I believe my lockdown in 12 step groups is over. Im slowly making friends outside the meetings and showing up at their houses or activities.
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This is hard; I was never able to see myself show up at another persons house ever again after what happened to me; the way I was treated so horribly by everyone around me and almost everyone I grew up with; I was hated; but did nothing to these people to hate me; they had no business doing anything in my life.
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Now; Im working with God...
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From the lower street people to middle class people; so it begins... Im slowly coming back to regular people who live in regular houses. and live normal lives... Ive ran out my welcome with the drugged up criminal types I had to associate with in the lockdown period of my life. I was locked down because of mental illness; I turned into a 5 year old; could not do more then ride a bike; take meds; and go to meetings.. As I got better over the last several years; my toleration for these people dropped to nothing. I had to get out. God created many scenarios that forced me out into the real world; not fun but it worked.
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Im now learning how to write up what I want to do with my life and go after it or let it come to me; I attract it.
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Im in a boring segment of this new season; Im right at the beginning of it so I have lots of work to do to see things show up in front of me that I want. Im still letting go of the past. But Im becoming more of what I was letting go of; meaning Im becoming me again and the past is not the past its just my memories of my experiences; all part of me; likes its yesterday. iTs not separated from me like before. But I need more joining experiences and work and thats what Im working on now and its scary stuff. Its very lonely work; its desolate. hard.....
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Im heading out into no mans land into a new journey. So; Ill create what I want to manifest.
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Women and manifesting relationships;
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The key to manifesting women is; they must have a conscious; no more sociopaths. The other key; I visualize and write a script of a smooth courtship and a happy ending; no surprises.
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What do I have to offer in a relationship; Lots of love; real love; a best friend heart hooked up to her best friend heart and these system hooked up to the universe.
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The universe brings her; she will be another soulmate.. However, I have to watch it; Where I meet her is most important so; Im writing up new places to meet women; good places for quality women; still have to watch it; narcissists are still able to get into the mix; they have their evil ways; one has to watch out...
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I am writing happy endings to my relationships.
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I have a deep working relationship with God and I will pray with her.. We will be praying together all the time.. So : have something to offer.
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As fare as women from the past; I have to let them go because I never dated any of them; I just hung around and observed them and then judged what I observed without the ability to be present enough to understand that I was not in a relationship with them; they were perfect strangers and that is all. And the rule was; no judging if Im not dating... So; Im not sure why its so hard to let go.
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It was pointed out to me yesterday. " Was this real or fantasy? It was complete fantasy; all of it; just my thought strung together about this women; nothing more... nothing real; I never even talked to these women; maybe once. Next time Ill go the other direction and manifest something I can actually talk to..
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If I was with the right women; I would not have to worry about all this. But who is the right women; where do I find her; that which I'm looking for... I have to attract her. And I have to attract my life. And Im not sure about all this. How to go about this; for support is hard to find; thats the biggest problem; love; a place a feel safe...
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I have to keep writing about what I want; the kind of life I want... until it shows up... Keep working with the universe.
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The biggest issue of change; where to go... What place or thing; where do I go to meet these people... I have to write about the places I want to meet people.