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Suicidal thoughts of giving up; but I wont; its fear

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Sep 28, 2019 1:20 pm

Im getting hit with fear; over whelming fear; its exhausting; Im outside all the time and I have agoraphobia. I used to hide all the time so I have to remember this. I can take only so much " outside". the outside world. After awhile it starts to get to me and I have to go into my cave. Im stronger then I used to be; and Im getting better I guess. The fear; Im seeing it as fear and this comes from the deepest part of me; I see it coming from sexual abuse; that time period I was trapped and controlled; kidnapped would be a better word for it. What do you call a situation where a child has no choice of where they live; they have to live with abusers or molesters; I would call this kidnapping; same thing... And the psychopaths planned this; they knew ever detail of what they were doing and how it would unfold. They wanted to capture and entrap children. I was never safe from the first day I was born; nothing.
Im trying to work through the PTSD surrounding this; that I can come out of the flashbacks; for the most part its happening but its exhausting; I get suicidal; So I have to back off; I hate it when I hit these walls. I can't go beyond them and then I freak out. flip out. My mind gives up... And I get frustrated and mad. I just want to give up; but I wont or I don't. When I see the ptsd; I feel like nothing has changed... Im not safe no matter where I go.
Im looking for new social connection; part of me is at this point of change or re connection with more cultured educated people; that gap is lessoning.... Im at that point. So at least I see what it feels like to watch a gap heal or shore up inside me.
Ive noticed I never tried to get to safe places socially; I just accepted where I was at and stayed their; learned helplessness; trauma bonded..... something like that. Im trying to wake up out of the abuse of the past...
Ive been getting stronger around people; giving my opinion to them; an opinion that might piss them off or start a fight. Ive noticed this several times; Im starting to have a voice; I have to watch who I do this with; talk to; I can have it slammed back into my face....
So; I have to watch it; keep working with the universe.
Another problem or area of concerning; the damaged person from trauma attracting sociopaths and I attract my share of them. I want to finish what started along time ago in my life and Im still attracting sociopaths to take my anger out on but they always win; and I have to learn this; I go into freeze mode around them; they trap me verbally with commands; they command me and I don't stand up to them or walk away; I go into freeze mode and do what they say through intimidation. I don't know how to stand up to them nor do I want to; Ive tried in the past; they brush it off; its like it never bothered them; they aren't listening; I learned a long time ago to walk away; but sometimes I like to hang out places. And they are in those places and those places are the only places I have to go for recovery and I need to feel like a child and be safe and recover....
Another problem is isolation. Its important when breaking isolation to find the right kind of people; no sociopathic types; I have to look out for this problem. I attract them...
So; I have to work with the universe for changes to occur.
I get hit with bad thoughts when riding my bike to the store; the longer journey alone outside; I hate it; having to deal with it again. I almost refused to ride my bike anymore to the store; I thought about taking the bus but at the same time; and I mean to the store not around town because I hate the journey because of the thoughts that come up. anyway; I get hit with flashbacks and then Im intolerant and just want to die.. it comes on me fast with no toleration; nothing; I get suicidal quickly; what's the point; Im trying to break through; why wont the universe help me.... I feel alone... completely alone; stuck... what's the point. It scares me; I get scared because I get suicidal again; I don't like being triggered; and I don't like it being in this space all alone exposed...
I hate it; being exposed....
Anyway; other things have happened that are good; Im getting into hobbies; things between the ages of 10 and 15; Ill see if Im ready for them or not...
Ive been throwing the football; this is a stage from ages 12 to 13; a very most important stage and its required that I move forward and interact with people; but its the 12 year old fighting to interact and that causes fear of the unknown and I can get suicidal and or remember being suicidal over it from the past and that scares me that I will become suicidal again; and Im pissed that this happens because I want recovery and not to be in this level anymore.
So; Im getting into hobbies and learning how to handle the negatives that come up; Ive been using tapping again; its been working.. so; Im grateful for that...
Its like hitting 2 different worlds; Im moving into the hobby stage; 11 to 13. Im re living it; and hopefully the right way. And Im re living the horror and fear and humiliation of the original time period between 11 and 13.
Ive also continued with meditation; but with PTSD or CPTSD; it sucks to do meditation; its better then it used to be; its easier.. but still. I have to make myself do it over n over; but I get exhausted from it and quit...
So; and Im learning that everything is in my head; Im not actually seeing the outside world; Im seeing what's in my head; a representation of the outside world; Ive been able to no this for a while now; but its still been taking over my mind; Im just able to see the edges of the PTSD and now its in my head and its a lie.... its not what's really goin on outside of me...
As for women; Im not at that stage yet. I have to have a mans brain for dating; but I still have a Childs brain and only focus on what the child wants; going out to the lawn and playing football.
So; as for development; Im onto the next level of development;
IVe gone from the lego stage into the football stage; this football stage consists of the desire to walk out of the play room onto the lawn; call a friend; and go play football catch; mainly catch with the football; it requires something different then legos; it requires a new toy or sport prop; a football. And it requires another person and it requires I ask that person to go play catch with the football. Its a more intelligent choice; in a sense; a more adult brain usage... From the child brain to the adult brain.
In between the child brain and the adult brain is the hobby period; from age 10 to 14 or 15. This includes rock tumbling, painting and drawing. Estes Rockets. rock climbing or hiking. Camping hiking trip. model building, football throwing or football, baseball throwing, basket ball... At a level of personal curiosity. I can get interested in basket ball; fool around with the ball but not play on a team. Also, synthesizers and science hobby kits; computer programming; video games to another level .
I may not be the type that wants to play on any teams; in fact; Im not the type.. but for some; thats what they like to do. Being in plays is another area. ..... However, I see this as a hobby period; first lego period, then hobby period; and adult brain period begins.
For me its more basic. its moving from the lego period to the football throwing period.
So; I bought a football and I prayed about it and waited. I hated the waiting period; I assumed the universe would show up with the right people. I had to wait and I got mad And I realized that this was a time period of darkness and blankness; black out. So; when I attempted to expect the universe to show up with someone to throw the football; I had no idea who that would be and had to visualize a dark figure for this; someone I couldn't see. and I visualized and it happened; I had to walk up to people I know and ask them; Do you want to play catch with the football if I bring one? I asked several people; and Ive been successful; I played catch; thus; the next level begins.
This is not easy level from 12 to 13; this is a boys Brain to the beginning of a mans brain and this time period was destroyed for me; mangled with sexual abuse; abandonment and fear; real fear, real abandonment and no warning for it; nothing; I was used and then suddenly thrown away; no one talked to me or cared that I was born; I was nothing more then a human object. I had no idea it was coming; never thought it possible; did not know who I was living with.
So; working through this horrible time period is scary and delicate. Ive already had problems. Ive dealt with a sociopath a few of them and some arrogant people. These are not the people I want to associate with.... Im not sure where else to go. So; I must learn; others in society that wont hurt me; Id like to meet them; I guess they exist.
Its hard for me to take chances with people. Anyway; Im working through this time period. ITs going to be good and ill have to see it as good and work through the bad of the past and see where all this goes.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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