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Consumer 6
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Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
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Still Stuck; working through it!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 31, 2018 1:04 pm

Been here before; Im stuck! I think; what am I learning here!
Im learning that its inside of me; its an inside job! And thats the lesson! I have apposing thoughts about many things and no way to process them; so; Im learning how to process them!

ITs like this; I have a product I want to buy; I just got to have it! and then; theirs this other product I want to buy and I just got to have it; and its driving me crazy! At this point; I hate both products; and I hate the manufactures! I hate everything because Im fighting so much with choosing what side to take; I cant make any decisions and I never get to use any of the products! So; I hate the whole thing and blame the world for it! In reality; its all going on in my head; I want resolution! When I find resolution; this problem wont bother me anymore! I have to align myself with source energy of the universe!
I have allot of processing; Im mad because I have to process stuff alone! I guess I can imagine someone helping me who cares! However, the problem is in me! its a trust problem with the world and the people in the world! I dont trust anyone for anything!

I have to learn how to trust again! Im trying to get something out of the remaining of my life! Not much left! its been a waisted life! no point to it! no love; no relationships! Nothing! Im trying to work with a higher power to obtain something; anything that I can at least experience something before I die of some level of value! something; anything!
Ive been here before; I have to keep working this out!
Women; Its seems that all I do is process out my meager experiences with women; they dont last long; my experiences with women! I stay away from most; if not all of them; Im only interested in the ones I can date; I dont care about anyone else!
The women that Ive been interested in; they've shown interest; for a second; then they revert back suddenly to taking interest in another man; its almost like a sign their in control; at that moment; Im ouda- their! gone! never to come back ever! I wont even get close to any of that! thats not the type of person I want around me!
I put out effort when I see a women likes me! but then she sabotages it; she start checking out other men; or, other men are checking her out; she tries to hide her interest! Soon, she now sitting by them; and then I show up; and suddenly she's making sure to cover all her bases; and shows up around me as if she's interested in me! being interested in me is fine; being interested in both of us; both men at the same time; this will not work! Im finished with her! she can have the other guy; Im out of their that quickly; Ill go home and process it out until I have resolution and Ive forgotten her name and then start over again! The problem is; This scenario; its all their is; it goes on over, n over, n over, n over; thats all I see out here! I dont see any other quality!
Im not sure who to talk to or date without feeling my going to get my arms ripped of! I dont know who to talk to or date; honestly! Im looked at with contempt and with disgust! And Im looked down on as if Im worthless trash!
Now mind you; do I write and sound like worthless trash? And yet; this is the complete nature of the type of people Im dealing with!
The point of this! Im having to work through a lot of things in life! Im having to do it alone; I have no helper; Im not sure why God is not sending me a helper! some times I think Im in hell! I can see others with a life; but I dont get one! Ive tried working with the universe; Im getting nowhere! nothing!
Ill keep at it! Im not sure what to think! I cant trust the universe either! it seems like everything is a joke; even death; even life!
Im not sure about relationships! Im not attracting the right people; and Im not sure the right people want me! Ive been dejected by many many people! its not worth getting around people anymore!
I would like to have a girlfriends; Its a joke; who do I go out with?
So; Im trying to eliminate the expectations of having any kind of life; thus, cooling the pain within me!
Im tired of the work I have to do to attract people that never show up! Im not sure what the universe has in mind for me!
Its hard; I attract one girl; that doesn't last more then a few minutes; then Im gone! I wait, God sends another women; and she flakes! and another, and another and another, and another and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another! They dont last more then a few moments! They keep F__king things up! They bring other men into the picture; meaning they give other men attention because they will not take a submissive role with me; no matter what they do; they cant rap themselves around me because first; they must take a submissive role in front of me or get nowhere!
Men of quality are not free! If your a women; Ill will stand before me; take a submissive role before me; You will be aligned with yourself; you will be in a helper role; and you will align yourself with God and the universe! Why should you do this; because these are the qualities you saw in me that attracted you in the first place!
Nothing is free!
Its not just relationships that are the problems; Ive got other occupational problems! and I have to process stuff alone! I dont where to go; talking to a therapist; maybe! but once a week; thats silly! I dont know; I guess it couldn't hurt at this point!
Im trying to become freed up inside and be less afraid of the outside world and its people!
Im truly scared of the outside world; the people I want to associate with have money and I dont; Im not in their economic bracket!
I would like to meet some nice people! I would love to have a wife! This is all to much for me; all of it; but Im not giving up! I have to align with myself and the universe! Im having a hard time of it; a hard time trusting!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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