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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
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   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Still Stuck; working through it!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 31, 2018 1:04 pm

Been here before; Im stuck! I think; what am I learning here!
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Im learning that its inside of me; its an inside job! And thats the lesson! I have apposing thoughts about many things and no way to process them; so; Im learning how to process them!

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ITs like this; I have a product I want to buy; I just got to have it! and then; theirs this other product I want to buy and I just got to have it; and its driving me crazy! At this point; I hate both products; and I hate the manufactures! I hate everything because Im fighting so much with choosing what side to take; I cant make any decisions and I never get to use any of the products! So; I hate the whole thing and blame the world for it! In reality; its all going on in my head; I want resolution! When I find resolution; this problem wont bother me anymore! I have to align myself with source energy of the universe!
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I have allot of processing; Im mad because I have to process stuff alone! I guess I can imagine someone helping me who cares! However, the problem is in me! its a trust problem with the world and the people in the world! I dont trust anyone for anything!

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I have to learn how to trust again! Im trying to get something out of the remaining of my life! Not much left! its been a waisted life! no point to it! no love; no relationships! Nothing! Im trying to work with a higher power to obtain something; anything that I can at least experience something before I die of some level of value! something; anything!
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Ive been here before; I have to keep working this out!
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Women; Its seems that all I do is process out my meager experiences with women; they dont last long; my experiences with women! I stay away from most; if not all of them; Im only interested in the ones I can date; I dont care about anyone else!
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The women that Ive been interested in; they've shown interest; for a second; then they revert back suddenly to taking interest in another man; its almost like a sign their in control; at that moment; Im ouda- their! gone! never to come back ever! I wont even get close to any of that! thats not the type of person I want around me!
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I put out effort when I see a women likes me! but then she sabotages it; she start checking out other men; or, other men are checking her out; she tries to hide her interest! Soon, she now sitting by them; and then I show up; and suddenly she's making sure to cover all her bases; and shows up around me as if she's interested in me! being interested in me is fine; being interested in both of us; both men at the same time; this will not work! Im finished with her! she can have the other guy; Im out of their that quickly; Ill go home and process it out until I have resolution and Ive forgotten her name and then start over again! The problem is; This scenario; its all their is; it goes on over, n over, n over, n over; thats all I see out here! I dont see any other quality!
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Im not sure who to talk to or date without feeling my going to get my arms ripped of! I dont know who to talk to or date; honestly! Im looked at with contempt and with disgust! And Im looked down on as if Im worthless trash!
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Now mind you; do I write and sound like worthless trash? And yet; this is the complete nature of the type of people Im dealing with!
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The point of this! Im having to work through a lot of things in life! Im having to do it alone; I have no helper; Im not sure why God is not sending me a helper! some times I think Im in hell! I can see others with a life; but I dont get one! Ive tried working with the universe; Im getting nowhere! nothing!
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Ill keep at it! Im not sure what to think! I cant trust the universe either! it seems like everything is a joke; even death; even life!
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Im not sure about relationships! Im not attracting the right people; and Im not sure the right people want me! Ive been dejected by many many people! its not worth getting around people anymore!
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I would like to have a girlfriends; Its a joke; who do I go out with?
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So; Im trying to eliminate the expectations of having any kind of life; thus, cooling the pain within me!
Im tired of the work I have to do to attract people that never show up! Im not sure what the universe has in mind for me!
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Its hard; I attract one girl; that doesn't last more then a few minutes; then Im gone! I wait, God sends another women; and she flakes! and another, and another and another, and another and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another! They dont last more then a few moments! They keep F__king things up! They bring other men into the picture; meaning they give other men attention because they will not take a submissive role with me; no matter what they do; they cant rap themselves around me because first; they must take a submissive role in front of me or get nowhere!
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Men of quality are not free! If your a women; Ill will stand before me; take a submissive role before me; You will be aligned with yourself; you will be in a helper role; and you will align yourself with God and the universe! Why should you do this; because these are the qualities you saw in me that attracted you in the first place!
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Nothing is free!
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Its not just relationships that are the problems; Ive got other occupational problems! and I have to process stuff alone! I dont where to go; talking to a therapist; maybe! but once a week; thats silly! I dont know; I guess it couldn't hurt at this point!
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Im trying to become freed up inside and be less afraid of the outside world and its people!
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Im truly scared of the outside world; the people I want to associate with have money and I dont; Im not in their economic bracket!
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I would like to meet some nice people! I would love to have a wife! This is all to much for me; all of it; but Im not giving up! I have to align with myself and the universe! Im having a hard time of it; a hard time trusting!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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