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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
Archives
- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Starting to deal with my childhood

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Feb 24, 2019 11:34 pm

My childhood was a lie and worse; it was killed. it was killed before I was born; I was killed before I was born.
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I never knew it was going to turn out this way; I had no idea; that's why it turned out this way; that's why I was so easy a prey.
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I was hunted down and destroyed, and never knew it until it was 2 late. Their something exceptionally sickening about this; this is more than horror; its genocide; more than sad; its a human crime. Crime against humanity.
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Its sad; like someone starving children on purpose; just to see them begin the last moments of their innocent lives. that's what I want though; that kind of torture. I should not be alive, but I never knew I was going to go through this.
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I have no choice but to look back at all parts of my past with disdain and nervous mistrust; nothing should be remembered as valuable. Nothing needs to be remembered; I was in a prison camp and did not know it; for there was never anyone on my side; I was brought up in a haunted house and never knew it. Now I know it, and I need to treat it for what it was; the whole story; a nightmare. All of it!
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The biggest problem is seeing it through child sized eyes. The child in me wants to see it with value as if someone of it was important, but it wasn't; none of it. Nothing will be possible until I'm old enough to escape every concept of it; all of it.
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The only freedom is to take the red pill and see the whole of what this was; a giant tragedy; planned.
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I'm now looking at my childhood. It's a horror show because every moment will lead to my death. Every moment I'm being manipulated and fooled and exploited, and I don't know anything; nothing until its 2 late; until I'm old enough to really see what's happening; that will start at age 9. At age 7 I know something is wrong.
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By the time I'm 10; its over; the red pill has been shoved down my throat and I have no more family or life; as if I was never born and never had a neighborhood or a school or friends.
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I have to look at my childhood in order to move on into the present; I've had a long recovery process; However, I have work through the past and show respect for it. meaning, its no place for my mind to meander; it was not safe, and there was no home town or real childhood; it was all a sadistic camouflage.
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I have to get over it; meaning, work through it and move on. I have a life to live and I want to live it.
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Several moments I remember fondly; thats the problem; take the red pill and wake up; nothing was fondly; the situation was dire; all of it; from the beginning; from the day I was born.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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