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Taking someone else's happiness

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Dec 12, 2018 3:35 pm

So; I was messed up and still messed up; When I was 14; and in love with the girl next door; I stole her happiness! I created the illusion of trust; I got her trust; and could see that she actually believed she was loved; then I stole it from her! took it; sadistically took it in an act against her; an act of torture! .
When I created this monstrosity against another; the idea was; I had created real happiness for both of us! Well; actually; I did not create it in her; it got created in her because she trusted me; she allowed it to happen! She was sure I was trust worthy! I was not; but I didn't know!
I am trust worthy! I am! Something else went wrong! A severity hit; and I was sunk by that severity! later, I went back to fix it; it was 2 late; "no"?, thats not true!
I turned on her; I went AVPD!
I dissociated into another person; thats what happened! meaning; I was 2 sick to be in a relationship with her! I was trying to escape my past! and it caught up with me; thats the fear of what happened!
What I didn't realize! I had been creating a new future for myself; I could have continued; but I was scared out of it! and I coward out! I was hurt by the people or (monsters) I was living with! I realized; they were monsters all along; and I was no better off in this new place then I had been in the old town I lived in before!
I was heart broken! I did not want a future in this new town; I wanted to go home!
I had been creating a new life for myself in this new town and could have continued! God has brought me this girl; I would have started a new life with her! but I chickened out! I didn't have what it takes to go big time! I hesitated then coward out; looking or a way out! I could not man up to it! so; I manipulated the situation; turned it on her; it was her fault; she was like all the other people that didn't care about me or what happened to me! She was ( bad people); and this gave me the opportunity to turn on her and bolt! the problem was; I didn't want to bolt! I loved her and wanted to stay with her! but another part of me more powerful then the good part of me took over; this was a personality of anger and rage and hostility!
Even when writing this; I cant come to the truth! Im still looking for scapegoats! I wish I could just call it what it is! I ruined her future on purpose! I ruined my own! Despicable act! And She's not involved in it! I was a predator looking to hurt someone! Their it is! Its close! I found someone to abuse! I was abused; now; I trusted no one. That was the greatest philosophy I came up with; I trust no-one! Well; this didn't work concerning this girl! She was trust worthy! and Ive tried in every direction in my mind to make her out to be everything other then trust worthy; so I can justify my behavior! and I cant get anywhere! I got caught! thats what happened; I got caught hurting someone innocent! I was a criminal! thats what was happening! and I was turning into!
I wanted to act like a tuff guy; so I found a victim to abuse; I couldn't be trusted; not with her! even tho I started to created a relationship with her; and it worked; and this scared me! I did not want or have the responsibility for a real relationship! How could I be a victim if I become responsible!
Heres my point; I cheated her or cheated on her! I could not be trusted with someones life; with their emotions! I sold her out! got rid of her for a cheap thrill of manipulation; just like a coward and a criminal! And when I found I could not take it back! thats when I started getting scared!

ITs like stealing from someone and then getting caught and having to face jail time! suddenly, I get scarred and want to take it back because I have to do jail time!
I could not be trusted with what I had! However, I could be trusted with what I had; if I had just a bit more self esteem! My self esteem had been ruined previously to the moment I turned on her!
I was turning on my future; not just the girl! but more importantly; why do I have no conscious about the girl! Suddenly, I see her as a distant object and not a human being! she becomes De personalization! I see her as a character on a TV screen; not as anything Im connected to! I disconnect from her and use her as the scape goat for why! I coward out on my dreams! On making it big as a person in this life! Why! I just wanted to go home! go back to my childhood and do it over!
I was pulled out of my childhood and destroyed! I did not want to go forward in a relationship with this girl; she was not inline with my childhood or who I was or who I was 2 become! She was an altered road ; a road created by circumstances out of my control! if I went with her; Id be furthering myself from the possibility of going home again to my original childhood I once had!
The problem is; this girl was sent by God for a new relationship! This was someone I could trust! I should have told her all these things and worked with her on it! and thats whats missing! My ability to trust a new person with all my stuff; taken a chance on a new relationship! And yet; God brought that new relationship for me to grow into and start a new life!
Im still struggling with trusting anyone in a new relationship; even if they are trust worthy! Ive been scared to created new relationships of trust and moving forward! I have to man up and try an move forward!
Sometimes; a guy has to create a new story for himself and act upon it! Not revert back into an 8 year old child expecting his parents to show up an fix him!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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