April 2024
March 2024
Trigger warning; Sex or the lack of getting any of it is brought up"
.
I like it here; Its easy on this site to understand everyone; fit in so naturally.
.
I was looking at a picture from a women who friended me on Facebook. Shes married and had a few Kids..
.
I remember her because she wanted me for a long time and I would have married her... But I refused to get involved with her. I made excuses; blamed it on her; But the truth was; I couldn't live up to what I thought she saw... I was a scared little kid inside. She asked me to be with her; I refused; I turned her down?
.
In this picture of this women is another women; 2 people her and another women; The other women wanted to sleep with me; I hit on her Hard Like an alpha shark; Like the way I was trained. She gave me a false number; But 2 weeks later was back hovering around me after the ideas were spinning around in that squirrel cage in her brain. She offered it to me; I just sat their stunned; traumatized; re traumatized; She wasn't the problem; I felt like a little child actor who was throwing adult topics on the table; once actually answered; someone answer it; I run off scared and wanted to run to my room and hide. I did nothing; I did not sleep with her; I clamped down inside and went home. I just Walked away. I stopped from trauma. Or; from feeling like I was nobody and worthless and not good enough to give sex or to have sex? I was scared; frightened. And I went through this with numerous women; I feel like a wierdo after saying that.. I feel strange. Anyway; maybe I felt like a adult little kid who was hitting on this adult women. I thought at first it was just relationships I was afraid of; but also sex? terrified me. Sexual abuse is part of this terror from the past.
Id not be good enough or they would leave the next morning and I would feel hurt and destroyed from abandonment; and Ive been through so much abandonment that I just couldn't take the chance of pain; and I didnt want anyone to through me away; or know this Alpha male was a human being. Looking back; all the women offered themselves to me from this specific group; Just about all of them tried; no one got anywhere. I refused.. I didnt feel good enough; and I was scared; like a little boy. Soon; no one took me seriously anymore; no reason to hit on any of the women for a serious relationship at that point; rep ruined. Maybe not; Maybe I never really told them the truth. Never really sat down with them and talked to them; maybe thats what I was afraid of.. I didnt feel good enough to talk to them; they would by like my mother and I would be discarded and thrown away.
.
As I write this stuff; answers come to me...
.
What do I see; I see myself walking into a group of people I didnt belong in and playing games with them; not taking any of them seriously; I just wanted to F__k around with them; play games with them then leave... I didnt have a life anyway; whats the difference... Just me playing games. But skipping sex; What happened to me.
.
What happened to me that I have no interest in sex with women; I do but its repressed horribly; My man hood is represent. I see sensual abuse and has a culprit of the sexual repression. Ill have to get help with that.
A man touching me before a women did; this freaked me out completely left me with no self respect; actually pure terror and fear and confusion. And it still does; and rage and hurt to the core... And someone getting into my core completely without my permission... That is a big issue.. And Im mentally ill because of it... horribly... And I let the wrong people around me. Is like I through myself away and who ever shows up on that journey is who I associate with.. Its causing dissociation...
.
So; Im dissociating when dealing with all of this or writing about it or talking about it.
\.
.
I ws never initiated into sex; I mean; it never happened. I was never initiated into it. I feel like I was left out of something. I was socialized into sex; nothing; I was never socialized into anything. Im like a little kid in front of the TV screen; thats all ive ever been...
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: ArbreMonde, Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Kaleb28
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Stuff about sex; and not allowing sex
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 2.855s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.03
Time : 2.855s | 25 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.03