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Consumer 6
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- May 2020
The idea of never dating women ever again
   Sun May 31, 2020 4:49 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 24, 2014 6:01 am

Now what? I head slowly onward. I don't work; not yet! Possibly volunteer somewhere; maybe. It has to be something of integrity or Im not getting involved.

Deeper part of my mind is ruptured; and it is this part and because of this that I see God, and see Gods light, for I cannot see the world, my mind has been ruptured.

Im not the pure helper type. Im not a girl; no disrespect! Im a man! and I am a leader! Im not interested in leading the wrong group of men! Im not interested in leading anything! I just want to lead myself and trust God and stay away from everyone else.

I need help! Tonight a person was talking about; If you don't go after your dream or hour hearts desire, you are committing spiritual suicide. And I can attest to this idea of of committing spiritual suicide. Ive committed this suicide many times.

So, who am I and who am I suppose to be; Im not sure! I will have to inventory this. I have to trust God and keep working with God.

I need to heal up. I get low ball attacks all day long from one direction to the other. IT never stops. ITs complete hatred and contempt. Im not strong enough to withstand stuff.

Had an interesting experience with a women today! She is a beautiful young women that floored me. I am deeply attracted to her! so much, that it stunned me! my first wish is to never see her again or be in the same building. for 6 months Ive been dealing with her at different times, Ive hated it. And I can see she is uncomfortable with my immaturity. She does not know me personally, and does not want to know me!
Today, I had to confront her face to face. usually I ignore her! I will not look at her close up! Today I had to stand my ground and look at her! Its was truly horrible. It was despicable. But I am learning about the social world; not everyone likes me or respects me or honers me or cares. Not everyone values me or wants to!
I had to stand in front of a very beautiful women, face to face, and see her eyes! she was uncomfortable being this close to me! I was uncomfortable being close to her! She is not attracted to me and wanted to move me along. She was friendly and polite and nothing more!

It felt good to face her. Possibly in the future it will make it easier to face her again and not blame her for my feelings.
I was so attracted to her that it was none of her business and none of mine. And it was wrong to show any of this to someone in a business situation that was doing there job. So, I had my hands full dealing with this personal situation.

But today, I dealt with the worst of it. And Im getting used to her and her face! It just scared me, she was so pretty and deeply beautiful; and I was so bashful and uncomfortable. And today I was forced to face these characteristics of self.

And I think this was a God thing! And it may be easier to talk to pretty girls; easter then before!

Im mad, but its Ok. She does not have to be attracted to me, and she is still nice. ITs an interesting situation. And Im getting used to it! or used to looking at her pretty smiling face without freaking out! Im being forced close up to look at her!

Being myself. I seem to think I have it going on! But I have to go back to the regular rules again! How many people have I asked out! How much real practice with conversations. I have been saying hello! At some point it moves to the next level.

So, I have to get my priorities strait once more! get grounded again and start over.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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