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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Symptoms

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:44 am

This blog is not about my symptoms.. Its about how others view my symptoms or judge me according to outside appearance instead of who I am as a person... They view me through symptoms..

People never see the real me... Few do, ... many arrogant middle class people see nothing.. There only looking at themselves... I suppose its part of my journey to go through them and there controlling ways... It is part of my journey that I grow upward or though...

Its unfortunate : I have many things to work through to let go of my past... I have a past based on those with no conscious judging me brutally... I have lived an authentic brutal life.. One that almost killed me... Its as if I was a freedom fighter in a civil war... I was psychologically wounded and was put on leave for the remainder of the time... Its been a strange life..

My mind is returning to me I think in very slow strange ways... No way to confirm this.. I take it day by day...

I am permanently disabled through the PTSD Dissociative aspect of the anxiety disorder. The question is: will my memories return of who I am. Will I reconnect... Will I destroy the remaining pull of resentments and humiliations I have encountered from the brutal experiences I have been forced to endure...

I am a human-being who has been surrounded and brought up by sociopaths... The damage of this horrified nightmare killed me and has left my nervous system and mind destroyed. My mind is very cautiously and slowly returning to me.... It must be completely cleared out and the past gone if I am to move forward.. I want nothing of the past that destroyed me... Or remembrance of those that betrayed me and betrayed the one who sent me...

There are those who may be innocent that I will not be seeing again.. It hurts.. I don't mean to take it out on them.. They will have to get the help they need and fend for themselves... Its not my fault that they have not work hard on there recovery... Most wont admit that they need a recovery process. They will end up alone in the cold with darkness and gnashing of teeth...

I pray first of all things and ask God what he wants me to do.. The message Im getting is that Ive given all the invitations Im going to give... There are no takers.. No one is interested in me... So it is time to leave.... Im fine with this... I have done what God wanted... Those people from my past shall be a memory and there lives and history with it... God is tired of it and tired of them... They have gotten in his way as much as in my way to finish the things he sent me to do on this earth... Im going to guess that some of those things Im suppose to do are humanitarian.. I assuming it has something to do with this.. With saving children and people... Something like that. I don't know..



It was like being trafficked. That is the best way to describe my life. I was stolen and put into slavery then thrown away into nothingness... I was taught not to think for myself or take any actions that I was not given permission... I was taught that I would be abandon if I stood up for myself or acted out in a way that would show self protection... I was a slave for all intended purposes.. I was controlled by others... And, I was so sick mentally from the PTSD problems that I could not move or respond... I am lucky to have been found or discovered and helped, or I would have died... Its a shame that someone has to go through this... And it is very strange to make any sense out of it... This is not the direction I wanted to go as a boy.... I had no say so in the matter... I did not know the kind of scum I was living with... I had literally no idea... I had a family member try to warn me when I was very young... I had no idea what he was talking about... later I would find out, it would be to late...

I am still judged by the surrounding peoples with a negative prejudice... I had to spend almost thirty years of my life in silence... all in my head, learning to tell no one how I felt or what my life was like... now that I have a second chance to live.. I do not bother with the people around me... They do not impress me... I tell them nothing about the real me... This frustrates people as they want a piece of me... They will not get a piece of me.. I will stay true to myself .. I will not be fooled by the silly locals... they understand nothing...

my mind is very weak... it comes and goes.. its much like the tide of the ocean... it goes in, it recedes... the edge of reality is a warn torn battle field that was blown up long ago... disfigured, it rarely works well... shuts down randomly... I have no control over it.. .It is a place of no protection and mass PTSD screens... It is a place of pain, violence and fear...

Im OK........

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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