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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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stripping it from the very beginning of life; starting over *TW

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Nov 11, 2017 2:21 pm

The goal is; their was no family or friends or support or schooling; nothing! I had a television and an imagination; other then that; I was completely alone; but did not know what that meant until about the age of 9, when my full life was being destroyed or pulled out from under me!
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What do I do know! I came from no home town, no family, no real friends; they just used me when I was young! Ive been around the middle classes; I dont trust anyone! Ive seen what they do to anyone who does not fit into their economic background; I dont exist; worse, Im turned into a monkey as if Im in a zoo, and expected to play an ape subservient roll around this filth; and I refuse! I want no part of these murder's!
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I could not live in a house or a neighborhood ever again because of what these people did to me!
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The point; What do I do now! Im slowly working through the past, and it shows I am nothing and come from nothing, Im completely alone! I was alone at birth! Looking back from the beginning of my life and the beginning memories; Im completely alone but dont know it!
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When looking at the evidence of my life; at the beginning of my life; I see myself playing in a yard, I see my father; but now; as an adult, I look back and realize, he's not interacting with me! in fact, in other memories; I see my mother in a kitchen talking to someone or I see my father outside with a sprinkler adjusting it in the front lawn; I see my father fighting with my mother in their bed room; I see myself in a closet, looking at the shadows! I see my mother vacuuming while going by me! However, never do they interact with me!
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later, when Im about 4 years old; my father puts me on the back of his motor cycle outside his house! And yet, looking back, Im not really interacting with anyone!
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I see myself getting into a car when Im 6 or 7, and these people are taking me to their relatives! it appears we are a normal family going to thanksgiving dinner! but something is wrong! Theirs no real interactions; and later i find out the whole thing is fake. These relatives dont have any connection to my father; they dont want him on their property! he was asked to leave years and years before because they wanted nothing to do with him! They are not family! Not anyones family!
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When at these relatives house; Yes, I eat the dinner prepared for me and others; but the others are real relatives of these people; we are not; Im not sure we were ever invited! My father bossed his way into their lives and showed up at their doors demanding attention and recognition as being a relative; he claimed he was normal; " look at my family" "Ive got a family"; he never said this; but it was implied!
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The relatives were in fear of him; his relatives! They were afraid he would come back at night and vandalize their homes if they did not let him in for a few hours to play out this fantasy!
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At the age of 9; I realized I had no family, no extended relatives; it had all been a lie!
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I was completely alone, the relatives on my mothers side; my mother was a psychopath; her parents created her! My father knew this and would not go near them! I went to their house and was sexually abused or harassed; in small ways; if you can call it that! harassed; later it will be much worse, when I have to live with them! I noticed how fake my mother acted around them; she acted like them; like her father; or step father! It was weird programming; my mother was pre programmed to act like her father and converse like him ; exactly like him; it was all evil!
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I had no idea I was not safe on any level with anyone, including the 2 brothers I had! These 2 individuals were being destroyed from neglect; completely! and I did not know when young! later, they will turn on me or I will find out they never thought about me in the first place! I meant nothing to them; I was like a ghost but didnt know!
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later, everything will be stripped from me; all resemblance of a family system; all gone; all things; physically things will be taken from me; anything associated with my life; all things stripped as if I had never been born! family house, neighborhood, town; all gone! meaning, I was pulled out of these things and thrown away!
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The mother of this; a psychopath; had children because it would please her husband; she would please her husband because she wanted his family money; when it all fell through and she realized he was going nowhere in life; he did not have the family money and would not be apart of it; she sold everything and moved away; no remorse or conscious! I was left with nothing; as if non of this had ever happened, as if I had never been born and the whole events of a family system never existed; I was completely erased along with the evidence of ever being apart of anything! This is not abnormal for the psychopath; they erase the evidence of their crimes! *mod edit* The psychopath has an agenda, they feel nothing for humans! humans are insects to them; nothing more! They will use a human for their interests then discard them!
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I was thrown away on all sides from everything! my schooling was destroyed from the first day! I did not know what was going on in this situation until much later! later in recovery!
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The point is; all my memories; the innocent way I viewed them was all false! meaning, I saw things from the point of view of an innocent child; in reality, I was in danger the whole time and being destroyed! I do not want to give any credit or remembrance to anything dealing with this filth! I want it all gone; all of it; everyday of it! everything! nothing was as it appeared; I was being used! The only reason I have any memories I like because I was to innocent to know that I was actually in a bad situation I should have been feeling apprehension.
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I can go back to ages 3 to 4; anything beyond this is a lie! my life had been confiscated, captured, held captive and used; and thats all that really happened! I had no hope; nothing; but I did not know! later, also things would come to an end; along with me!
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It is not uncommon for children who are disposable throw aways to erase themselves. They were erased by society, and finally they in turn erase themselves by killing themselves; society doesn't care and doesn't want to know or hear about it! Society creates this madness!
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Im attempting to grab onto anything I can for identity! I am working with God, source energy for identity and hope and purpose! The first thing I have to do is get rid of all physical memories of my past, for it was all false and dangerous and corrupted! Their is nothing to remember, I come from nothing; even the stop over neighborhoods I lived in were fake! I was being used for entertainment purposes!
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None of this is easy! The goal is safety; is their a place I can go that is safe! At one point, for many years, the only place that was safe was death! and now; I dont believe that anymore; but it's a fight working with God to try to understand all of this; this broken life and try to come out into a new life with purpose and feeling safe again! Most of my work is with God!
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Sun Nov 12, 2017 12:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: too descriptive as per forum rules; added TW

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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