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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Staying spiritual and trusting God!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 29, 2015 5:22 pm

I have big resentments!

Im able to have some money left me! I buy nice bikes; only to find out I cant park them outside at any location; they will be stolen! So, I use them much less! I ended up buying a folding bike for commuting! We will see? This bicycle folds up and you can carry it inside with you!

The other expensive bikes are actually only good for someone that can truck them to a mountain location and ride trails!

So, Im not free to ride my bikes anywhere, lock them up at places and be free! Sucks! Only if I have a $#%^ bike that I don't mind getting stolen!

Ive learned some things about bikes! Lock-up bikes are for transpiration purposes! They are used by the poor or drug addicts with no money, or students! Meth heads, wait and steal them all the time to buy their drugs! When a meth freak is out of money and they need drugs for that morning; they start looking anywhere they can to steal anything they can get their hands on to get a bag a dope! They will sell a $400 bike for 30 bucks to get bag! So it's a myth that I can use a good lock on my bike and my bike will be fine! The only time you lock a bike outside is when its worth no more then 50 bucks! Any bike over $300 should go inside and never be locked up outside! Ever! Trust me!

So biking is not free!

Music/piano/singer song writer;
You would be surprised how hard it is to get a place to sit down and be yourself at a piano without anyone else in the room; where you can practice! Its almost impossible! And Im not happy about this! Its allot of work, to look for a place to practice! Your always thinking about a place because you don't have a place of your own!

Im on a disability for PTSD! And thats the way it goes!

I can go out and save up for expensive bicycles! But how do I save up for a place to practice my music! What do I do! Go scrounge and save; for what! Where? Where do I rent this place at! For how much per month? Are you ######6 crazy!

I have to take things to God!

Im waking up, Im waking up with PTSd problems and poverty! This is dehumanizing, and demoralizing!
Im not on the streets! But not much more then that! I don't have the tools to develop anything! However, this is changing slowly! But it makes you want to puke!

Are you telling me that with all the buildings in my town, not one place can allow me to play a piano and sing privately for a few hours a daY?!

Things are slowly opening up; but there is no privacy! And I guess I have to get used to it! Its disgraceful!

Im allowed to beat off all day to porn; But if I want to develop my talents; its out of the question!

It will take time to get used to this new life!

Im slowly coming out of dissociative disorder!

I remember as a boy; I lived in a house! And I was able to play drums or touch a piano!

I no longer live in a house! And the apartment I live in; one cannot sing, and Im not interested in this specific place; playing any instruments! No thanks!

I need outside places to practice live stuff and sing!

I have a computer for music compositions! And online art communities; music communities I can post my stuff at!

ITs all hard and hard ship! Its scary and makes me feel insecure and worthless! Im not even worth a ######6 practice room in this society! I have more talent then most; for real! So ######6 what! Society does not care!

I was reading about Jim Thorpe; the greatest athlete of the 20th century! At the end of the 1920s starts the great depression! Jim's life's work stopped! He could not find a job! He only worked at a few places! No work! No money! He became an alcoholic and died poor and in poverty! It seems strange that society values this guy at this great level, and ultimately lets him die off!

They did the same for me! I think Im in the middle of growing pains! Im going to a new place where things are not handed to me that I think are reasonable to be handed!

I want to be treated nicely and taken care of! And that wont happen! Im going to have to work for everything I want! No one to help! It sucks! Even for practice time at a piano!

###$; 4 million buildings, with thousands of pianos in them; and none are available! Not when your poor or not connected!

I feels demoralizing!
====================================================================================

The recovery process taught me some very tuff brutal lessons about survival! And I asked God for survival; and I learned them!

Imagine your at a Christmas dinner; you're sitting with 20 others; some your family and friends, some distant relatives and others from your college class! Friends you brought from college!

The dinner starts! And you are shy and sitting in the back of the room! You notice the spaces for you to sit are starting to be taken! Soon, no room left for you; what do you do!

Here is what you do! You muscle your way onto the table and you bust those around you; out of the way! You fight for your space at the table, and then you grab what you want and start eating!

And why do you do this! Because no one is going to do this for you! It's an evil lesson one learns in this hard life! And life is hard! It doesn't have to be! But for many of us throw aways, thats just the way it is!

Im worth more then this! With my talents! Im simply being thrown away! So, I must talk to God! But emotionally, the whole thing is sickening!

Im always telling myself; " I should"! Someone should owe me; this is disgusting! ITs like cars; it's disgusting; if your into cars; thats fine! However, for the rest of us who don't care, the amount to drive for transpiration is in human! ITs wrong!

Im just mad that Im so disconnected! And I have to be like a whore and demoralize myself, simply to find places to work on my songs! But God is trying to show me something! I was destroyed when young! And although I have to take a hard road! It's a real one! And when I get stronger and hardened to it! I will be stronger to survive!

Its hard to see all my talents not used! Its horrible!

I would like to be an actor! I was going to be one when young!

Its to bad what happened to me! I needed family support for everything I wanted to do with my life! Instead I got stuck with sociopaths and psychopaths! Now what do I do! So, Im trusting God and learning to start over and look into other things! Other ways to get my needs met; my needs of praise and needing love and acceptance!

Its just hard!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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