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OMNICELL
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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Starting to deal with my childhood

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Feb 24, 2019 11:34 pm

My childhood was a lie and worse; it was killed. it was killed before I was born; I was killed before I was born.
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I never knew it was going to turn out this way; I had no idea; that's why it turned out this way; that's why I was so easy a prey.
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I was hunted down and destroyed, and never knew it until it was 2 late. Their something exceptionally sickening about this; this is more than horror; its genocide; more than sad; its a human crime. Crime against humanity.
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Its sad; like someone starving children on purpose; just to see them begin the last moments of their innocent lives. that's what I want though; that kind of torture. I should not be alive, but I never knew I was going to go through this.
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I have no choice but to look back at all parts of my past with disdain and nervous mistrust; nothing should be remembered as valuable. Nothing needs to be remembered; I was in a prison camp and did not know it; for there was never anyone on my side; I was brought up in a haunted house and never knew it. Now I know it, and I need to treat it for what it was; the whole story; a nightmare. All of it!
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The biggest problem is seeing it through child sized eyes. The child in me wants to see it with value as if someone of it was important, but it wasn't; none of it. Nothing will be possible until I'm old enough to escape every concept of it; all of it.
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The only freedom is to take the red pill and see the whole of what this was; a giant tragedy; planned.
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I'm now looking at my childhood. It's a horror show because every moment will lead to my death. Every moment I'm being manipulated and fooled and exploited, and I don't know anything; nothing until its 2 late; until I'm old enough to really see what's happening; that will start at age 9. At age 7 I know something is wrong.
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By the time I'm 10; its over; the red pill has been shoved down my throat and I have no more family or life; as if I was never born and never had a neighborhood or a school or friends.
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I have to look at my childhood in order to move on into the present; I've had a long recovery process; However, I have work through the past and show respect for it. meaning, its no place for my mind to meander; it was not safe, and there was no home town or real childhood; it was all a sadistic camouflage.
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I have to get over it; meaning, work through it and move on. I have a life to live and I want to live it.
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Several moments I remember fondly; thats the problem; take the red pill and wake up; nothing was fondly; the situation was dire; all of it; from the beginning; from the day I was born.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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