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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Signs of handling reality
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Strong enough to see reality!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Apr 13, 2018 9:51 am

Im in this small town; Im ending up much like the day I got here; alone! no friends! nothing! I know a few people from the 12 step groups Ive gone to; not much more; Its a closed place! you can sit outside the neighborhoods and be all alone; never see anything or anyone; its a closed place!
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The people in this small town; the ones Ive met; typical little town like you see in the old movies!
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I never fit in here!
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However, strongly enough, I finish here much like I started! accept Im better off! Im alive.
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Where do I go from here; I dont know; I will work with God on this!
God wanted to keep me alive; I had to deal with mental health issues; I still have them; Im more used to them now!
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As for women; Nothing!
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Ive never really known any women in this town; they've been closed off to those with more money! Ive been apart of nothing! ITs as if I dont exist!
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So, I have to work with God and find out what will make me happy in my life! I assume their will never be any women! its a pipe dream! thats how I see it! I can continue to work on it!
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Most of the women Ive met are stuck up; you couldn't get near them!
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I never knew as a child it would be like this!
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I have to remember; I have mental health issues and no one is interested in me! I couldn't work! Im not suggesting its over completely for me! However, Ive never had a girlfriend! Ive never had anyone take notice of me! and no one cares!
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I do allot of thinking and imagining! Ive imagined that women like me; Ive imagined a whole world within my head! In the real world; non of this exists! no one liked me or saw me for who I am! Im not sure the people I thought liked me; Im not sure they were ever thinking about me in the first place! Im not sure they were ever thinking any positive thoughts about me!
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I would see a women; she was attractive; she would come up and talk to me because she wanted something; I would assume she liked me! I would become defensive and ignore her! I would not trust her! later, much later, when I felt safe; I might attempt to say hello; but this time she writes me off! I may see her still, at a later date! I pull her to the side and talk to her! she's shallow and says nothing deep! later, I see her, she seems arrogant; and this is the women I think likes me! I have no idea if this women thinks anything of me! I realize; this women has not really shown any interest in me! In my mind; I want to create the situation that she does; in my mind! in reality; nothing like this exists; she's not a friend of mine; never was; never will be!

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Im finally coming out of this process and understanding where I am and what has happened; just another dissociate dream; Im lucky I have something to eat!
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In this small town; Ive gone through therapist that through me away; no conscious about it; nothing! dont care! They think Im worthless or scum! welcome to small towns!
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What I see in my head; others dont! Im in my own world! Im not accepted; Im not noticed!
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Where do I go from here! I dont know! I have to work with God on this; use the laws of attraction!
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Ive asked God; is their no women anywhere that could like me! no one? Ive called out to the universe to bring them to me; nothing! dry as an oyster bed! nothing! could the universe not find one person on planet earth that could like me! no one?
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My social skills are not good! it takes me several months to get used to a person before I feel safe! its very hard in the beginning breaking the ice with someone!
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I dont know any quality people! the people in the 12 step groups; I dont know them! not really! Im a stranger their! they dont know me and dont care!

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Ive gone to these recovery rooms for recovery; not socializing! socializing in these places never worked for me; I never wanted to be their; I had no other place to go!
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I seriously feel like leaving this little town; Ill have to talk to God about it; I dont know where Id go! I have no idea! I have no family or friends!
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Im trying to get over distant relatives that live in this town where I live; they are strangers and no friends of mine! They are sociopathic; at least one of them; the other is somewhere in the middle; they have no conscious if they ever see me again or here from me again; for them, this means they get more inheritance for themselves!
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Maybe Ill be like and die before that!
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However, I would like to be independent and do something with my life; be able to come back to some levels of stability and do something with my life! Ill keep working with God on these things!
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With dissociative disorder, Im always mentally " out to lunch"; most of my judgment's of the world around me are done in my head; not in reality!
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Judgements;
I might think people have accepted me or like me; in reality; they dont even know me! Im making judgments from a distance!
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As for women; Ive asked several women for phone numbers; no one ever calls back! its a game with them; or worse; they've always seen me as weird or mental and never had any intention of knowing me or liking me or dating me; no one!
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I have to try to understand by working with God! Try to understand what this life is for! why Im here!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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