally, I see she's at a new place; and Im at a new place; so Im thinking; God brought us together! Soon, I take chances, and introduce myself! Im thinking; I got this! its in the bag; Only to find out later she's secretly in a relationship with someone else and Im being mad a fool of! Hurt and destroyed; I walk away with my personality raped and in confusion! And Ill do this with as many women as I can find! All the wrong women! no one likes me! and I dont get it! I guess Im in love with myself and no one else is! I see myself as a star or God and they see me as nothing but someone to feel sorry for or laugh at or as a court jester! So; Im wondering where I go; if the whole world hates me! Im either alone or dead; that seems the only choice; the rest of the world wants nothing to do with me; and I never did anything to anyone; nothing! Im a sensitive intelligent person!
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Ive had all the wrong women like me! Maybe I want to much! I dont know! if a women cannot see my worth; Im gone! Ive loved women; but they never saw any value in me when I was worth value! thats what is so perplexing to me! What women do I date that will see me; see my worth! who are they!
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Many times Ive worked with the universe with this fear of being alone for the rest of my life; never ever having a relationship with anyone; and I haven't; not with someone I actually liked or wanted to date; nothing!
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I keep working with the universe wondering when she is going to show up! seriously!
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Im working with the universe to go to the places that she would show up; Im trying to help the universe! and still; nothing!
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When a women does show up to what Im interested in; she has such levels of baggage that its hard for me to believe she is safe! I feel insignificant from the start; almost like Im dealing with a predator! When I use the term predator; it simply means; This person is no one to have a relationship with! so; I have to skip that person and wait for another! How long do I wait!
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I have to get my life together before someone shows up! So; its like I dont need them! How long does this last!
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I keep working with the universe; I tell the universe; ask the universe; "Universe"; send me someone! and I wait! and wait and wait and wait! And then they send the wrong person! Their outer shell is OK; the inside of them is like cold hard stardust! And theirs a manipulative quality about them; a kind of predator like feeling! Its a kind of; Im inferior and their superior kind of feeling; a kind of; I am women; king of the jungle! In reality; the king of the jungle is the Lion! In real life; the king of the jungle is man! To have a women do this is perverted and strange; thats how it coms across; it is not very attractive; its bizarre! She simply needs to be put in her place! is that my job or hers!
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So; I have to be thorough on what I want on the inside of this soulmate! and Im now working on this! what do I want! I feel like; dam; how long is this going to take! dam! This is more then just about a girlfriend; its about coming back into society and being part of the present and having a life; not being in isolation!
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Ive been afraid to ask the universe to send me a girl with money; but I dont got any! I guess its OK! its weird! in the old days; a man had to have money to take the girl out for ice cream!
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I have to learn how to talk to a women; tell her how I feel; but the general public has been so hostile toward me with hatred and shallowness; I dont get near any women; I stay away from all of them until I think God has sent someone to me; I feel like Im going to get my arms bit off by the rest! And many of the women I think that are sent to me; Im wrong; they are not sent to me! I make a fool out of myself!
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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