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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm

I aught to keep a trauma meter; Where am I from 0-10 concerning trauma in my life right now; Most of the problem I have with trauma is collecting more of it or being triggered by bad people because Im in freeze mode; and Im not aware and walking away; Im about 50% of what I used to be; but its not enough freedom to clear myself from those who trigger me or control me; narcs or sociopaths; or what ever; controllers. I freeze up and deal with them instead of walk away from them.
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I learned along time ago and I keep learning; walk away from them; you cant win; ever; unless one is ready to go to war; if not; leave; pull back; pull out. They want to get into it with me if they can.
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So; I have to learn to go to the other side of the room or the world.
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My trauma is getting better; meaning disappearing or more life is taking over my mind where it used to be warped; or something like that. Ive got more n more desires to be present and do things I like to do.
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Im looking forward to being the person I always wanted to be and doing the things I always wanted to do. and loving the things I always loved; not having to bury my feelings because of loss created by someone else. Im slowly coming out of my shell and doing and seeing the things I always wanted to be or have.

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Not having parents is a horrible things; being destroyed by them and or orphaned by them for no other reason then a whim. They were sociopath/psychopath; so; what can you do...
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The point is; Im slowly working my way out of trauma into a life again. And its slowly showing up; it will get better.
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The real deep anger and dissociation and what makes me go numb is being suddenly dropped off into nothingness as a kid; it was done on purpose. I had nowhere to go; it was a death call or death blow to anyone; but a child? doing this to a child? So; Im now trying to pick up the pieces and start over with what I remember of the good things of my life at the time; the silent things I kept to myself no one knew about.
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Im slowly getting those things back into my life. My goal is to do the things I like to do that make me feel good and nothing else. its like saying; Im getting the old me back; the real me; and thats whats happening; and Im working with the universe.
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Im finding; what do I want and hold on to it.
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Ive found one thing about people; what level of people do I want to associate with and hold on to it; if Im intelligent and middle class and educated; then, thats who I need to associate with; they have my values; I dont have their immaturity.
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So; the next step is; and thats what Im working on; one area is to avoid people I know are trouble.
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So; I would like to explain it more. I want to do nothing but the things that make me feel good and nothing else; focus on nothing else; thats what Im learning.
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Im learning; the things I want to be apart of; they are higher level; not guttural or street level or free; it will take some work; I have to work through the trauma of being thrown away. thats a hard sick thing; Ill have to work with the universe; I think it can be done. it hurts horrible. I have to replace that situation with new stuff to focus on. Its a horrible thing; it is.....



Lets talk about the Jetsons; I love that show; that cartoon show from the 60's; 1962 - 1982?
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What is it about the Jetsons that I love. I was watching a re run of one of the shows and I loved how it made me feel; what is it about the show; what moments in the show do I love; I want to live like the Jetsons; but what does that mean; what do they have that I want to hang on to; how do I feel; what feelings are they associated with; what scenes; what does it mean; am I secure; do I need education to live like the jetsons; money; what is it; how would I feel if I was living that life; the life I love and want to live. What would it look like. When I watch the Jestons I feel a certain way; If I could define whats causing me to feel good when watching the jetsons; what scenes are causing this great feeling and why?
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If you take my mother out of the picture from the beginning; And its just my father and my mother serving me but not trying to destroy me; If they are taken out of the picture; then what. What kind of life am I building; and I will still need their love; but in a subserving way. I need to be served as a child; taken care of; loved, fed and then left to my own devices to create my world; and thats the kind of life Im going to imagine that I came from and continue it; Altho it did not exist that way; my life; it was at the beginnings of such things.
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My goal now is to figure out what it is about the Jetsons show that I like; admit it; admit thats what I want for my life; get inline with it; figure out what it looks like and feels like and stay with that; stay at that high level. and stay with it; at that high level with those thoughts of a high level; transferring my thoughts to that high level thinking and keep it their; and allow new thoughts at that level to develop.
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Im looking at doing the things during the day that I love. I got a science fiction book to read.
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I would like to be creative; write, make music and art. I would like to; Im blocked because of flash backs. but Im getting better. but not good enough; Im wanting to rewrite my past story into something that is more inline with feeling protected and creative and expressing that creativity.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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