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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1138)
- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Apr 18, 2019 4:33 pm

Im learning about success and what it takes to become successful; successful at anything; How to go from a reader or learner to a believer and achiever. And, altho, it sounds a bit simple and plastic; its true; from reader and curiosity seeker to learner to believer to achiever; its about the process; how willing am I to do something with my curiosity; what direction do I want to go; am I willing to go a bit deeper and allow my curiosity to stick around for awhile until I find a hook on the other side of that river thats causing the gap; am I willing to row that boat a little further to see whats closer to the other shore; am I willing to allow myself to take a long enough chance to get excited about something; and with that excitement; the momentum that will build within the unknown; will I allow this. Will I go the extra few feet for this to happen. I am allowing this; Im working to allow this; that I dont shut down.
I used to shut down; I shut down in 7th grade completely; I was alone being bullied; no one cared about me; I didnt exist. I shut down and never came out of it.
Im trying to come out of it now.
IT bothers me that I dont remember 6th grade; I was forced to live with one of the psychopaths in an another city; a horrible nightmare of rain and darkness and strangers; in a big black city. I dont remember any of it; I flunked out the whole year. I was being bullied from the first day I arrived. Looking back on it; thats what the sociopaths look for; new kids to feed on. I know; I went through this numerous times; in complete shock; my schooling was ruined the first hour I arrived at those schools. I was never the same and never trusted anything or anyone ever again in those places; nor could I function in those places; ever again. Or in that structure or setting.
I dont remember; only the bully names squarel at the beginning of the year; and my mother the psychopath; I remember her a few times; and being on that lonely rocked inlet; alone; looking at the sky in a state of constant traumatic shock.
I dont remember it; And I was sexually abused after that, the new place I had to live. No father anymore; he was a sociopath; he was trying to get out of this family system when I turned 7; that was his plan. He used everything and everyone; conned them; then split. I was 2 young to understand anything that was happening; that I was being exploited or used; but they planned it that way; they wanted to get their kicks playing house; but in a few years; they tired of such things; and moved on to other lives. I was forgotten or uncared about because I was never cared about in the first place; I just imagined I was; by imagining, I could rationalize that everything was OK. That I had a home and parents and a house and a yard and a friend who lived up the street and a neighborhood and a school and a home town and a church and relatives and a structured future and going to college and football games and acting and many other good things; school parties and beach parties. But that never happened; nothing ever happened; instead; I was destroyed for good from the beginning.
I used everything I could to try to live and make sense out of my young life; I used TV shows as an example of what to expect from my environment; as I had no one that actually showed me what to expect from that environment.
Success; Im heading toward it; Its about the process. If I stick to the process long enough; I begin to get stronger in the process. As I get stronger; new strength gives me the power to turn and face my objective; learn to visualize grabbing hold of my objective and hanging on. Once I’ve established that I can and will hang on; soon; Ill want to hang on; Ill get used to my new found imagination; living in it; breathing in it; comfortable with my new environment that was created in my imagination!
I have to see myself in this new place; this new environment. I have to feel safe and good and comfortable in it; realizing; Im never going back to the old one.
Im working on it; by visualizing; soon, or later, what ever it takes; I start building a new life within my imagination; and then; it starts to show up around me!
what is out in front of me is what I think about. if I want my environment to change; I must change what Im thinking about. If I can completely change what Im thinking about and my beliefs; change them into something new; the universe must create or put me into a new place that is equal with what Im thinking about; its the law; universal law.
PTSD and visualization; I have CPTSD. so; its torturous and long ptsd; deep; horrible. and yet; I must visualize grasping and being apart of things up close; this causes much PTSd and dissociation and flash backs; massive amounts of flash backs and PTSD rage. However, Im doing it anyway.


Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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