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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1029)
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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success

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Apr 18, 2019 4:33 pm

Im learning about success and what it takes to become successful; successful at anything; How to go from a reader or learner to a believer and achiever. And, altho, it sounds a bit simple and plastic; its true; from reader and curiosity seeker to learner to believer to achiever; its about the process; how willing am I to do something with my curiosity; what direction do I want to go; am I willing to go a bit deeper and allow my curiosity to stick around for awhile until I find a hook on the other side of that river thats causing the gap; am I willing to row that boat a little further to see whats closer to the other shore; am I willing to allow myself to take a long enough chance to get excited about something; and with that excitement; the momentum that will build within the unknown; will I allow this. Will I go the extra few feet for this to happen. I am allowing this; Im working to allow this; that I dont shut down.
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I used to shut down; I shut down in 7th grade completely; I was alone being bullied; no one cared about me; I didnt exist. I shut down and never came out of it.
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Im trying to come out of it now.
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IT bothers me that I dont remember 6th grade; I was forced to live with one of the psychopaths in an another city; a horrible nightmare of rain and darkness and strangers; in a big black city. I dont remember any of it; I flunked out the whole year. I was being bullied from the first day I arrived. Looking back on it; thats what the sociopaths look for; new kids to feed on. I know; I went through this numerous times; in complete shock; my schooling was ruined the first hour I arrived at those schools. I was never the same and never trusted anything or anyone ever again in those places; nor could I function in those places; ever again. Or in that structure or setting.
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I dont remember; only the bully names squarel at the beginning of the year; and my mother the psychopath; I remember her a few times; and being on that lonely rocked inlet; alone; looking at the sky in a state of constant traumatic shock.
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I dont remember it; And I was sexually abused after that, the new place I had to live. No father anymore; he was a sociopath; he was trying to get out of this family system when I turned 7; that was his plan. He used everything and everyone; conned them; then split. I was 2 young to understand anything that was happening; that I was being exploited or used; but they planned it that way; they wanted to get their kicks playing house; but in a few years; they tired of such things; and moved on to other lives. I was forgotten or uncared about because I was never cared about in the first place; I just imagined I was; by imagining, I could rationalize that everything was OK. That I had a home and parents and a house and a yard and a friend who lived up the street and a neighborhood and a school and a home town and a church and relatives and a structured future and going to college and football games and acting and many other good things; school parties and beach parties. But that never happened; nothing ever happened; instead; I was destroyed for good from the beginning.
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I used everything I could to try to live and make sense out of my young life; I used TV shows as an example of what to expect from my environment; as I had no one that actually showed me what to expect from that environment.
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Success; Im heading toward it; Its about the process. If I stick to the process long enough; I begin to get stronger in the process. As I get stronger; new strength gives me the power to turn and face my objective; learn to visualize grabbing hold of my objective and hanging on. Once I’ve established that I can and will hang on; soon; Ill want to hang on; Ill get used to my new found imagination; living in it; breathing in it; comfortable with my new environment that was created in my imagination!
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I have to see myself in this new place; this new environment. I have to feel safe and good and comfortable in it; realizing; Im never going back to the old one.
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Im working on it; by visualizing; soon, or later, what ever it takes; I start building a new life within my imagination; and then; it starts to show up around me!
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what is out in front of me is what I think about. if I want my environment to change; I must change what Im thinking about. If I can completely change what Im thinking about and my beliefs; change them into something new; the universe must create or put me into a new place that is equal with what Im thinking about; its the law; universal law.
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PTSD and visualization; I have CPTSD. so; its torturous and long ptsd; deep; horrible. and yet; I must visualize grasping and being apart of things up close; this causes much PTSd and dissociation and flash backs; massive amounts of flash backs and PTSD rage. However, Im doing it anyway.

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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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