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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Taking responsibility for self and working with God

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Oct 26, 2017 10:32 am

Its not possible to take responsibility for full self; Im a spiritual person, God has to take care of most of it; I have to learn to turn to God and stay out off the rest! I depend on God!
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What I need are new thoughts and to concentrate on thoughts; new thoughts, new ways to think, and putting my focus on what makes me feel good, not what makes me feel broken and sad! And that is allot of work!
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I have to process as well! As I wake up from the past, I wake up from nothing! I had nothing! As I get more awake I see what happened; its not good! and not what I planned! No one likes to look back at their life and realize they got nowhere and went nowhere because abusers took advantage of them when young; the whole world took advantage of me when young; and the same type of people would do it again now if they could get away with it! I have to concentrate on God and what I want out of life!
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Its horrible to see what my so called friends did to me! they were never my friends; and as soon as I can understand this or deal with this, things will go better, I wont expect so much from them! In fact, I still act like they are a " them"; their is no " them"; their is no-one! I was completely alone in a dream world because of childhood! I was neglected out of existence! Their was no existence! I was simply waiting to be thrown away! I was exploited and used and then thrown away; thats are their is! people created me to use me and leave! And when they left, they gathered up their belongings, sold everything and left without a care in the world; I was left with no one! These are truly monsters! After this; no one claims to have known me! and when I went to live with friends; they were no friends; they acted as if they had never met me and were doing me a favor as a foster child in the system! I did not get it at first! Now I get it! they were never friends of mine in the first place and never wanted me around! I had no value to anyone! I did not know; they lied and fooled me! Even my best friend lied and fooled me! He was not my best friend; he was never a friend of mine! certainly his family was never friends of mine! The more I work on this stuff the better; its like getting poison out of my system! I had no idea what was going on! I was sharing my life with psychopaths, watching Television with them, planning as if I was being taken care of! All of it was a front; nothing more! I was with a bunch of losers that no one wanted to be around; they would purposely show up at their relatives homes or events un invited; they would bring me but not tell me we were actually uninvited; it was like going to strangers houses to eat dinner when they didnt want us! I never knew; because no one cared what I knew or didnt know!
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I got away with being in the school system when in nursery school, 1st and 2nd grade! after that, things started to break down; no one was watching me or taking care of me or my schooling, I had to; and that did not work; things got harder and harder and more confusing! a small child cant take care of themselves and know what to do! The adults that were suppose to look after me did not exist; in their place were psychopaths using me and exploiting me until the day they leave; and they had planned all this before I was born! They simply had their thrills and left; no different then a rapist having their thrills with someone they took hostage!
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Im now understanding that I have to take responsibility for my life; their is no one else to do it! and I have to work with God and learn to trust God for the remainder of my time on earth! So, working with God and the Universe is key to my suvival! no-one else cares!
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I have to work with God on where I want to be and who I want to be around! what type of people!
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Whats best for me!

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Im around recovery people in general; these people dont really know me or care! Its worked to wake up me; I guess thats what it was suppose to do!
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Its hard taking responsibility for my life; no one ever has! No one has cared or really cared to know the real me! no one! A girl when young for a few months, that was all! soon, she turned on me and left me; in a sense!
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When I force you to have to know me in order to decide if you like me and you leave?! Thats means, theirs nothing their! I shouldn't have to force you to do anything; if you want to like me you can, but you have to know who your with! I mean, Im not an abject just to take care of you! you have to know who I am; give me credit for who I am! Not just use me!
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Looking back at women I loved; it seemed like they liked the love but didnt care who was giving it to them! I was like a care giver, when the giving stopped, they moved on! They didnt care who I was! They looked at me like I was a weakling that broke down and they moved on, and wrote me off as a retard! or laughing stock!
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So, I have to work with God on who is suppose to be around me! What Im suppose to do with my life! I had my childhood pulled out from under me; inside out! and the people one would call mother/father, they left with no forwarding address; one might say! They were just using me, they didn't care if they ever saw me again! it was all a nightmare! and I would like to wake up from this nightmare!
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One problem has been fear! When I was forced to be around these filth day after day after day; after I realized what they were; they had control of my life and dismantled it! dat after day after day, using me and throwing me away, I might as well not even have a name, I was an object!
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The community was no different; they took the side of the psychopaths in form and function and spirit! If their is a God in heaven, these scum; this whole community is going to hell! all of them; murder's! and no conscious about it! They take advantage of children because they cant take advantage of adults, the adults wouldn't let them!
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So, now, its my work to slowly turn things to God and work with God as to why Im on this planet!
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I know several people that are dead; they refused to stay here and killed themselves! intelligent well educated people! They refused to be part of this; instead, they turned back into energy and are out in space universe!
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Im not sure why Im here, what God has in mind for me! I would like to get better; take full responsibility for myself and meet better people; be at a better place in life! Be at a better location; believe I can be at a better location and that the universe is on my side!
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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